My thoughts drift slow and lazy
through the valleys of my mind,
reaching out for answers,
searching for something I left behind.

My memories were here once before
with darkness, screams and pain,
the intense fire of creative spirit
dampened to pulp by a wicked brain.

So where did I leave myself
when I escaped in to my head?
I've deconstructed the mental walls
to discover the places I had fled.

Between. Betwixt. Bewitched. Be still,
a balm to soothe this anxious seer.
My thoughts drift slow and lazy
through the valleys of my fears.


© Pagan Paul (20/05/17)

I am lonely,
I am left aside
I don’t have anyone
I am dead inside
I blurred my own sight
I can’t see what is wrong and what is right
I just feel like
I am wrong all the time
I am on the corner of the party
I am alone
I am pure bones

I have some friends,
I can live a life
You can
You just need to try
Don’t be so shy
Live a life
Be alive.

You smiled as you cut me,
convincing me it was for my own good.

As I bled you smiled,
and queried my current state.

I panicked and cried,
as I saw it seep through my shirt.

I begged for help,
for anything to make it stop.

You looked upon me,
faked pity in your eyes.

‘I wish I could do something to help’,
you could have considered the consequences.

I used to melt so easily-
The touch of a hand,
the whisper of sweet nothings.
I had a constant yearning
for the warmth of another.

I was stuck in a hollow
gelatinous state,
Ready to mold myself into
any desired shape.

But now, my exterior
has become much harder,
layers of stone
to protect an interior that's softer.

Now requiring others
to do a lot more forging
and convincing myself
to do a lot less morphing.

Time keeps slipping away.
And we watch it fall into the abyss.
Forever lost.
So we think.

The silence is here now.
Have we hit our target?
Not yet.

My insanity keeps me awake at night.
Insomnia seems so routine.

Where dreams become just fragments of memories…

The streets are still hot from the summer’s day.
And I can’t help but still feel so cold.

You've gained something in this existence.
Don't let fear stop you now.

Keep pushing longer.
Keep working harder...

And everything will be how it should.

What goes on inside my brain?
You wouldn't know cause you're not insane.
My depressive thoughts are taking control and my inner demons are taking over,
I'm sober...but I'm drunk on sadness.
Sadness that seeps through my body and into my veins
"I'm not insane" though they say,
but they don't know me anyway.  
I surrender myself to the demons inside,
Nowhere to hide
but behind this mask I've created for the world to see.
It's not the real me though.
Beneath this mask is the face of someone lost.
Lost in lies.
Lost in sadness.
Lost in love.
And as I try to fill this void the hole gets bigger, making it harder for me to stay happy.
But what's happiness anyway?
I'm not insane. I'm just me.