I may cry
when you pass.
don't be fooled
it's not for you.

It's for the father
I should have had,
the father I deserved.
That's what I'll grieve
not you.

Never you.

What's there to miss?
I can do without you
making me feel awkward,
ignored,
an inconvenience.

Can you understand my view?

There were no cuddles
for me,
no tenderness
or tender words.

I did not even want you
to 'give me away'
on your only daughters
wedding day.
Escaping abroad
escaping feeling ignored.
You lost all rights
to hand me over
to another man
that would protect me.

You never got that right
did you?
Couldn't even protect me
from yourself.

So I sometimes think
about your health,
you, drinking yourself
               to
                    d
                      e
                  ­      a
                          t
                            h­

Not sure how much more
your old and bitter body can take

and I wait* ......

You left me a bruise
the kind you don't realize you have until long after the incident.
A purple tinged skin of a mistake
from pushing too hard and too far
searching for love,
love that would never come.
I cried and begged you for you to want me,
you said you did,
but I saw those messages to her,
and the other girls.
You lied.
You never wanted me.
You only wanted ***
when I wouldn't give it to you
you left.
Left me hanging
from a noose
choking for life.
I screamed for you to come back
I would have given you my all
I was too late.
I realized it
and so did my wrists
as a blade met them
blood ran down my hands
as I left blood soaked fingerprints
on letters
you would never see.

I've shredded those letters now
its been over two years
since I promised I would **** myself if you didn't love me.
I took the crumped notebook and rusty razor blades
out to the trash and threw them away
without a second thought
like you threw away my heart.
The bruise has faded now,
the bruise you left me
the purple has faded to a yellow
you may not notice it at first glance
but when I push on it just right
the same deep-throbbing pain
as when I first received it
shoots through my body
I bite my teeth and curse your name
If it wasn't for your big brown eyes
I would have never gotten myself into that mess.

Do you have any idea the pain you caused me?
or were you too blinded by your own scars to see mine?

the ocean
it’s calling me.
its sweet longing,
tugs at the echoes of the beach.

the water is the greatest illusion,
seemingly blue and seamless,
it washes up,
clear as crystal.

the water stretches for miles
like millions of diamonds
floating on the transparent linen
blurred by the glint of the sun.

sailboats glide past
creating the only dents
in the flawless sheet of foam
haunting the blue ink.

swish

my eyes close
and i lean back
and i let the arms of the waves
catch me

the tides pull me down
until my head is no longer above the surface
and i do not struggle
but say my farewell to the sunlight.

swish

the sounds are fading
and my vision is receding
i try not to fight
and i let my body lie limp

the world will never know i am gone.
the sky will never spill a tear.
insignificant
insignificant

when you hear the echoes of the ocean
or see the million diamonds lined up along the shore
i hope you think of me
and i hope you know,

i am free

*swish

The sadness
Was a black pool
Of a haunting tragedy.

The sadness
Is a suicide
Of a lonely man.

The sadness
Is the gripping of bed sheets
And the clenching of teeth through crying eyes.

The sadness
Are the lonely nights alone
And the agony of vulnerability.

The sadness
Is a contagious disease
A promise of eternal melancholy.

The sadness
Are the sleepless nights
Of empty wishing on dead stars

The sadness
It was an overwhelming emotion
Like a cannibal
Tearing my flesh off my bones
A delicacy of the highest honor.

The sadness
Was a jump from a skyscraper
A slit on the wrist
An overdose off pills.

A merciless dance of death.