These days I contemplate the meaning of home
When the last breaths of my childhood are taken away
With every adult who had to leave
When the last of my teen years slip from my grasp
Along with friends who stopped coming over after school
What is left? This house, it stands empty
A new void I've never known
But I look around at ghosts of the past and I see
The pillars of this house creak, but they are sturdy
Changes matter not when the foundation is strong
Home changes its shape every so often, but you can always,
Always live here

I remember with you,
In the summer of '08,
Life was never blue,
And life was great.

Fly ***** and Popcorn,
I bet I can eat the most.
Triple stacks, Laser Tag,
Whys Phineas's head a triangle eh?

A lot I recall,
And I lot I remember.
You're not a 2nd rate,
And most definitely a diabetic so stop lying and saying you're sweet.

It's hard to talk now,
And **** happens in life.  
Life has a weird way of making **** complicated with complications.
Ive got to say,
But for now I refrain,
So please wait till I say I'm okay, okay?
Great.

So while Nostalgia, was it? That reminds me of a better, understand I love you, even though I'm not comfortable in this weather.

Years have passed,
Seasons have changed.
Am I an adult yet?
Couldn't say.
Relate?

While pain was brief,
And a cleanse was needed,
I still grow more and do my best to succeed.
Did I pay a bill?
Is it in the budget?
Swear to God I could go for a 20 piece McNugget.

While I shift and work it out,
I'll still ask myself am I good enough?
When isn't your mind...
What kind...
Don't lie...
Stop.
Take a breathe and it's going to be all fine.

Is my flow still the same?
Is my expression more better?
Does it make any sense to you that im still explaining and continuously refraining from resaying a word by rearranging the framing of this here decree I'm declaring?
No, not really.

With exercises and breakdowns,
I've seen it in better ways.
Still in chains,
But looser around the brains.
It's taken time,
But I'm finally in control...

I'm getting used to... New.

I've grown rusty and unused to summoning words from a blank page - but FINALLY - there's something new to describe. School (11th grade) is over - at last - and... more.

There's a party tonight - a REAL, honest-to-God, in person, PARTY - for about 30 of us. Yes, vaccinations are documented. Life seems to be beginning again.

I'm eager, like a boxer before the bell or a racehorse at the starting gate. I'm an animal, long constrained, who knows it's about to be set free.

I'm as disorientated as an awakened dreamer and I find myself laughing, drunk with possibilities as I try on clothes for preliminary impressions.

It's hard to quash tremors of impatience.

I'm sick of helpless, indifferent, pandemic necessity.

I'm SO tired of boredom, circling me like a vulture, in my panopticon palace - that I opted for a respite of pure terror - I'm SO clever.

I'm skipping my senior year of high school and heading off to university. I'd rather die than risk spending another year in my room(s) - I almost went crazy.

There's a paper on my desk, white as a bride. It says "ACCEPTED for fall term 2021."

I’m trying not to let on that I’m afraid. Is desire always a tangle of impossible, contradictory impulses?

I've decided that my life is my only real possession - my own, small, life-or-death riddle to solve.

I want to live with intent, like I'm aimed at something and I'm going to chase happiness like it could be caught.

My luggage is open - like alligator jaws. I stare into those tan, Ghurka depths - rigid with anxiety.

My sister (home on vacation from her surgical residency) sees me eyeing the empty bags.
"Are you worried?” She says, “You look worried."

I normally find the sister-teacher-coach vibe irritating, but now, somehow, it seems reassuring.

"No," I lie - then - "A bit," I admit, close-lipped.

But that's a later worry =]

i think you know what happens now

It changed with a look, a touch, an attempt.
What we see in someone's eye.
Or we feel under someone's palm.
What we go through, if we try.

Like a seed.
It is once invisible in the earth.
Then it comes out of the darkness and sees the colors.
Then everything becomes equal to her.
And eventually it flies away and changes.