Beyond a beginingless beginning.
It was but was not any "god" or "goddess".
It was but was not "deva" or "devi".
It was but was not "angel" or "demon".
It was but was not a metaphysical being of any kind.
It was but had not any name nor could it be named.
It was but had not any face nor likeness.
It was but had not any body not corporeal form.
It was but had not gender nor ***.
It was but was not incarnate or disincarnate.
It was but was not existent nor non existent.
It was but could not be described by any words in any way.
It was but had not depth nor height nor breadth nor volume.
It was but could not be measured in any way.
It was but could not be imagined.
It was but had not materiality of any kind.
It was but had not immateriality in any way.
It was but had not space nor lack of space.
It was but had not direction nor lack of direction.
It was but had not nothingness.
It was but had not somethingness.
It was but had not anythingness.
It was but had not beingness.
It was but had not light nor dark.
It was but had not wetness or dryness.
It was but was not nowhere.
It was but had not somewhere.
It was but had not anywhere.
It was and then it manifested the nature of its essence
and became the endless Universe and all that was in the Universe.
All that was incarnate.
All that was disincarnate.
All that was physical and metaphysical.
All that was existing and non existing.
And still it was.
It manifested itself in ignorance of its own nature as the Isness of the Universe,in order to participate in the existence it had created from its own nature on an equal and fair level with humanity.
It gave of itself by incarnating a small piece of its own nature into all human bodies,both male and female ,equally but different,at conception and then it made them all ignorant of their beginings as it made itself ignorant of its own beginings.
And then it set these Isness incarnated in human bodies the riddle of the existence that had arisen from its manifestation as the Universe and all that was in it.
It posed these three questions to Humanity and itself.
1--What am I?.
2--Why am I here?.
3--When I know what I am then what is my purpose.
The Isness of the Universe set each individual Isness incarnated in a human body the task of realising its own nature,which was a part of the nature of the Isness of the Universe, so that each individual Isness could then show the Isness of the Universe its own nature incarnated in a human body,female or male equally of any skin colour,dancing the dance of life,singing the song of life..
The principle governing our joint action on creating the Universe and all it contains,especially Humanity,was that before you can reach the heights of Existence you must  go through the depths of Existence.
And oh boy are we going through the depths playing these Mind games?.

www.beyondenlightenment.co.uk

I've changed since then.
I've grown up, to learn from my mistakes.
I can't bare to keep it from you.
That pain I can not take.

The drugs and pleasure were not what I needed,
I moved on to think I had succeeded.
But I had pain inside, because I was not whole.
I did not speak the truth and words were not spoken.

Though it may have seemed fine, it wasn't.
I could not hide it anymore.
No lie or secret was worth the pain I felt.
I had to let you know.

I'm sorry I lied.
I'm sorry I failed.
But I know I can be forgiven.
For its what gods intentions would have felt.

So this, readers and friends
Is where it began
I don't know where it ends
But let's look back again

A fourteen year old is writing
In a hospital room
Far her right in bright lighting
Is great-grandma, who'll die soon

She has few memories of her
As she wonders about home
Nonni keeps asking mother
Not to leave the girls alone

Now we're back in the hospital
On some Pennsylvanian hill
Thirty five family members in total
Nonni's more than ill

Christmas day, and we're at a friend's house
When we hear that final call
A week later, I'm at a funeral, sounding like a mouse
For someone I nearly didn't know at all

Looking back, that was the start
Of most of my questions
On society, religion, art
What the rules really ment

I found a taste for the books
That mom didn't like
I expanded my looks
Gained interest in the night

I started growing apart
From those I once knew
With secrets in my heart
My friends were my closest few

I learned more about a family
That I once thought typical
And (mostly) solved my belifs
On the meaning of "it all"

I look back on the before
As though regarding a cat
It's cute innocence I adore
I find it hard to believe I was that

I still have that Christmas blanket
A snow leopard, her last gift
For a woman I saw maybe four or five times, it
Still has a nice warmth to it

So sometimes I dream of a mint hospital wall
And think back to the start of it all

I fear that it isnt long enough.
and i cant describe
it sinks
Like a carrot in gravy
Straight emptiness.
Existence begins and we float
characters in a bowl
thick goop holds it together
with no end.

