i have to keep myself together
for everyone around
i can't let them see my tears
can't make a sad sound

i should be able to open up
but something inside me cringes at the thought
keeping me locked up
tying me up in a knot

i long to break free
of these bonds i have caged myself in
i misplaced the key
sewn shut in my own skin

i need to release this pressure
this sadness needs to escape
find air that is fresher
i can't keep fixing it with tape

i need to rip the bandaid off
**** this fake smile
i don't care how you scoff
i need to be real for a while

let me cry
let me sob
let me die
let me throb

let me break open
split apart at the seams
i feel like i'm choking
on my own unspoken screams
the moment before the crash
 Aug 30 lexi
Undone
How?
 Aug 30 lexi
Undone
I sit and I think
Gazing out at the muted blueberry sky
Remembering all that lead me here
    All the hands that grabbed me
    All the tears into pillow cases
    All the unanswered prayers
Silently I laugh at the absurdity of it
I can’t help but find it amusing
How something like this could happen to someone like me
What a joke
What a life

I look up
Searching for *** to pop up from behind the clouds and shout “April Fools!”
But I only find miles of smog
stretching over haunted childhood streets
With a smirk and a snicker
My eyes fall to the ground
I never thought this would be my life
At least it’s not boring
At least it’s something to write about
Lookin for an escape
sp1nning
fluctuat1ng
all around me

the 1mages never stay the same
as soon as 1 think 1 see 1t
1t changes
a small shift
throwing my percept1on 1nto a d1zzying dance

c1rcular room
m1rrors enfolding me
1n a reflect1ve embrace

1 see myself
warped
1n a million d1fferent places
a superf1c1al 1mage of me

the embrace of the m1rrors
turns strangling
constr1cting snapshots of my face

gasp1ng
chok1ng
for air

but relief does not come

1 am encased in a million different vers1ons of myself
who am 1
I squiggle and squirm
Trying to find a place
Inside this suit of skin I wear
Try to display my feelings on my face

But no matter how I shift and slide
There is no room for me here
In this skin in which I hide
Where I live with my fear

I wonder constantly
How does everyone seem so comfortable?
So happy and free?
In their very own skin
How are they different from me?

I see them walking
Confident
Hips swaying
Moving with no consequence

How can I love myself
If I don't even feel comfortable with myself?

In other words,
How do I love a stranger?
Even though I live with myself
I feel like someone that I've just met
 Jul 11 lexi
Wyatt
Victory.
 Jul 11 lexi
Wyatt
I stiffen, I stumble,
I'm static, I'm humbled
and slowly I mumble
these words of defeat.
You're reading, I'm writing
of all of my findings.
I'm digging, I'm hurting.
Outcome, bittersweet.
The past is my mask,
and today is a blur for me.
That mask has molded me,
the future's grown murky.
In depths of despair,
I write out my affairs.
Devil thought he got me,
yet I've drained all my worry
onto the page in front of me.

I'm bitter, yet triggered
to reveal how I feel,
I'm the sender of mail
made out to you to no avail.
The girl that catches me
inside miles of magic
won't know how I'm feeling,
these words of mine are tragic.
I cannot grow wings
yet my words make me soar.
I've never had a voice,
yet the page hears me roar.
I've bled, I've fed into mistakes.
Hands write so fast I can't keep up it's pace.
That mask of my past no longer fits my face.

I hurt, yet I write to deal with that hurt.
Clutching to pens, for better or worse.
If I either merge with the clouds or go in reverse,
just know I was happy that you read these words.
It's a daily conflict and come to find out
that it's a daily that's also become my reward.
That word has multiple meanings to me,
I've always used my pen like it was my sword.
Yesterday was a day that I sold out to misery,
yet today is a day where I claim a victory.
I've come a long way. This is expression of that.
 Jul 10 lexi
A
Shallow.
 Jul 10 lexi
A
We laughed and we cried,
We talked through the night,
We stayed on the same side,
We fought to make things right.

Remember when I'd fall?
You'd tell me I could rise,
I'd stand back up so tall,
I'd grown, I was more wise.

I was there when you'd need me,
I'd hold you to my chest,
You'd have me completely,
I'd make you see the best.

Somewhere along the line,
You started to drift away,
I wanted you to stay mine,
So I tried to make you stay.

You told me it wasn't me,
And so that's what I believed,
Your words they came easy,
It made me feel relieved.

But everything was a lie,
Times became so tough,
And I'd ask myself why,
Why aren't I good enough?

You think you can do better,
You don't see me inside,
My eyes become wetter,
As my confidence has died.

You'll keep searching for more,
While you crush my heart with your fist,
Find what you're looking for,
But perfect doesn't exist.

There was something wrong with me,
There'll be something wrong with her,
Consumed with vanity,
Consumed with what you prefer.

I can be a perfect size,
I can match what you desire,
Capture attention from the guys,
Be the one they all admire.

I'll learn to love myself,
But in a completely different way,
Won't place others to the back of the shelf,
Appreciate them everyday.

You'll keep on judging,
Remaining forever shallow,
Their confidence you'll keep nudging,
But one day you'll sit and wallow

As all the good ones got away,
The best ones you've ever known,
See you didn't let any stay,
And now you're all alone.
YEP
 Jun 25 lexi
ali
gray
 Jun 25 lexi
ali
i've run out of poetry,
and now all i'm left with
is gray.

gray surroundings,
gray people.
i'm lost in a world
that's lost in itself.

i can't find the words
to even say what i'm feeling,
because all i see is confusion
staring right back at me.

i'm in a room full of mirrors,
my own reflection
not appearing
because i've lost myself
in the depths of my thoughts.

someone,
please find me,
someone, anyone,
i'm gasping for air
that's not even there.

no one understands,
yet you're all here to listen.

there's only one problem.

i can't find the words-
i've run out of poetry.
my solution to having writer's block but also desperately needing to write at the same time
My poems are pretty nice, I know
These premeditated thoughts I type up
To show you a sliver of me
But you haven't met me in person

On the other side of this poem
The other side of the screen
I'm just another high school student
Plodding along with the rest

I have a few people
(like, one or two)
Who I talk to occasionally
So I can call them friends

I have a loving family
There are seven of us in the house, though
So it's a bit crowded
And crowds stress me out

I'm a bit of an introvert
So even though I hate to be lonely
I don't really mind being alone
Prefer it, actually, most of the time

In person I'm small
And a bit quiet 'till you know me
Won't talk till you show interest
Then talk your ear off in excitement

I do tend to ramble
This shows in my poetry sometimes
Mostly because I don't have chance to practice
Normal conversing behavior

I talk too fast, and too much about myself
I'm a bit annoying, to be honest
And I'm pretty absent-minded
Forgetting to eat or go to bed on occasion

In person I'm sarcastic
A bit sassy too
But I'm always scared I'll hurt someone
And at the slightest confrontation I clam up

I favor silence, and solitude
As (unhealthy) coping mechanisms
Because I hate bothering people
And will withdraw if I think I'm being irritating

In person I'm shy and solitary
In person I'm too needy and excitable
In person I'm a bit naive and lonesome
In person I'd rather die than hurt anyone

So you know my poetry—
A bit sad and fierce
With a few encouraging works thrown in—
But you haven't met me in person

h.f.m.
 May 28 lexi
Mike Hauser
i lost yesterday

and there's no way to get it back

i let it slip out of my hands

before i even had a chance

to learn from my past mistakes

that i could have corrected yesterday

now it's to late to have my say

when...

i lost yesterday
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