This poem casts a line from insomnia to morning
On the wind of a prayer that whatever bites, holds on.

See I have counted eleven score and ten,
with rainbow like curves of my neck -
contemptuous beasts leaping in formation
each bleating out a preach of vague platitudes;
A narrative for the night sky.

My hands clamour at keys for escape
until I tumble headfirst into a web so vast
it has ensnared the whole world wide -
millennials are living in-ter-net over in-the-world;
a new ultraviolence against humanity.

I beat my words into the screen until it breaks;
shattering scarlet emoticons like confetti
pouring over language as if it were a compliment.
My mind massages shapeless polypous thoughts
like tight constricted muscles aching for release.

3am casts these philosophies into horses,
whipping them into shape and speed
before the eyes of this statuesque ******.
This anxious wakefulness begs my manic self to dance;
suggestively ******* tickets to ride like cleavage.

Sleep is fast becoming a neglected former engagement;
as my mind trips over fallen heroes
wades through my favourite mistakes
in a wonderland unfolding faster than I can fall
while the world beyond my window remains dark.

Once
I ran with devils
& was surrounded
by demons in hell &
I fought my way out
with ultraviolence.

But the Lord knew
deep down
I was a lover,
does anybody know
that feeling?

Replaceable
Just here for your entertainment
When I'm not functioning
Or ******* your ****
I'm the atm machine
Used up
No wonder I can't get in the mood
You want someone new
Exhausted
Detached
You aren't you on or off the meds
Sad girlfriend
Weeping at night
Your back to me
Sleeping tight
I don't want saving I want you
To feel your love again
To cuddle up to
I'm only typing to fight back the tears

I read minds and break hearts.
I break rules then fall apart.
I was living a nightmare, like Freddy vs Jason,
**** left my psyche with Knicks and bruises -
Im the new Anthony Mason,
Mfs was movin foul, soon got upgraded to a flagrant,
I was in the cut bumpin Indicud,
I felt like Elmer Fudd cause of the backstabbing i was facing,
I soon got aquainted..with the fragrance, of defeat,
Thought revenge was sweet,
I had **** twisted like a twizzler,
Jealousy is for the weak,
You gotta live with your decision but them emotions are just visitors,
I couldn't stomach it .
My arrangements was far from edible,
I made a mess of the amendments
Im a of a man mess - I got a list of demands...
Im always on a different tune from the rest of the band,
I refuse to just sit and watch but this is more than i can stand,
Life was a beach..
My coral reef was in disbelief - My castles were made of sand.


You gotta learn to appreciate the darkness.
I was too proud to beg your pardon ,
I preferred the isolation - coulded help but be guarded,
Sometimes you gotta take that step back, like Harden,
And sink some of them boats filled with feelins you been harboring,
I was feeling more like Malcom - less like Martin,
My cruise was less controlled, My directives were departed,
***** I been hard to reach & outta touch,
been tryin to get a grip but been stuck in a rut,
I had an underlying desire to be violent.
My treble was to the left, cue the chelo and the violin,
I felt the hate on my skin and my distain was topical,
My blood was boiling but my climate was far from tropical,
It was a wrap for ****** but my plans always got foiled,
I was ready to strike, so like a cobra - I coiled,
I was quick to bite but took mad damage from the recoil,
****** did me *****, i was just sinkin in the soil,
I would stoop to levels with antics that resembled porch monkeys,
Was supposed to be a boss - but was movin like a flunky.
I was Jefe in my head - but was actin like a *****.
Went from optimizing opportunities to wondering where my optimism  went,
Karma had dropkicked me , left my armor with a dent,
I couldn't get through by just hoping - started swingin for the fence,
Nas said "Life's a *****" - Now Im seeing what he meant...

Crouched between the table & the wall
with his eyes in his hands
& his mouth in the shape of a small
barren island in the Atlantic Ocean
he waits for the blow to fall

Opposite him in the angle formed
by a filing cabinet & a drinks dispenser
a tiny furry creature does the rat-fink-a-boo-boo
its eyes blinking furiously
its ears revolving like an out-of-control radar station

Somewhere a radio plays
& a voice gabbles something about moonshine
& binge drinking & little green men out of Upminister
who are SERIOUSLY NO SERIOUSLY GONNA F--- YOU UP MAN

Later there will be music & lights & long legged
lovelies will strut their funky stuff across the walls
while a siren sounds in the street below
& the woodentops come calling
cudgels primed for some ******* ultraviolence