I draw on a place,
That is within me,
twisting and turning,
Vast crevices abound,
An emptiness exist here,
Like deep caverns,
echoing aloneness,
I search for meaning inside me,
I search for meaning outside as well,
Purpose, I suppose, is what I make of it,
Hell too.

ABSENCE, hear thou my protestation
    Against thy strength,
    Distance, and length;
Do what thou canst for alteration:
  For hearts of truest mettle         
  Absence doth join, and Time doth settle*


While she sits in her chair
vaguely following the conversation
she also drifts away in time and inclination
to care for the important things we discuss
in many ways she is beyond those cares
her decision has been made
and we but sound and fury
isee she is now more complete
and composed than of recent days
for her there is hope in the path she takes

i cannot begrudge her the choice she has made
as she said her age and medical disposition
means she is already walking that road.

but as daughters do I peer forward even now
and feel the lack of her grace in daily events
Even today as we make plans, her abscence
whilst still being here is a vast gap of darkness
that we all avoid with plattitudes and brightness

In our private hearts we do rail against the
happenstance injustice that befalls the matriarch
we struggle with the alteration to the long march home
we come together to watch as we fall apart in small
and large measures...

In our minds we pledge the best,
in our hearts we pray for speed
We know she has forever etched
herself into our bones and being
but we quietly sorrow at her growing
absence...apart from her memories
and leavingd


 *His mind hath found
    Affection’s ground
Beyond time, place, and all mortality.         
  To hearts that cannot vary
  Absence is present.

Endings are hard
There is no truth to them
Always more to be seen or said
How clich'e

Beginnings are easier
But still they sprang from somewhere
I hope for the best of beginnings
Because the best soil comes from well churned dirt

Every single thing has a beginning
Ecah consonant starts with a single star
Every matter  pulps from atoms
Each dream errupts from a single hope
Just like that
You grow with the beginning
From the first cry
Your first smile
The little frown of your yawn
Gazing the dream like nights
Thinking of the mystical feelings
Everything has a start
And so do you.
It palpalates into your demons
It creates your angels
It beats your heart
It aches your muscles
It dwells on your liberty
It suffocates your laughter
It  propounds your ecasty
It needs you
It helps you
It eats you
It parasites you.
Thing is
You let it.

The twisted reality is that bones break. People literally break and you dont always get better. Lives end, stories end, and people rarely get new beginings. The twisted reality is that none of what you thought as a kid was true. Not everyone can be president, and you cant be who you want to be. The twisted reality is that there are monsters in some little girls rooms, and thier moms cant make them go away. The twisted reality is that nightmares only end when you do, you dont get to wake up and think everything is fine. The twisted reality is that your parents lie to you. Not everyone is beautiful, not everyone is talented, and not everyone can be special. The twisted reality is that someone in your current school will become a 'villian' before thier life is over. The twisted reality is that we are all villians. Doing horrible things for what we think is right. The twisted reality is that most people will ignore what i am saying. Live in the lie. The twisted reality is people die thinking everything is fine.

They reach behind me in the storm
Oil rains from the sky
The wild are set loose to rain
Bringing wrath and leashing pain

The veins on my arms tighten
Waiting for the skies to lighten
The fear is gone lost on the brave
Waiting for the victory they crave

The light at the end of the tunnel
Fire twigs and matches bundle
Duck your head and harden your heart
Do my will and do your part

The earth is uncertain of which side its on
The skies are empty and the sun is gone
The clouds tremble and they hide
Waiting for the tide

Mount your steed and say your prayers
Deep into the earth many rocky layers
The core or heart of our home
The death of many to atone

The blood that was shed in this place
The world rid of every trace
Scrolls with words
Wings on birds

The things you trust and remember
The light to bring and darkness sever

I wish I could hold your heart in my hands and promise you that everything's going to be alright but my hands haven't seen "alright" since I was young enough to hope and dream that my dad would stop worshiping some God he'll  never meet and start worshiping his own flesh and blood, and I could fall in love with your eyes but that would mean staying and the windows have been showing my name in fogged glass for years, your body could be my home but I've been kicked out of every place I've called my home since I was 10 years old and I'm not sure i can handle another eviction notice written in my own blood. I could fall in love with you but you have to promise not to expect something you will never receive. I could promise you forever but forever has a tendency of running away before I can explain why I won't make a promise to someone who hasn't bolted the doors shut.