This is it, the way I've been waiting to feel since this year began. It's that kind of feeling you get close to the end of a really long, unforgettable movie, when you know everything's coming to a complete finish. The feeling is bitter and anxiety filled, but I have no real term to describe what this is. After it all, prom, graduation, summer break, I thought I would feel it, I believed I would, but now I wish I had just shut my senseless ******* mouth.. I want it all to go back to the way it was before.. I just need time to soak it all in
I need more time..
I had time..
My final and most emotionally unbearable year of high school, gr12
I have no idea
what I feel anymore
I don't understand why
I seem to be the way I am
I no longer can
tell what emotion is
even if I could feel any, and
none of it cares to make sense
I want to be near
other people and feel as
they feel for myself, to know I
still can and connect with them
But I'm constantly feeling
disconnected from myself and
regardless of what happens to me
I'll always feel as though myself is slowly
In me I carry burden, regret,
and guilt from memories that
were planted in my mind a long
time ago and now seem hard to
They've grown roots which
attach to my nerves. Each move
I make I remind myself of what
I've done. Like a constant itch.
With passing days, and no
resolution to this madness the
roots begin to latch on tighter.
The plant grows stronger this
Eventually, sanity will slip
completely leaving only the
plant to control what's left
of my vacant human shell.
So how did I become the kind of person that I am
By changing every part of me I couldn't understand
I wonder what I'll find inside the skin that I suspend
Or maybe what I've lost is more apparent in the end
And where is all the evidence I carried on my back
The weight of it has turned it into something inexact
A haziness pervading what I once believed to be
The only inconsistency I wanted to perceive
Secure in all my shakiness but never unaware
That I was going down a road that wasn't even there
And maybe in my head I thought I'd save a place for you
Until I came to realize that's something I can't do
I cannot save anyone.
I wish you would look behind my eyes,
And listen to me when I'm silent.
I wish you would pick through my thoughts-
And automatically know how I feel.
I wish you could see the view I have of the world-
That I cannot explain out loud.
God, I wish you could see what I think,
When I'm silent.
Parents shield young child eyes
As elders clutch their beating chests
These people look at us and think
"Always causing trouble where ever
I'm not a bad kid, honestly,
I'm just playing your part
When I'm with my girls, we're always trouble