Brown eyes,
reflected in tide pools of blue.

Nostalgia covers you like a wave,  
and warms you for a moment.

But when it recedes,
it only leaves a cold reminder of its absence.

I found a bunch of my old writing today.

None of it seemed to move me the way you used to.

Do your legs ever feel restless?
Because mine do. All the time.
I think about breaking your heart, but not in the traditional sense.
I won't leave you for another.
I won't leave you because I fell out of love.
I'll leave you because I can't escape myself; and why cause two casualties where one would suffice?
Yes. I'll break your heart. I'll run away, and you'll never hear from me again.
But please believe it's not because I don't love you.
I love you more than the feeling I get when a plane takes off, and the possibility of somewhere new becomes a reality.
I love you more than Sunday mornings, with the sun peering in the Windows.
I love you more than I hate myself. Which is why I have to break your heart.
Please don't miss me. I'll love you forever, but someday you'll forget the brown eyed girl you used to know. And you'll remember what it's like to feel free.

I have come to the realization that a part of me will always love you.
Always.
No matter how far away we are,
Or how long we go without talking,
I'm always going to wonder if it should have been you.

I'm not saying that you fixed everything.
But it all hurt a lot less when you were around.

have you finished your cigarette,
the one you promised would be your last?
like you said, the battle's lost,
if you slip back to the past.

have you put down that bottle,
the one that's ten times stronger?
you promised her you'd do it,
that you'd make the change for her.

have you given up your sins,
the ones that have haunted you from youth?
so you can become the kind of man
that your kids will look up to?

you've made so many promises,
some have been kept and some have not.
please don't break this one last promise-
you won't lose the fight you've fought.

it's kind of one of those nights.
you know.
the one that makes you want to crash your car on the highway.

it's one of those nights.
where your phone is full of people.
but nobody is home.

and the only people you really want to talk to,
are the ones who decided you're no longer worth their time.
so out with a bang you go, my dear.

ITS GETTING BAD.
ITS GETTING BAD.
ITS ALREADY BAD AGAIN.
i want to scream this at everyone that asks me how i am.
but i know that's not the question they're asking.
and that's not the answer they want.
so... ITS GETTING BAD
turns from a scream to a fake smile and a polite, "i'm well, thanks."

it's not right.
for you or for me.
but regardless,
here we are.

and there we go.

it's not right.
but it's right here.
so here we are.
and we'll never go back.

i like my peanut butter crunchy.
and my jelly so i can taste the seeds.

                                                         ­                             i like your hand in mine,
                                                           ­                            and kisses on my cheeks.

i'm not scared of the dark,
but love gives me cause for concern.

                                                               ­           i'm not scared of you, my dear,
                                                           ­               but i'm scared you won't return.

i like my peanut butter crunchy,
because that's how you always made it.

                                                               ­      and the seeds caught in your teeth,
                                                          ­                     that made your smile perfect.

maybe life is not for everyone.

I remember the first night we put you on suicide watch.
I remember how you stayed in my room all night long and laid on my bed while I tried to make you believe that I needed you more than anyone else in my life.
That sentence still stands.
I love you.
You're still my best friend.
And being gone during such a huge, hard part of your life is breaking me down.
And I want nothing more than to tell you all this and stay up late talking to you about infinities and the impossible.
And I want to be 5 again.
Back to when you and I were both happy.
And neither of us looked for bottles of pills or busy traffic streets.

Good days come. They linger with their warmth and promises that seem so fair. Promises of sunlight and laughter and happiness. Promises of all the things that have been taken from you because you waited too long. You didn't get help, when your best friend sat in your room crying as you told her everything. You didn't get help, the first time you walked to the cabinet searching for something to end it all. And you didn't get help when help was offered. You lied your way out of therapy. Twice. And no one had a clue. You would think trained professionals would recognize the difference between happiness and medication. But they didn't. So you take the pills. You still take them. Every day. And you hope that the promises will be fulfilled. But deep down you know that it can all change in the space of a day.

I trust myself, but not you.

Sometimes the days are okay. They're easy and painless. And then some days are like today. Where every turn you're faced with something that makes you want to not exist. Something that makes you want to never face another day. And you don't ever know if you'll actually see tomorrow.

I wish it had been you.

You took me today, to the place where you broke your arm. You told me how you were young, your parents on the other side of the park, and how much pain you were in. And you told me you didn't cry. And I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to kiss you and tell you that I know you've endured pain, much beyond a broken bone, but refused to let yourself show how much it hurt you. I wanted to kiss you and tell you that I know how strong you are, even when it's all broken. I wanted to kiss you, I wanted you to be mine, so that you never had to spare tears over broken bones or broken hearts again.

I told her everything. About the boy who made my stomach hurt every morning before kindergarten. About the pictures I found on my brothers computer. I told her about the stain I left on our brand new counters and how i often felt that was my only place in that home. Being the stain. I told her about the dreams and the thoughts and the actions that were soon to come. I told her more than I wanted. And the time is coming where the stain will fade. And all it will be is a giant outline of where I was. But the stain will fade. And the pain will pass. And you'll be grateful that it's over.

I used to hate the smell of cigarettes because they reminded me of you. And all the bad decisions you had made. They reminded me of the late night calls begging for a rescue. They reminded me of the broken window and bloodstained hand. You were so addicted to the things that lead to your demise. But you've traded your cigarettes and ***** for Christ and a bible. And you've bargained for your forgiveness and prayed for some redemption. But I still hate the smell of cigarettes, because they serve as a reminder of just how easy it is to spark the things we think will give us healing, but end up catching fire and destroy us.