Unsettled fingertips tap the counter and
I clench my fists
Unclench
Clench
Unclench
Clench
I live inside Salem,
A body of mystery and fear
Torn between truth and myth,
The void exactly where you wanted me

"Are we going to fix it?"
We don't talk about it
"Is it going to work?"
We don't talk about it
"I love you"
We don't ******* talk about it

5 years is an eternity for girls living apart
Separate states and contrastive attitudes
Regarding colorful race and travelling the world
I wanted adventure and you wanted safe

I think about you when I row the river,
I think about you when I paint the landscapes and
I think about you when I'm drinking
A wrecked, terse woman wasting in oblivion

You injected distrust in each of my veins,
slowly seeping throughout my body,
Creating a coma of emotional insecurity
year
after
year

And I believed you this time
I believed you last time and
the time after that but
I will not believe you the next time

I sat on the curb at 3am and discussed
endless options of our future
I didn't need to prove myself further,
Since I've already done the hard part,
Driving 5 hours in the middle of the night,
in secret to see you, darling

"Are you coming?"
"I'm coming"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure"
Do you promise?"
"I promise"

I did the hard part and it was your turn
Your turn to prove that you meant it,
that you wanted it to work

The sun was pouring that day,
When you cried and choked on the words,
"I like a boy,"
Words that weren't so foreign
but that were piercing to my heart

"It's okay," I said
"I still love you," I said
A beautiful mountain girl surrounded
by bigotry and hate in a state full
of so much beauty

Acidic tendencies in the middle of the night,
I washed my hair with your ******* forgery,
My eyes poured for days, unceasing
Unrelenting
Ultraviolence on repeat because
Lana can make it beautiful

A heartbreak so heartbreaking
and I loved you
I loved you more than the pale moonlit mountains
and the Ferris Wheel skidding the clouds and
I loved you more than jars full of sand and
Midnight fireflies and cool, sophic fire scented air
I loved you more than loose t-shirts on lazy days
and I ******* loved you

"I love you more than this mixtape,"
with the memories of swaying palms and
gravitating tide pulls and a simple sentence of
"You look so familiar."

I wish I had never seen you
Blonde hair, windy
Blue eyes, angry
I wish I had never glanced toward the deck 5 years ago
on the shore where all things seemed beautiful

Because All Things Seem Beautiful
at first, before the crash of thunder and
Before paradise lost its way home

"It's not goodbye," you said
"It's see you later," you said
And I wish it was the former and never the latter
Because this road was lost many years ago when
Empty promises promised to exist

You've broken my heart and
I
Loved
It
because with you, dark nights
seem a little breezier and howling coyotes
drown out country ambitions because
with you, with all of you,
it's too safe
Too ******* safe

I loved you the first time,
and I loved you the last time
I need my trust back and I can't be waiting
for you to make up your mind on your *******
domesticated relationships because you feel
better hiding than being passionate

Hiding behind your masculine partner,
A partner so very vague and so very safe,
when you didn't take the chance that I did
A chance that would have worked, for as long
as things really work
I would've tried for you

I need to trust again
I need believe when others say that they're coming
I need this distrust to deteriorate because
I can't do days of stomach aches and
gipping anxiety anymore
I need to trust and to love because
I know that I'm good at it,
but you've taken my ability to love
and flushed it like cold coffee

This is okay
I am okay
Because each day that I go from you,
the happier I feel and the freer I feel
I'm a kite that catches the wind at ungodly times
of night and a gemstone that scratches too easily
when promised a warranty

Goodbye to you, beautiful mountain girl
I'm saying what I need for me and never for you
because I loved you in past tense and the present
is so forbidden

Goodluck with your normalcy,
while you lick your lips with Jesus
and while I light a cigarette so sweet and pure
Goodbye, beautiful mountain girl
Goodbye

I can hear violins, violins
Give me all of that ultraviolence*
Lana Del Rey

only you can explode gentle supernovas
in my hands
when the space is forever expanding
between us
until the night comes out of its womb
pure

decisions of consequence
matters of missed signs
crossed lines
beyond common sense
delve into the lost mind
one last time
find the insanity offence
a list of who lives and who dies
who deserves recompence
whos eyes get to view mine
in my definitive act of ultraviolence

your gunpowder steel
on my sycamore blues
haunted by vanity
on a string just out of reach
escape the perpetual debt
we have to our makers
captive in sun strewn streaks of shade
never to feel the warmth of its gaze
willingly judged by sunburnt noses
for being less than
I just want to sparkle
in the ultraviolence.