you don't look sick
you don't look like your entire world has been
falling apart for years
and you're only holding on by a thread.
you don't look like you cry yourself to
sleep every Sunday at 4 pm
when no one else is home.
you don't look like you've been
ignored by your friends and family
because they can't deal with someone
else's feelings and problems right now.
you don't look like you've
been in bed for four days straight,
haven't showered or brushed your teeth because
what would be the point when you have
no inclination to even leave your house.
you don't look sick.
that's the sickest thing you can say.
because i don't have a physical handicap
that society has associated with all sick people.
because you don't see the days when i just stare
at a blank wall because there is nothing
nothing and no one that interests me.

and don't get me wrong.
i love you all.
i just have no support from you
because you don't see my illness and
you can't be bothered.
it's fine.
so i hide it further
until i can't anymore
and i find help and support
because i don't want to do it alone

The signs have always been there
You chose to ignore the marks
on my wrists, my thighs, my feet.
I chose to ignore your furrowed brows
And I chose not to offer pleads.
I cannot remember a time before I was this broken
Before your calloused hands roamed my bloodless skin and left in its wake, marks more permanent than any tattoo you don’t approve of.
And now
I’ve learnt to make jokes at my own expense to prove that my pain is owned only by me

you unfollowed me
which in this generation is
akin to alienation,
it shuts down the waves of good vibrations
and signals the immediate effective termination
of friendship.
in a click of a button,
the tap of a screen,
and everything we've worked toward,
wasn't what it seemed.

you moved away
we never spoke again and i feel like
that's my fault.
why?
you're the one who
ended communication,
gave no explanation and even
closed off an opportunity for reunification,
but it's my fault.

you burnt the bridges
that supported you on the
epic failure that is your journey.
you never tried hard enough
you complained too much.
i believed in you.

i still believe,
with zero proof,
that you could pull yourself from
the rubble of your lies.
and walk through these streets,
head held high,
as a champion of your own design.

your dreams are still attainable,
and i hope the severed lines
of our friendship
was something that pushed you
to be more than you ever thought you could be.

i still believe,
with zero proof,
that you could still put others
first, for a change,
and set forth on the life-changing
journey you wanted.

i hope i was the toxic friend
that was holding you back.
at least then,
i can accept the death of years spent
together, with nothing but love and support on
my end, and nothing but self-diagnosed
illnesses, self-hate, and self-deprecation on yours.

i fell in love with
the idea
of falling in love,
with the idea
of you.
you were without
question,
the one that
made my heart
pound.
the one that
opened
my mind to
thoughts i didn't think
i could have.
i fell in love with the
idea of love and the
space between us seemed
to narrow in my mind.
and knowing this
made it easy
to spend the summer
falling out of
love with all
the ideas of
you.

A human's prerogative is to search
and destroy
We spend a lifetime in search of some
aesthetic
A visual, physical representation
that makes our hearts
ache and our bodies
relax
We spend a lifetime finding
new aesthetics
after walking away from the
burnt remains of our
last one
We find beauty in new things
new people
new life
everyday
Because yesterday’s
beauty no longer exists.
In a world where black meets white
colors change at alarming rates
until it there is nothing,
until it has lost its originality,
it’s beauty.
A human’s prerogative is to search
and destroy
After finding the perfect aesthetic
we had built up and put on a shrine
we set in to flames in full viewing
of the world.
After looking beauty in the face
we punch it
we break it
We call it names
until beauty destroys itself
After transforming something ordinary
into something unique
We put it in live viewing
for the world to see it,
judge it,
break it down,
destroy the source of beauty
so more beautiful things can never emerge.
As humans, we see beauty in little things;
so we catch them in nets
and hang their corpses
on our walls as
trophies, as an
ode to a former beauty
that lives on as a decoration
and not as it was intended.
We destroy what we don’t
understand.
We destroy what we don’t
have.
We destroy what we can’t
create.
Because we were taught
by generations of humans before us
to search for and destroy life.