You know what i'm tired of?
I'm tired of mental abuse..
No one understands, cause no one ever sees.. There a no visible scars, no proof, and no one has seen.
I am a target of angry outbursts and sarcasm.
It piles up on me, day after day, month after month.

"You just wanna make me look bad!" He tells me
"You brought it on yourself" he laughs
"I treat you like you deserve to be treated!"
"For a smart person you're really dumb"
"Your friends will start to hate you"

And when i say i've had enough..

"You make me madder than anyone ever has!"
"You're such a liar!"
"You're so ******* selfish! You think the world revolves around you"
"That's not what you said, did or felt."
"You just try to make me look bad"
"I didn't attack you! Your mind is really messed up for thinking that"
"You are welcome to leave at any point. There's the door"

  -i'm sorry daddy-

"I have your best interests at heart, if you would just listen to me more.."
"I can't stand to look at you right now.."
"You'll never change"

-yes daddy-

When my brother asks me why i'm crying
"Your sister is crying cause she knows she did something wrong"

-i'm sorry i dropped the cup of coffe on the floor-

"You've got to be ******* kidding me!"
"You will be the death of me!"
"You had to mess things up again didn't you?"
-sorry Daddy-
"Too late, i'm done with you never thinking!.."
"This is all your fault!"

I hate how i can't do something without instantly thinking -was that okay?-

"How dare you eat that taco without asking!"
"You just keep pishing my buttons!"
"This is YOUR issue!"
"You can't do anything right!"
"You need to be careful in how you respond to me"

But the ones that hurt the most..
"The house is peacefull when you're gone"
"We can't sleep when we know you'll be home soon"
"You'll never change"

I try my best.. And i can't just leave, cause i still love him.

I admit it..
I'm an attention *****.

I starve myself, even though i know how skinny i am, even though i know 100 lbs is not a lot.

I starve myself so people will notice me.
Talk about me.
Feel bad for calling me all that rude stuff.

For the
"I want her body"
For the
"Did you lose weight"
For the
People who will start caring.

So people will talk behind my back about how i never eat.

But also to have legs to die for, and a waist to love.
To be perfect.

I was with my boyfriend today.
When i started crying randomly he got confused and tried to comfort me..
But he couldn't
Cause i can'ttell him what's wrong..
He'd just be dissappointed that i feel worse again and that i lost 3 kg in a week.

I can't dissappoint him like that..

Why is it that when you're sick enough.
Recovery feels like the sickness and the relapses feel like recovery?

I think you could compare my situation to a wound.

At first it's a papercut.
Doesn't look like much.
But stings as hell.
Everyone knows that, but no one admits.

Then it turns into a cut.
Still doesn't look like much.
Stings less, but hurts more.
But it doesn't mean much it's just a cut.

And after a while it'll be a fleshwound.
Trips to the ER to get it fixed.
Everyone knowing and asking about it.
Everyone being concerned.

Then it'll get fixes and heal slowly.
But sometimes you rip it back open.
But no one notices that after a while.
You don't want them to know.

This is one of the wounds that'll never heal, there will always be a scab to pick at when you're sad.
You keep ripping it open.

But at one point you learn how to
Protect it, it'll just take a while
And It'll be hard.
But there will still be a wound.

It's getting bad again.
Like.. Really bad.

I wanna be skinny.
Though i know that i am already, but i still have that belly fat.

I wanna go to extremes.
I know i'm attention seeking.
But we all have our small ****** stuff.

I don't wanna get better.
I donmt want to recover.
I want attention.

When we're in the car i can't hum to myself silently, but my brother is allowed to scream along to whatever is in his headphones.

When we're in the car and i ask my brother to stop jumping because his arm hits my face wverytime he does so
I am told to shut up.

When i ask for help i am always just told that i am the oldest one.
But my brother is only 10
So when he asks they're all there with whatever he needs.

When i comment on something my parents won't listen and ask me to shut the **** up.
But when my brother asks, they're all about listening and telling him that he is oh so right.

When i am crying i am told that i have no reason to do so.
But when my brother is crying they're all asking if they can help.

When i want to be with friends i am told that i don't spend enough time with my family.
But when it's my brother, of course he can!

When i want time alone i am told to babysit my littlesister.
When my brother wants time alone he ******* gets it..

And when i say i think that it's unfair, they tell me i'm ridiculous and i also had the perks of being a kid...
But is there no perks of being the oldest?