pain knocks on weathered doors
fastened ever tightly
cryptic access is denied
it camouflages in the shadows

stealthily it watches
hypervigilance enhancing
catastrophe awaiting
it strikes in latent graveyards

the gale begins to form
and unleashes its fierce torrent
the latch shattered and torn
there’s now an open entrance

creeping in it slithers
engulfing to encompass
digging up emotions
buried underground there

hovering and foggy
tho’ murky does not smother
but fleshes out the psyche
entombed and cobweb covered

it crawls along the edges
and peers in secret ledges
seeps into sequesters
like dust settled in feathers

it slides through every feeling
and when it’s at its blackest
it carves the darkness out
and let’s in sunlight’s presence

© 2016janetaylor

racing through conversations
planning through scenarios

seeing endless possible outcomes to a present that has not eventuated,
may not...
probably will not happen...
processing

constantly processing
analysing faces
check out the body language
looking for nuances
shifting positions
seeing endless possible outcomes to a present that has not eventuated,
may not...
probably will not happen...
processing
constantly processing

where is the off switch? this is ******* exhausting

you stepped
into my room
last night
quietly watching me dream
the warmth of
your breath
floating towards me

hesitation
as emotions fluctuated
a kaliedescope
all the possibilities,
ever changing

I almost felt
then not...
a moment
when we may have
reconnected
yet
your seperation
from me palpable

eyes shut
my hypervigilance
instinctual
protecting my being
knowing
that by opening
myself to you
I may feel
my heart
breaking
once again*

Copyright © October, 2016.
Christi Michaels.
All Rights Reserved.

i do not feel safe
on the fifth floor
with all the windows locked
and two turns of the deadbolt
don't forget the chair under the door

i do not feel safe
walking home from the grocery store
in this horribly gentrified neighborhood
at 4pm on a sunny
saturday afternoon

i do not feel safe
handing over my clothes to someone else
i know they have to be washed
i've gone too long already
but i bite my lip until my belongings are
back in my line of sight

i do not feel safe
alone in zoom office hours
with my camera off
how can i be hurt through a screen?
but it never reassures me

i do not feel safe
when the electrician comes to fix
the circuit
i called it an electric circle
he does not look at me that way
the way that makes me sit in the
backseat of my own mind
but i cringe when he looks at me
at all

they call it hypervigilance
vigilance
from latin vigilare
"be watchful"
i am watchful, watchful, watchful
maybe that's why i cant fall asleep.

what do you see when you look at me with eyes full of love and mouth full of disgust and skin full of distrust
what do you see?
i want to drown in every goodbadhurtfulsweet
thought you’ve ever had of me
i’ve been told that my skin in the perfect color
“i’ve never seen eyes that shade of brown”
“such pretty girls shouldn’t frown”
is that really all you like?

i’m not here for you
i’m not even really here for me
and i’m trying to heal from monsters you don’t know about
demons you can’t see
hiding behind giggles and the smiles you plaster onto me
this is what i’m supposed to be like
petite waist
luscious thighs
this is what people like you like

i don’t want to be me anymore
there’s this thing called hypervigilance  
the persistent feeling of being under threat
and i’m drowning
i’m drowning in my skin and my lungs want to breathe but
they don’t deserve to
it feels like there’s stone hands wrapped around my throat
my hands, your hands, the first boy i ever loved has his hands
even tighter
this pain is everlasting
i want to let go

i suppose i should thank you now
the person looking back at me
disgustingly brown eyes
deceiving lips  
“i’m broken”
i scream it to myself
“broken”
louder
“broke”
i say it until i bleed from anger
“ok”
these words are all the same
rhymes no different from the last
but this is me now
this is me when my bones are made of glass

i feel like i could break if you slapped me any harder
but these are my hands getting *****
my hands that can’t stop turning skin colors
that it was never meant to be
i’m a canvas but my body doesn’t agree with me
what do you see?
am i an hourglass
am i perfect yet
am i everything you need
everything i need
what do you see when you look at me?

Normal
That's what you are before it happens.
Death is an abstract concept.
You may have thought about it.
You may have feared it.
But you never think
"Today I could die"

You never thought
Someone would violate
Your integrity
It was just an abstract concept.
You have thought about it
But never really felt it
You never thought
"Today someone might violate me"

But then it happens
I remembered nothing
There was an euphoria
Within me, like all was well
And a contradiction
Tells you to watch you step
hypervigilance

You make peace with death
You smile at it
if you have to have me, please be kind
You don't want it to hurt
So you learn to fight
And you learn to flight.
It's a brave new world

Things that nobody else
Sees as a problem
Send a panic through your gut
And you know it's not a big deal
but what if it is
what if it happens again
There's a new set of rules
As the adrenaline
Creates new pathways in your brain.
There's now a new set of rules
For what should be considered dangerous.

My knees go weak and my fingers start crouching
Its only the first week, the first breeze and I can already feel the butterflies in my stomach screeching
I twitch, I twitch, I twitch
I Stutter and fail to speak while my eyes gain the grip of my stare
There's nobody to turn to because I'm alone in this dark room
But I feel crowded
I hear many voices in my head like an angry mob
My heart starts to throb
And my eyes cease to form some watery substance in them
I begin to feel as if my heart has been detached from my body
And my heart is not a match for this body
So my mind starts to play games with me
Telling me all the negative things one wouldn't dream of hearing
I over think each and everything that crosses my mind
I bottle my pain inside
So undefined
Indecisive
At times I feel abandoned and not worth it
Discouraged and disfigured
Different from you, you, you and you
Don't understand that I'm slowly sinking
Drowning in my own thoughts
I cannot shut the emotion down
So I shut the door behind me because I fear that my insecurities will try and crawl up to my mind too
Even though it's killing me inside, I try my best not to cry
Simply because I am a victim of hypervigilance

I haven't breathed easy in awhile
I keep my words hidden
My voice soft
I keep my thoughts silent
My smiles strong

Conversations were on the surface
Touch was only superficial
Never go in too deep, I told myself
Never let yourself drown

I haven't felt relaxed in awhile
They call it hypervigilance
I told him I was just observant
Guessing and second guessing
You and me and them

Closeness was artificial
Connection kept at a distance
Never get too close, I said
Broken and unbroken never again

I haven't breathed easy in awhile
The breaths I take are deep and heavy
Each step laden with weights
but light and soft and quiet
This is how I survive, this is how I survive

No, no it was never easy
The ease you see is curated
The ease you observe is practiced
Keep it light, I remind myself
Keep it muted

Oh, but I want to live
I want to breathe
I want to relax
And I wish it were that easy
I truly wish it was easy

Midnight always whispers a lonely darkness no forest cry could heal,
     fear dwells on the soul of the forgiving.
Shivers ache down my back with a bitter cold of the Earth against my skin.
Half truths are sanctioned screams of apology,
Misleading further to guard the wound of the weak.
                                      Empty.
Echoes dark and dead play in my ears as I scan the room,
      thunder collapses over the thought and leaves a shadow of apprehension.
Over the shoulder looks to be confused as gawking.
Searching for a sense of security-
                   often misunderstood.
Nonstop checking,
               Constant glances,
                       Never to be surprised.
Hypervigilance fissures itself into every spare second,
            guiding cogitation to cause a false sense of benevolence.