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I am not who you say I am,

I do not fit in boxes,
Except the ones,
I made for myself.

I am not for you to label:
"Fragile" or "Handle with care",
I'll tell you:
"This way up" and "Do not crush".

I will not conform to stereotypes,
Or another one's ideals,
Just to keep them happy,
At my expense.

I am not an anomaly,
A statistic or a test subject,
I do not need examining,
Or curing,
Or filling with drugs.

I will not judge,
On appearance,
And neither should you.

I am not who you say I am,
I am who I say I am,
And I will tell you in my own time.
Singing along,
As I have done so many times,
But today I forget,
To agree with the lyrics,
And find myself,
Lost,
Lost in the music,
Instead of words,
Singing to the tune of another's song,
The words of a poem,
Infused with melody,
And dancing through my mind,
In spontaneous truth,
And then,
Lost,
Lost from my memory,
Gone as quickly as conceived,
And try as I might,
Cannot be recovered onto paper,
Lost.
Don't write themselves,
But I'm not going to write them for you.
Poetry is song
to the music of the mind,
to the drumbeat of the heart
and lungs.

Set firm and fast at first,
but lilting away
into distant dreaming descants,
infused with tears
and laughter of angels,
who do not know what they say,
or what it will mean.

Or chaotic
messes brought
Together
by
Lines and spaces
and pencil traces
In night coloured
leather-bound books
But not bound
to the page for longer than
a moment.

Poetry is song,
Played a thousand ways.
And here I find myself again
In early hours of morning dew,
Drizzle, showers, spats of rain,
An unsteady beat to match my strides
And could the mist replace the hours lost?
Hours spent with no purpose
But for avoiding dreams

Yes here my heart finds comfort, peace
Amidst the overgrown and dying
Besides the flowing of a manmade stream
I see beauty in the leaves
Not perfect no but intricate
Refined
Each put in place for some purpose
To stimulate the mind

And like some pointless explorer I make my way between undergrowth
Twisting and stretching away from nettles
But caring little if I'm stung
Each tree I recognise as a friend
And logs as fallen graves
Each bird sings of a new day
And a new song
And the hope
Such hope
Remains.
The beats pound through my head,
The words mean nothing,
But silence hurts,
So it keeps thumping through my head,
Filling the emptiness,
With empty words,
And shallow meanings,
To remind me,
I can do better.
I do not have an empty mind,
It's just filled with pointless things:

Beauty, music, the smell of the air,
The shades of blossom and grass,
Romantic feelings, laughter and smiles,
The sound the birds make in spring,
Flowers and words to describe them,
Hope, ambition, inspiration,
The way sunlight glints on leaves,
How I feel, how I wish I felt,
What I want to do with my life,
Who I am.

Pointless.
Okay
Listen to me now:
This is my political address
But I'm gonna talk to you now
Like you're all my friends
Because if we're gonna make it through this
We're gonna have to look out for each other in the end.

First thing's first,
let's set the record straight
It doesn't make a bit of difference
if you're straight or gay
And it really doesn't matter
from which country you originate.

And whichever god you pray to,
It's not okay
to sexualise a body or normalise ****.

And if your love for your children
depends on who they love,
then you've got your parenting wrong.
Sometimes tears,
Are like walking through raindrops,
They hit you,
But they run off,
A few cling to you,
But not for long,
And you know that soon,
They'll dry.

But sometimes tears,
Are like walking through puddles,
That soak through your shoes,
Get your socks wet,
Keep your feet cold,
And won't go away,
Until you get inside,
And pull off your shoes,
And your socks,
And walk bare-footed,
Until they dry,
And you can face the storm,
Another time.
I look in the mirror
And draw what I see
Let my hand guide me
Let the graphite mark paper
Every line judged and precise
But yet emotion drives me
And spills into the sketch
Which forms slowly
And takes on life
Until finally
A self-portrait
That doesn't match
Anyone's expectations
Except mine.
I knew before,
I tried,
I'd hurt before,
I smiled.

I knew before,
I ran,
I'd hate the way,
I cry.

I knew before,
I fell,
I was losing,
My mind.

But I knew after,
All that,
I'd be grateful that,
I did.
You know well before,
You say anything at all,
It will make it worse
Settling spirits lose their fire
Drifting down from smoky skies
To tangle up in earthly hair
In closed eyes, in hums, in sighs, in air.

Far flung the thoughts of old;
Duty deserts them, passion sold -
Youth yearned for long ago
Now squandered, now lost, now caught, now go.

Pretty purpose fades to dust
Desire's deception burns with lust
Nurtured knowledge cast away
To try, to fail, to be replaced
With goals more worthy
Than empty success
To find, to wonder, to love, to bless.
Colour
Smiles
Together
All around
Surrounded
By love I never
Thought I'd find
By people who are
Somehow like me
People who get it
Eye contact is enough
To say:
"I'm with you"
"We're with you"
"You're with us"
You
How you are
On days like this
Perhaps we could do anything
Who could stop this love?
An unbelievable love
That shouldn't exist
But does anyway.
Over their shoulders,
Round their waist,
On their heads,
Painted faces,
Badges, flags, banners,
On display,
Unashamed,
And even in the air,
Resting on the breeze,
Confetti proclaims our song,
Our word,
Our anthem:
Love is love
Between the branches of a tree,
A single scrap of sky,
The pale blue is waning,
Lost to the night's tide.
And buried far beneath,
An eternity of existence
Stretching out the colours,
And fading into distance.
So far now,
Yet held close,
By mind, not matter.
I was nothing
My emotions projections
Of what I thought I should be
My heart beating for nothing
But circulation
As anxieties ran around my brain

I was a shell
Pretending to be normal
Imitating feelings I'd never known
Locked in a life I never lived
Broken but convincing myself
Nothing was wrong

I was confused
Knowing I was 'different'
But not sure why
And searching for fickle painkillers
That never dulled the pressure
In my mind

I was lost

Now I'm finding myself
Hell, or something close to it,
Or worse;
For they would have longed for the warmth of fire -
To feel more than the sodden stink of their boots
And the thunder of Howitzers in their bones.
But they knew the victory was coming.

