I
may
play the
joker, *****
the knave, covet
the queen, and tuck
the ace of spades under my
pillow on a ringed moon night,
but I am forever shuffling the same
deck of cards. Marked cards, imprinted
with loss and patterned with misfortune. Co
urt cards dressed in ill-fitting suits, each face as
familiar as my own. Four seasons, four pips; twelve
months, twelve crowns. One card for each week of the
year. Sequentially pred  ictable, and as underwhelming
as a rigged roulette wheel. U ntil, unable to distinguish
between the red and the    b    lack, the picture and the
plain, I fold. Void of      co     ntracts, and bleeding
widowe                            d blanks.
.....So.....
deal­ me in,
but deal me unpainted
and unmastered. Deal me clean.

If I choked, would you notice my lack of breath?
Would you recognize my world filming over
In my eyes?
The air in my lungs have
ALWAYS
Struggled around you.
My heart skips when you speak.
My brain
FIZZLES OUT
When you smile.
And you tell me how much I'm worth to you...


But you are a
TOWNHOUSE
In my city.
My emotions are the clouds, soaring so far overhead...
You'd barely catch a glimpse.
I'm glad our hearts beat to the same love
But you will never witness me breaking.
You will never watch me melt into the floor,
PRAYING
and
CRAVING
That I could wake up in another life at a moment's notice.

IF you watched me
BREAK
Inside, you'd see me for me.
And baby...
I'm scared of myself.
I'm scared of what I'll do if I lose.
If I lose.
If I lose.
If I lose the game of life.

I will never let you watch me break because
IF
I did, you'd realize
My arms hold
SCARS!
My lungs hold
DRUGS!
And my body ******* CRADLES
Bruises.

So yes, I know how much I'm worth to you.
But you only pay for what you eat, right?
Why read the fine print?

This is not a bad thing.
I have been using a mask for years and
NOW
after so long...?


I feel the ache.


I wanna show you all of me.
All clothes, no mask.
Me.

And
THAT
Is IF.

Is that bad?