I wish to be good
I expect to be good
I rise to be good
I thrive to be good
I want to be good
I need to be good
I have to be good,

To myself.

Dear lover,

I finally found the foundation I thought I’ve lost at your grandmother’s house during the summer,
It was where you told me it was,
Inside my luggage indeed.

Along with many other things that I haven’t seen in a while such as
My guitar pick,
My jewelry,
My camera,
Your hoodie,
My hoodie really.
My hair brush,
My seashells from Revere beach,
And a bunch of pictures from us that I never wanted to throw away and I never will.

I put them all in a drawer next to my bed,
The drawer closest to my head,
The drawer that I never open because there is a valentines day card turned upside down,
I refuse to see the massage.


- Dear friend,

I haven’t called you in a while and I’m sorry I disappeared,
I don’t want to bring you down with my depression,
I just don’t think I should add anything else to your plate,
And I’m sorry if I did.

I think I made a mistake,
And I need your help,
But I don’t want your help,
Because I don’t deserve it.

I hid the keys from my drawer and I forgot where I put them.

Now I don’t have access to my most valuable items,

They’re not lost,
I never lost them,
I never threw them away,
And never will,

I just can’t reach them.
I can’t reach to you either,
That’s funny.


- Dear guy that follows me on Instagram,

Your pictures really attract me,
I know that beautiful things can start with just one like,
So I liked all your pictures,
And you liked all mines back,

Is this going somewhere?
Should I slide to through the DMs
A simple "hello?"
A concerning “How are you?”
A heartbreaking “Hey”
A disappointing “I’m sorry”

And that’s why I never wrote back,
And never answered the calls,
And made sure that you knew that I wasn’t going to,
And I didn’t
But now I am.


- Dear stranger,

I love how we vibed for the shortest
And I think that’s a sign for us to vibe longer.

Wanna hang some time?

And if you don’t want to that’s fine,
I get it…

I don’t.
I don’t get it.

I want to hang out with you,
I want to be with you,
I want to be able to like your pictures and not feel that I’m annoying you,

And I want to be able to feel something beautiful when you upload a new picture.

Instead of feeling a sinking hole form right in the middle of my rib cage
,
Swallowing my heart and my bones,
Feeling that they're poking my lungs,
And ripping them apart.

I can’t breath because you’re gone,
You’re not the guy that follows me on instagram anymore,
So I can’t call you that,
And you don’t want me to reach out to you,
And I want your help,
And just your help,
Because you’re the cause of my mistake.

I can’t call you a friend,
Because friends don’t let other friends cry on their own,
And they’re not cold when they go to the hospital for attempted suicide,
They’re not cold when they beg them to not hang up the phone,
They’re just not cold.
And you are,

And it’s my fault.


- Dear stranger,

I found the keys to my drawer.
I’ll send you back your hoodie.

I’ve been in every angle of love.

Love is not good.
It doesn’t matter which viewer you are,
It’s just not good.
I’ve been the one who gives,
I’ve been the one who receives,
I’ve been the the one who gives and receives,
I’ve even been the outsider.
And none of them feel good.

Now I’m with someone that,
For the first time,
Embraces more than I do.
And it’s funny, because I don’t love him.
I like him,
But I don’t love him.
And I don’t know why.

Whenever he searches for my hand to hold,
I smirk,
Or when looks at me, asking for a kiss with his eyes,
I melt.
And when we sleep together
It’s never for ***,
It’ll never be for ***,
We only go to bed when we want to go to sleep.
And when he puts his arms around me,
And lies his head on the back of my neck,
I grab his hand, and fall asleep.
Now I’m a huge snorter,
I snore in my sleep,
Pretty badly by the way.
But I never snorted when I slept with him.
And it’s funny how my soul doesn’t burn when he comes to my mind,
Instead it reboots and buffers around,
searching for something that’s missing.

The love and passion that I have for another man.

You can’t feel cold
When the warm softness of a blanket covers you,

You can’t see light
When it’s covered by a pitch black fabric,

You can’t touch your phone screen
When your hands are inside those red velvet gloves,

You can’t hear voices
When your ears are distracted by your music,

I can’t feel,
I can’t see,
I can’t touch,
I can’t hear,

I can’t feel you,
When she’s covered by the warm softness of your skin,

I can’t see you,
When you’re in a pitch black room accompanied,

I can’t touch you,
When your hands share the same red velvet gloves with her,

I can’t hear you,
Because your ears are distracted by her voice,

We both have something,
You have her,
And I have the nothingness of you.

I miss you.

