I will never be free
So long as i live
I will always be under the sway of this heavy hard hand
This part of me must die
I can’t go on like this
I wish it would die

I don’t know why you keep doing this to me
It’s like you get a thrill out of it
I am not your toy doll
You cannot discard me when I no longer interest you
You cannot keep my locked away in a dark closet
I want to see the world,
I deserve to see the world
I can’t go on like this

I am alone in this world
I fear i always will be
I have to make my peace with God, now
That is all I have left
I am in a constant losing battle
With myself, with life
Perhaps I deserve it all.

Hope and I are not friends
Hope breaks my heart everyday
My darling Hope
So bright, so lovely
We could never get along
Hope is a liar.

Fear,
Fear is reliable
Fear understands
Knows and sees
Fear is my warning
Tells me that the bad things
The bad things will stay bad
Fear does not sugar coat
I wish I could always listen to Fear

But my darling Hope
Ever so persistent
Waiting, wishing
Breaking the both of us at the same time.

i wish i could just live for myself
and nobody else
i wish i didn’t have to love you


***

to want is a human emotion
want is prevalent
yet with want comes guilt
why?

**


Connect through the disconnection,
What else is there left to say?
What lies ahead is imperfection
Don’t tell me I’ve doomed the day.

***

I am stuck
Perpetually in one place
I am unmoving
Through time, space and aspirations
I have not changed, I have not been allowed that luxury
Nor do I think I will ever change
This has been forced upon me
This burden is unceasing
All I have left are my dreams
And my poetry.

Am I writing this to procrastinate,
Or perhaps I am finally finding time to ruminate?
Perhaps a bit of both.
Maybe I am simply just doing a finger warm up.
I don’t really want to tackle this essay,
nobody ever does—
but what’s the other option?
Ponder, weigh, assess;
Speculate all the decisions I’ve made in my life
All the missed opportunities.
Missed people. Missed memories.
Missed apologies? Mistakes?
I am just writing this to procrastinate.

Found family
When will I find a family?
Those pretty families in books
Where they all settle around the table
Laugh and make jokes
Everyone is so perfect for one another
Why do I have to settle for this?
Why am I stuck with what I was given?
What I was born into?
How is it fair?