drinks with friends,
                   drives,

buried guilty...

The feelings inside me was enough to **** me. Us pulling up in his car just to see you come out of yours. The high disappeared. The vibes were gone. My heart began to pound louder than a drum on Chinese new year. You were heading our way.

I felt it. Your disappointment and anger. The look of betrayal written all over your face. You were keeping it all together when you really wanted to fall apart.

And there we were. All three of us standing in front of each other. Twas a night of good vibes ended up in a sour taste. All because I thought you wouldn't have understood. And there we were.

As one parted his way, you grabbed my hand and we started to walk away from the venue. I looked at you as you looked ahead. And all that was running through my head was to get away from you. When I had no right to. I watched you yell and scream for what felt like an eternity. I felt your pain and displeasure, all while I tried to prove an invalid point; trying to make it seem like you were wrong when it was actually me.
I heard you say words I've never heard you use before. I watched your eyes danced with madness, your pupils widening into great pools of rage and at the end all dim down with a flow of tears.

I wanted to hug you. I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted to tell you that I didn't want to hurt you and that I had made some stupid decisions. But I didn't. Pride held me back and ego covered my mouth. Instead I watch you cry. It was unbelievable.

You drove me home that night. Nothing was said for a good 20 minutes. Then you pulled up into a parking lot to a highway hotel by the I15, where we began to talk again. Ego didn't silence me and pride didn't restrain me. We talked for what felt like hours when it was really 15 minutes. Then we were at my house. Where you hugged me good night. The smell of white amber and cardamom filled my nose... and then you drove away..


A lot happened that night. It was one of the many nights I said to myself I was never going to hurt you like that again........and I'm sorry.

My favorite part of long drives
Or trips to unusual places
Is falling in love with strangers.

Someone passes by on the sidewalk
Or gets stuck beside you in traffic,
Or sits close to you on the bus.
They don't look too special
But something about them makes you notice them.
Maybe it is the way your eyes catch,
Makes your heart go a-flutter,
Makes an attempt to leap out of your chest
And run to them.

But you know the love is short lived.
One of you will have to go a different way,
Or get off at an earlier stop
But that love gives me a little hope.

I wonder if anyone has fallen in love with me.
Seen me across the street,
Did I set your heart a-flutter?
Did you notice anything special about me?

P.S. To the blonde boy taking pictures of something as you were during behind me in traffic:
You should totally call me

I used to be content with my piece of the sun
Admittedly I have gotten selfish
I have gotten cold and my heart has started paling
And I would like you to know that
I would gladly move mountains to adore you
Because you have always felt worth the climb
Well maybe I have been worn weak
But I let you pick me up and show me the light
And I hope that this will keep me warm
Temporarily, it is always temporary
And although my hungry eyes have always craved more than dark nights
I ache for moments when we're on the road - taillights flickering in tune with the radio
Because that is when I think of verses that go something like...
"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night"
And I know that I have never feared this
In fact I have always found solace in leaving my heart in your passenger seat
So here I am, laid back, are we there yet?

With a tank full of gas and a yearning to
grab the keys and get lost for a little bit,
I left my quiet empty room.

The sun was shining and the
music pounded against the inside of my cars windows.
My mind was heavy and my heart was light.

I came to a road where you and I got out
and danced after staring at the stars;
It looks uglier during the day time.

I drove on the road where we blasted
John Mayer’s Slow Dancing In A Burning Room and
I still listen to the the lyrics and they still taste bitter
dripping in symbolism,
I wonder if you knew what you
were doing when you hit the play button.

I drove faster past the ice cream shop we
would go to everyday and everyday the lady behind
the counter thought we were a couple.

I drove by the playground where we pumped
our legs as we shouted out our life plans and
how different elementary teachers seem now.

I drove by the drive-in movie theater,
we said we would go and pile the car with pillows,
blankets and popcorn but never did.

I drove by the watering hole where
we spent the entire day there,
both of us hoping that we could have stayed
there a little bit longer.

I drove by your ex-girlfriends house,
I think I was part of your heart still on the lawn.

I drove by your mom’s work place and saw your car
and ended up crying.

I drove by the lake we went kayaking where we
imagined what we’ll be like in ten, twenty years.

I drove on a road with rolling hills,
I sped up and on the downhills my stomach matched
what my head was feeling when you were going in to kiss me.

I drove by the park where that time you
were telling me how you were leaving early for the summer.

I drove by our rival schools sports fields and
saw a man flying a kite and thought of you.

I drove by the town’s tiny airport and thought of
you and how you never liked being here down on the ground.

And just like that I hit a dead end.