I am trying to love myself but I hate trying to love myself cause I hate myself.

Playing a song on repeat
The same thing
Over and over
You play on repeat
Nasty words
Hard punches
Over and over
I'm done I can't do this anymore
You're stuck on repeat

I hate being unsure
I hate not knowing what I should be doing
I hate living life just slipping by
I don't know why I need medicine
I think that life hurts and we numb it
life is not supposed to be easy
life is not supposed to be a merry go round
life is supposed to be messy and tricky and hard
Driving until I escape everything is honestly what I feel like doing
I feel like hiding until someone cares enough to find me
I also feel like I am supposed to be dancing
I am supposed to be trying harder
I don't know what I need to do
But I am going to keep going
Maybe I ******* up this year
Maybe life is not supposed to be like this
I am rethinking life in general
I need to stop playing it safe.

Sitting at the edge of a cliff
feet dangling in the empty air
seconds away from falling
from jumping
from slipping
aren't we all just seconds away from disappearing
all it takes is one second
one gunshot
one car
one slip
and we could be gone
life is so delicate
all the people fighting screaming yelling
over nothing
because one day none of this will matter
the only thing that matters is that we lived and loved
and right now I feel like I should jump
but I won't
I can't
because
I have a mother and a father who love me very much and I simply can't break their hearts
so the days when I feel like giving up
when I feel like breaking
when I feel like puking and cutting and drowning
I need to remember that one day it will all be worth it
there is going to be a tomorrow
I sometimes forget that there is a tomorrow
find the last sliver of happiness in your soul
walk away from the edge
sometimes the best thing to do is absolutely nothing
I am learning that life is not about dying
we aren't born to die, we are born to try.
don't jump.

I am going insane
I am drowning in myself
I am drowning in this car
Watching the water run down the windows
Tears run down my cheeks
I fit right in
Pretty rainbow wax mixing into a blob
It's like my head
It started out pretty but now it's mixed
Two deaths one week
They took their lives
Two deaths one week
Why do I want to be a third
I don't really
My head is just mixed
I need to get out of this car wash
I need to get out of my brain.

Isn't it funny how you can fall in and out of love with someone so fast?
Isn't it funny how one smile can make your day
Isn't it funny how fast you can change your mind
One minute your okay
the next you aren't the same person
like there is a switch in your head
I can see it flip
and that is when you scare me
I love you so much
I don't think I can do it anymore
I don't have a choice
I am trying to fall out of love with you
except have you ever tried falling out of a trench?
cause you can't.
I will just sit here and take it
cause what choice do I have..
Isn't it funny how you can hurt me so much
but I can still love you.

Hey there
guess what
you are going to make it
keep moving forward
keep pushing through
if you were getting chased by a bear you wouldn't stop
even if you were tired
you would keep going
so even though I know its hard
even though it *****
even though it feels like everything is wrong
I know that it is going to  be okay eventually
it is okay to be sad
it is okay to feel lonely
it is okay to cry
but don't unpack and live there
there are so many lovely things in this world
I would hate for you to miss all of it
so take a second
look outside
take a few deep breaths
and just be grateful that we have what we have
even though life may **** sometimes
it is all going to be alright
keep fighting.