They talk about these dead cells. Shocking them back into life. Making them immortal because every time they slip into nothingness they are brought back. I don't believe that any amount of science could bring you back to me. Not the way you were before. Your cells may return but you never truly will.

I never thought I'd be here
In front of this giant among men
As you tell me that you've struggled
And there's a light at the end

I never thought I'd be here
Sitting by your desk
As I confess that I'm not happy
And am wishing for the end

And I never thought I'd be here
As you tell me to hold on
I never thought I'd be here
But I'm already gone

The good can never stay
And the bad refuses to go
Your clothes aren't fitting right
And your spring skies only bring you snow

Your hands are numb,
to match your heart
And poison words
From your lips departs

Are these butterflies? Or nausea?
The two seem so alike
I'm puking up my feelings for you
But you turn around to fight

No comfort to be found here
No lingering embrace
All that's left's an empty soul
To match a nameless face

I understand life comes in waves
And I'm beginning to think
I need to hold onto the things that save
And let go of those that make me sink

Your binoculars are cracked
You've lost your sense of sight
Alone in the dark
You're filled with utter fright

Your targets been missed
And there's no where to go
Your binoculars are cracked
And now you've nothing to show

Your binoculars are cracked
The only way to see
But you're so far in the future
You forget to stop and be

Your hindsights 20/20
And now you realize
Your binoculars are cracked
But you have perfectly working eyes

It's starting again. Those feelings inside.
And I wonder this time, how long I'll make them hide.
I nearly broke myself around this time last year.
And you were always in a constant state of fear
I don't want you to worry. I don't want you to be sad
But I think you need to know. It's starting to get bad.
It started even before we left. And I tried to shut it down
I figured that some time away would help turn it around
But my minds a blur and I can't think straight
And I wish that you could somehow relate.
So don't worry about me, but I think you should know
I'm wondering if I'll make it to the end of the show

I wish there was more I could say to make you understand
The demons are inside of us, walking hand in hand

And when the nights come, when I cry myself to sleep
I tell myself it's your demons, that make you say those things

But the truth that I'm to afraid to find,
The truth that hides within your mind

Is it from your demons you wish to be free
Or are you tired of something else, something more like me?

Our demons don't play well together, at least not anymore
So perhaps we should say goodbye and open up new doors

I spent a lot of time missing you today. That one song came on that always makes me think of you. And I can't help but wonder if you're proud of me. I missed you more today than I think I have in thirteen years. I wondered if we'd be on this trip if you were here. I wonder if I'd yell at you for using all my stuff. I wonder if you'd cry on my shoulder when the boy at school doesn't love you back. I wonder if you'd roll down the windows with me and sing your heart out. I wonder if you'd look up to me or if you'd learn from my mistakes. I have a lot of thoughts on my mind tonight. Most about you. And I wonder if we'd go out together. I wonder if you'd have a crush on that boy in our church and I wonder if you'd be begging to wear makeup like I was. I wonder if you'd look like me and mom. I wonder a lot. I hope you know that I spend a lot of time thinking about you. And a lot of my decisions factor whether or not they will get me closer to meeting you.

I had a dream just the other day, that you were happy.
Happy like you were in July. Happy like you were when we were with each other.
And in the blink of an eye the world changed and you weren't happy anymore.
You pulled away. You said hurtful things and I couldn't believe you had changed so much.
To me it seemed like an instant change, and then I began to wonder how long those dark feelings had been working within you.
How long had you been fighting to stay happy and stay alive?
And what made you let them win. I don't know when the change came. I don't even know why.
But I know that it did. And I hope you find all that you want out of your life.
I dreamt about your happiness. If that doesn't make you believe I love you then I don't know what will

I wonder what it's like to be the moon. To look down on those. Sleeping peacefully, falling in love, creating memories. I wonder how it would feel to know for once I was the source of light in someone's life. To be the one that is beautiful beyond comparison. Look at that moon tonight. I wonder how it would feel to be so selfless you let others use you for the countless hours. The moon that hangs, seamlessly without strings, but steady as a rock. It's reflection skewed by lakes and seas, I wonder if the moon is ever as lonely as me.

I don't know what's wrong.
I can't eat. Sleep doesn't come easy either.
Maybe I miss you, and maybe I regret you.
I don't know if I'll ever know which.
Everyone tells me to hold on
Surely the storm won't last forever.
I feel hungover
My thoughts are blurred. Bored.
But one thing rings clear.
I don't want to be here.
I don't want to do this.
I'm back into my old ways of thinking.
I want it all to end.
Not for lack of life, but lack of enjoyment.
I don't pray for the end
But if it came, I might greet it with a smile.

It's the first night in a long time that I don't want to live.

Depression makes me feel so undesirable.

I knew it was over when I didn't laugh at your jokes anymore.
I remember the night I asked you what we were doing.
Everything had been so distant and forced lately.
And as we talked, you knew that we were slowly drifting, but I knew it would be goodbye.

She craved adventure while he shied away. She'd step off the edge of a cliff, knowing she'd fall or fly, not caring which. While he'd stand by her side, ready to move, yet strings still attached, refusing to let him be ungrounded.

She longed so much for something other than automated responses and faked opinions. Something more than just a mirror.

Her mind was a canvas, waiting to be colored, while he remained hidden under plastic, to keep sheltered with all his domestic familiarity.

We all have things in life
That try to bring us down.
We push and pull and fight,
And scream for any way out.

Held tight for bonds of conformity,
Not daring to stand out.
We bury our identities,
And ourselves, begin to doubt.

But there's no reason for these things to be,
Why hide a luminous light?
Forget the rest and live your life,
And let your dreams take flight.