it was in

the times

where

i felt

the most

alone

that

i learned

the most

about

myself.

today didn’t go as i planned.
i lost control around 10:00 am
when i felt as though a lung had collapsed
i had to take a (not-so) quick breather
in the stall of the girls bathroom
where i sat on the cold tile floor
i wanted to cry but no tears came
i wanted to scream but i couldn’t make a sound
i wanted to call you but then i remembered
so i sat there surrounded by the emptiness
only sound was my heavy breathing
and the a.c. clicking on and off occasionally
i wish i could do that with my emotions
turn them off when i get too cold

while you were busy loving someone else
i took some time to fall in love with myself
i put up my hair and washed my face
wiping away any traces i had left of you
encrypted in the layer of grey you had
painted on my skin
sitting in front of the mirror i noticed
things about myself that i hadn’t before
little freckles traced my nose and the
tops of my cheeks, they’re like tiny constellations.
lashes so long and dark, I never needed mascara.
eyes like the night sky, black,
but calm, no wonder no one sees through them.
and that’s when i realized
the snow is gone.
it is time for me to bloom.

it hurts me a lot to know that
you don’t need me as much as i need you
i wonder if this is just us growing apart
but i don’t know why it had to be like this
i knew we were different but
i didn’t think it’d ever come to this
when you’re busy every time i call
because you’re spending all your time
with others and forgetting that i exist too
are you trying to tell me something
the nights we spent laying on my bed
just talking must not be
thrilling enough for you anymore
but i guess people don’t always stay
it’s just, you’re leaving so soon

i didn’t know forever was so short

i’d like to start this off saying
thank you.
thank you for making me feel
whole and
appreciated and
important and
loved.
thank you for giving me the
same feeling i get looking up at
the night sky when i looked
into your eyes,
thank you for holding me
when i thought i’d never
stop shaking,
thank you for making me believe
that everything will work out
one day.

maybe we didn’t work out in the end.
maybe we weren’t meant to be.
and as much pain as leaving each other
is causing me, i’d never undo my time
with you.  
you taught me so much
about myself
about others
about love.
from the bottom of my heart,
thank you for that, and
i wish you every happiness.

the stars twinkle in the night
they shine down on me as i lay on
the blanket in the cool damp grass
and look up at the sky
there is something magical about it
the way the stars sprinkle the
darkness, sort of like
God took a palette and
painted the canvas that is the night sky
but the stars alone were
not enough to keep the universe
going, so he added
a moon to give out radiant light
he painted other worlds
up there too
right now, the only
other world i can think about
is the one i could have with you

but to me you are my moon
and to you i am only a star

we binge watch shows on netflix,
read book after book after book,
daydream about impossible things,
things that we wish would happen.
we scroll through other people’s instagram profiles
watch concert videos online,
look at photos of beautiful places,
all because we are bored of our own lives.