i missed that
tiny white pill
it stops
me from chattering.
i tremble without it
buzzing.

you might
perceive me
as still
but i am erratic.
shivering.
tiny white pill
stopping the

wide eyed
teary
expression.

it keeps me
kissing you
it keeps me
sane.
it lets me dance

but you
make me sing.

are you
a tiny
white pill?

"Count", I whispered in his ear. "Count till there are no numbers left and your tongue hangs in the mid air to find something to speak. Count till your brain turns numb trying to search numbers to count. Count till you believe that there's no ending, no final destination to reach. Count till you lose yourself in the maze of the never ending numbers
Count because the last number that you'll count will be where you'll meet me."

Early morning coffee on the front balcony
Where the smoke dances with the fog
You never liked to get up this early
But something was different about today
The ideas lingered in the air
And you watched and waited for one useful
So you could grab hold of it and put it in a poem
See the words stack on top of one another
Like bricks of a castle you once dreamed about
Fragile but holding such strong will to shield its princess from harm
There was something about this Saturday morning
Something that set it apart from the rest
Maybe it was the smell of rain on the pavement
Or the dewdrops on your balcony railing
Maybe it was the way you simply couldn’t get comfortable in bed
Maybe it was because last night
You slept in it, alone

The way the world sees a woman today
Is quiet strange to me
It is survival of the prettiest in the hallways
Death of them on the streets
Playing the first game we learned how to
Twirling our hair to the boy with the cigarette in his mouth
Because the bad ones were always more alluring
Wearing a short skirt in the city is like driving without a seatbelt
Girls are taught to survive by using our bodies as weapons
We convince boys to love us the only way we know how
Because what good are words when he can't see your mouth
We know the answers but do not raise our hands
Let someone else take the victory
Male kindness is so alien to us we assume it as a cat call every time
And after you have given your body away to countless boys,
each one taking a piece of you
That is when you will realize how badly you needed them to see the whole picture clearly
You will greet the mirror like a criminal in a line up
Do not think that this is your fault
Do not think that this is his
Strip your clothes, get into your shower and wash off his scent
Let it linger for only a moment but not for too long
Wipe your face, comb your hair and let all of the crippled reasons bleed out on why you should give yourself up again
Remind yourself of your value
And get dressed

“what is love?”
processing
processing
processing
*******.
Feelings are fantasy

But Triston if that were true
then why do I have this pain pumping through my veins
from the sight of their hands intertwined
and I don’t understand how i’m suppose to be smiling
when he’s holding her in his arms

“I’m sorry Doctor,” you  said, “don’t let Horton hear my tears slip out
I’m running out of things to be smiling about.”
And I understood before
but I know even more now just by looking
at his smile directed at her

Triston I respect how open you are
so I’m sorry but I’m stealing another line
"I wish you could see
that I want nothing more than to openly love you
and put nothing else above you,
but maybe I shouldn’t”

Maybe I should put me above you
and leave you alone with her
give you time to realize what you lost
when you chose her over me

You think i’m fine because of the smile upon my face
but why can’t you see
that i’ve patched up my skin, and I’m bleeding again
Bleeding out the memories
of the smile in your eyes and the words that resonate in my mind

I can’t close my eyes to go to sleep
cause you’re in every ******* dream
The image of you with your clothes clinging to your body
as the rain soaks through
destroying my makeup and beauty
but leaving you more perfect than ever

Reflecting I can’t help but wonder
If the rain was stealing my beauty to show me a god.
No not a god but a demon
with a beautiful white rose

The flower of innocence and purity
now struck down by the black of your soul
and no one but I can see
The one white flower spattered with tears
that now lays dying at your feet

Because of you
My imagination has now undermined Emma’s words
where she once said “daydreams are Heaven”
No daydreams are hell
The image of you has penetrated my mind so deep
that no matter what I do I can’t get it out

Music is my salvation from the devastation in my mind
Its as if its a capsule thats captured the ruptured beating of my heart
now with every last bit of heart I have left to give
I’m begging you,
to leave.