******.

I was sure not to lead you on.
I know we hit it off
I know we get along.

We've been texting all week
And I am honored that you think
I'm beautiful.

I can't wait till D & D
The invitation means a lot to me.
So strange that you'll be down the street.

I want our friendship to grow
Do I want to date you?
I don't know.

Just don't send me heart texts.
Don't wish I was there.
Breaking another heart is my only fear.

"But you like him-"
"-That's what you said!"
Before I flushed the hormones out of my head.

I don't want this to happen.
Not again.
Don't make your affection something to regret.

Because I could never tell you I like your best friend.

Dear Adam,
Guess what?
All I have of you is an iPod.
It's filled with your songs
It's filled with your thoughts.

I was in your room
i peered insid a box
I was hoping to find something
but you didn't keep much
Not your ****
or your pipe
or your old secrets

I don't understand maybe we wanted to keep it.
I see nothing of you
this is not your room
you didn't live here, I can't tell
It smells like you and your picture is all over
Your blue painted walls
the room is getting older,
There was a bag of razor blades but I don't know what they're form.
I felt kind o awkward in there sitting with your mom
maybe i wanted to kiss you
before you left
or tell you  you were cute
you knew nothing of my heart
and I knew so much from yours
Im torn.
Being in this room makes me squirm and feel all wrong
you left us in the middle
of a new found fairy tale.

You were no prince and I was no princess
but I didn't want that all quite yet.
I wanted you to know, all the things I wrote ini my heart
but you being here to hold my hand and ill say thats a start.


Sometimes I think you'll come around
you'll say you didn't go
you'll say you panicked and got lost
but really it was a joke.
I know its not true
I know I'll never see you
They found your body
They found your car
you were still hot
because you went so far.

now I'm here with your ashes in my bag,
feeling absolutely mad
knowing that I didn't help,
that you cried for me and I couldn't do
what i needed to.

You are gone and i am here,
Ill spead you out here and there.
your dust will flow for a thousand miles
ill float you in the sea
ill flow you in my favorite rose bush
and under your planted tree.

It's funny how it ends so fast,
how people can be gone.
How drugs can make your mind possessed by heartless hopeless thoughts.

It's wired how I can't hold you,
or tell you how I feel.
I wish i could have yelled at you enough for you to stay here...

We laugh at him,
My friends and I,
In our bubble of teenage invincibility
We laugh at him,
Skinny and ungainly,
In shirts one-half size too big and
Kakis  that were probably $10 at Meijer's.
We laugh at him,
Hair carefully gelled and combed to cover the
Bald spot where too many nights of
Indecision and loss have rubbed it clean.
We laugh, his awkwardness fueling our
Shameful antics,
Shrinking him until he appears no more
Than an irritating fly with
Strangely sad eyes and  
32 years of small-town memories not
Validated,
Never appreciated.
We laugh at his first-time fumbling and confusion,
Not knowing how to handle us,
In our smug overconfidence and
Judgement like one thousand pins,
How to reach beyond our stubbornness
To teach us something worthwhile,
Something beyond the plan.
He sits like an origami bird that was made
Without instructions,
Perched on the corners of old desks,
In storage rooms of old textbooks,
Wrinkled and refolded.
Yet his sad eyes and open vault of memories makes him
Stronger, stranger, than I, we, have ever seen in the
Four walls of our learning.
Favorite books and winged metaphors
Fly
Next to seeds of joy and a father's death,
Twenty-two pieces of musical
Coping
That we laugh at,
That we see as a pitiful attempt at rejoining life,
That we scorn
With our teenage invincibility.
It's alright.
We know the value of less than nothing-
Our judgment means nothing.
His too-big shirts
And lyrical memory will
Exist
To anchor a life
Far after we have left,
Lost,
Wandering.

You know how hard it is?
To pass right by you,
And pretend I don't care,
Pretend I don't have a clue,
How you feel,
How I feel.

To walk past you,
And long for you,
To just grab me,
And hold me,
And not let the want show?

Do you have any idea,
That I can feel your essence,
That I come close,
And I am so aware of you,
And of your perfect body?

That location means nothing to me,
I can be a mile away,
And feel the cord that binds us,
Telling me exactly where you are.

That I can see the arrows,
Pointing me to you,
Showing the way,
Revealing you to me?

That I follow your trail,
And watch you,
Closely but from afar,
Like a little lost puppy dog?

But I cannot do anything,
Cannot say anything,
But despite my quietness,
Know that I love you.

I sigh a lot,
and my tears taste like the ocean,
and I don't talk very loud,
and I stutter a little,
and I am not very pretty,
and I am constantly tripping over air,
but,
I could love you with every bit
of my Awkward Little Self
if you would just give me the chance.

I’m the wall flower.
You’re the sun.

I’m dull and near lifeless.
You gleam bright from afar and adored by all.

I’m forever stuck here.
You turn and evolve.

I’m always reaching for you,
But you’ll forever be too far;
Because I’m tucked in a corner,
And you’re the golden star.