SNS
June 30, 2016
9:01am

She is okay.
She wakes up every afternoon well rested,
Late,
From last night.
The day is shorter,
It's 2pm and she hasn't looked at herself in the mirror,
But she knows how she looks.
She uses no make up,
But her eyes are black and baggy,
She showers everyday,
But she always smells like salt and wet cotton,
She doesn't suffer from migraines,
But her head is always pounding,
Always hurting.
She never uses her phone,
Just at night,
To pull out a picture which she lays by her side,
So she can cry all night,
Late, late at night,
Because all she uses to rely,
Is a digital photo of the guy she never said "I love you" to.
So she cries all night,
And sleeps all day,
Wakes up by noon,
And repeat her mistake.

/I Didn't Say "I Love you"/ SNS
August 4th, 2016
4:08pm

Because when I go to bed,
is not the same anymore.
Sleeping on a couch was better with you, better than me in a bed for two.
I often remember your presence
by you and me sharing a dream,
listening to each other's breaths and snores.
What a better sound than you besides me, on this living room couch for one.

Let’s talk about relationships:
It’s like being more than friends, but not really a couple
It’s kinda like hooking up when he feels comfortable,
Or when he feels that he isn’t stressed,
But when he is it’s not a good time,
But that’s understandable because he's busy
Although you’re busy a lot
I think I understand how it works,
It’s really simple… I think…

So we become friends,
and I like you, and you don’t get it,
but I still go for you,
and then you get it,
but you didn’t say anything,
but then you feel like you like me,
but you’re not sure,
but now you are sure,
but I’m not suppose to know
so you keep it low key although for everyone else is high key,
but not really,
so then you smile and kiss me,
but never talked about it,
which is okay because you don’t do dating and neither do I,
so we flirt in silence so neither of us know that we like each other,
but we do,
but it’s not worth it because we hate drama, even though i have to change my pillows every night because I cry a little to much on them cause I don’t understand what’s happening,
but that’s okay because that’s really what a relationship is.

No, the words ‘I love you’ are forbidden because he might run away,
But so does your heart so you say it any way,
and he responds “really?”

And it feels like the words were slammed into your face,
Like a slap right were your lips and your cheeks meet when you smile at his presence,
The same spots he kissed you in valentines day,
And you worshiped that cheek like if it was a greek temple where his hand sometimes lived,
And you held it so it wouldn’t go away,
But it did, and that’s okay because that’s really what a relationship is.

Never mind, it’s not like that really,
Let’s talk about us,
How I wish you were still just a human to me,
I don’t want to look at you an see poetry,
Words that climb up to my mind and slide down my hands to make me write
about love,
How your features, that invade every drop of moisture inside my eyes, play Mary-Go-Around in my green iris as if I wasn’t dizzy enough with your complicated relationship status, am I part of that mess inside you?
Because I’m growing into a skin that I can’t fit in,
But I force myself to, because you are in there, somewhere,
Waiting to be loved and feel any chance of paramountcy, like the one you felt when your mother passed away,
You were three years old,
I thought you didn’t remember,
But you cry in silence when your finger tips play those black and white keys,
I sing for you to fall asleep so you could wake up to my love and my love only,
Because I know that that’s what you need,
without bragging or being selfish is the warmth you’re missing when the winter falls in mid October at a little town where nothing really happens but us.
But you never sang along,
And now I have a playlist of music that I can’t listen to because they all remind me of you,
But that’s okay, because that’s really what a relationship is.

I don't understand,
How you crave for knowledge and not love due to your tragic romantic story when you started high school, with someone that wasn’t as alive as I am over your skin,
But you can’t know so I won’t say it,
and shut myself,
which I am anyways,
because you can’t love back the same way I love forward and backwards and forward and backwards,
that’s how it feels when I try to force you to hold my hand but you make an uneasy expression,
Nevertheless you hold it anyways in the interest of my love,
That you had since a long time ago really,
when your blue eyes locked down my green eyes
Effecting your ocean drown my rainforest,
But I am still locked down

Because we were best friends,
But more than friends really,
We were not a couple,
It was a thing, that’s was the call it,
It was like hooking up when you felt comfortable,
Or when you weren’t stressed,
But when you were it was not a good time,
But that was understandable because you were busy,
And now you are always busy
And I think I understand how it works,
It’s really complicated,
How you never said it back or how you hold your feelings in a dark cage with a sign that read “coward"
but that’s okay, because that’s how our relationship was really.
We loved each other…

And now, I just love you.

SNS
Nov. 16, 2016
10:30pm