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Randy Johnson Mar 2019
Your wife isn't carrying your baby, she's carrying mine.
She wanted me to marry her but I had to decline.
She didn't want tongues to wag about her being an ***** mother.
She was afraid of people's reactions, that's why she married you after becoming your lover.
She pushed her mother down the stairs because she's very mean.
She posted naked pictures of me on Facebook, she's also obscene.
I'd had enough of her cruel behavior and I decided to dump her then and there.
When I learned she told you that you're the father, I had to tell you because it's unfair.
I can't let her do this to you, I can't and won't keep quiet.
You may not believe me and you may even want to fight.
When the baby is born, I'll tell you what you must do and it will be for the best.
You can prove that she's pulling the wool over your eyes with a DNA test.
I will gladly give her money for child support because it's my baby.
And when I tell you that you must have your marriage annulled, I don't mean maybe.
Randy Johnson Jan 2016
You think you're not good enough for a girl because she's popular and you're not.
She thinks she's too good for you so she belittles you and it sure hurts you a lot.
She thinks she's too good for you because she considers you to be a nerd.
But you are good enough and when you say you're not, it's absolutely absurd.
You're a great person, you volunteer at a homeless shelter and donate to charities.
She knows about this but she still thinks she's too good when she should be pleased.
Please listen to what I have to say because it's true.
You should find another girl who will appreciate you.
Randy Johnson Mar 2022
Nine years ago today, you ceased to be a member of the human race.
You died from an abdominal aneurysm and you went to a better place.
You're in Heaven and life up there is a nonstop party every day.
You're in a better place and you went there nine years ago today.
Time does heal wounds but a loved one's death will always leave a scar.
But I'm happy that you're living the good life in Heaven, I know how lucky you are.
When I learned that you were going to die, it was something that was hard to face.
But you're much better off because when your life ended, you went to a better place.
Dedicated to Agnes Marie Johnson (1948-2013) who passed away on March 6, 2013.
Randy Johnson May 2016
You are an atheist and you say that religion is a fraud.
You say that I'm full of crap because I believe in God.
You say that God is fake and that he didn't create the Human Race.
But when the Second Coming arrives, you will have egg on your face.
You say The Bible is a book that is full of fictional stories.
But when Jesus returns, you will see him in all of his glory.
You call me a fool because religion is something that I embrace.
But you will be the one who looks foolish, you will have egg on your face.
Randy Johnson Jan 2016
You're  only fifteen years old, you will not have ****** relations under my roof.
You think you can do what you want but you can't and I'll give you the proof.
If you have relations with your boyfriend in my house, I'll send him to jail.
You won't even be able to kiss your boyfriend when he's locked in a cell.
You say that because this is the twenty-first century, you demand ****** privacy.
I'll ground  you for a month if you don't shut up, you don't want to mess with me.
If you have relations with him under my roof, I'll call the cops.
If I catch the two of you having relations in my house, it's something I'll stop.
This is a fictional poem but if I had a teenage daughter or son, it would be fact.
Randy Johnson Oct 2019
When I say Zombies ate my neighbors, I'm not talking about a video game.
Zombies ate my neighbors and I'm one of the Zombies who is to blame.
Because my family and I are undead, it put us in very bad moods.
My family and I croaked because our neighbors poisoned our food.
A big corporation was going to pay top dollar for every house on the block.
But when my family and I refused to sell, the neighbors were angry and shocked.
I wouldn't sell the house that I've lived in since I was five.
And that is why my wife and kids and I did not survive.
Our neighbors had a barbecue and my family and I ate the food that they grilled.
But we wouldn't have touched the food if we had known that we would be killed.
My family and I have risen from the grave, we have green skin and are zombies.
When our neighbors saw us, they ****** their pants and cried for their mommies.
Our neighbors killed us because money was something they thought they'd gain.
When we had our homicidal neighbors for supper, we started with their brains.
Our greedy neighbors killed us and we returned the favor.
Stay away from my family and I because human flesh is what we savor.

— The End —