Eight days, that would be enough.
Letting death fall
In the half-silence of creeping gas
And the unrelenting barrage of mortar fire
Raining like demonic hail upon the enemy.
They knew that victory was coming.

So they walked, that's all it would take -
A stroll to be heroes.
But all the waiting, enduring, lasting out
To climb up onto the crater-filled sludge,
Mown down in thousands,
And only then did they realise:
Victory was so much further away.
For the 100th anniversary of the start of the Battle of the Somme
It's strange how bright the darkness shines,
Without logic, or care or sense.
Only laughter remains for us,
And sweet crazy grins,
And skipping for no real reason but,
We can.

It's odd how conversations stream,
From awkward to flowing to too long,
But always they lead to,
Hurting ribs from,
Gold-hazed moments,
Of simple bliss.

It's weird how things end up,
Always the same but never the same,
Journey getting there,
Always a goodbye, departure,
No matter how hard to leave,
Separate again,
We always must,
Until next time.
Honest lyrics work
Much better than shallow lies
Put to melody
It seems like the world these days is trying to tear itself apart
There are missiles on all the borders and bombs in our backyards.
The rich keep getting richer while the poor are falling out
And the fact
that fact
is fact
is under doubt.

The generation I grew up in was taught not to hate,
To give and receive in exactly the same way,
But it seems like those above us were sick on that day
And forgot
to let
their morals
come to play.

I don't need anybody to remind me that we're doomed
I know we're in the twilight phase
Between golden days
and gloom
All my future plans aren't seeming that important anymore
Because we're running,
tripping,
falling,
Towards war.
They speak of strong and stable
From upon the piles of bodies
Single parents, students, disabled,
All crushed beneath their buddies
Sitting comfortably at tables
Ignoring statisticians and studies
Eating enough to feed the poor for weeks.

They "help" the Just About Managing
While managing the damaging
Of every socioeconomic security
"For the good of the country" - false purity
All hints of injustice swept quickly aside
With an aside, a joke, to hide the domocide
Avert the eyes, from the resounding bell toll
As the death toll climbs, losing control

There is no war here, no battle, no fight,
Only poverty and hunger - the trophies of the right.
The skies grow dark,
Clouds gathering,
Obscuring the sun in an instant.
The last stand,
One final protest,
As defences break,
Screams,
Pain,
Blood,
Death,
Fills my head,
And all becomes clear,
Di Ffrin, Di Sstrek,
Is my reality,
A sweet melody,
Unsettling,
But sweet,
Oh yes!
It consumes me,
The light leaves,
All becomes dark,
And all makes perfect sense,
They could not help me,
There was no way they could,
But now I have it,
What I need,
The realisation,
In the darkness,
The Purity of Lies.
Poem adaptation of my unfinished book 'Purity of Lies'
Before the sun can sleep
It sets the world on fire
It fills the sky with flames
And turns the trees to smoke
It watches the horizon burn
As it falls from reality
And lets the night put out its flames
Divided opinion,
Conflicting beliefs,
Destroying solidarity,
Heart against head,
Trust against paranoia,
Love against rational thought,
The two factions grow apart,
No longer able to function as one,
In bitter hatred,
They turn against sense,
Then within their own ranks,
Both sides host rebellions,
A second divide,
And now four sub-cultures,
Live within one body,
The heart,
Split between love and fear,
The head,
Split between order and chaos,
But in the end,
Their ideals are the same,
Having all experienced the horror of war,
And the glory of peace,
It would only take the briefest moment,
Of simple reason,
To unite this quaternity,
Into one.
Lord you are the queen of my heart,
I am your daughter,
Invited into your royal house,
A place I don't deserve,
And invited to share my place
To share a wondrous gift
Allow those I love to be loved
More than I could ever love them
Alone
Am I here or there?
Asleep or aware?
Living or dead?
Heart or head?

Am I lost or found?
Swimming or drowned?
Broken or fixed?
Certain or mixed?

Who am I?
And why do I need to know?
Which way to glory?
Which way to despair?
How far to reach the future?
How hard the journey there?
Is death behind the next turn?
Or light beyond compare?
Can I find forgiveness?
Will my heart be spared?
When will I accept the truth?
That life is, in fact, unfair?
Where will that life lead me?
And will anybody care?
Which way will keep me safe?
Which way will steal my air?
Can I find the answers?
To these questions I have shared?
Or will I be forced to keep on asking?
Until my heart lies bare?
So many options hurtle through my mind
Latching themselves to logic for no more than pit stops
Ideas dive through chicanes
And screech around hairpins
And always returning to the same place:
Panic.

As each passes I try to leap aboard
To cling on to speeding concepts
But I am either knocked to the ground
Or flung to the side
And crumple into a rag-doll of
Confusion.

But lying here, wrecked, I lose sight of the race
For a while, the sky, the grass, the air all stand still,
My vision returns, filled now with clarity
Colours contrast and no longer fade
And simply, in the midst of my mistake:
Peace.
Chance,
Our lives are filled with decision after decision,
Each one dependent on the last,
We are tied by unforgiving steel to each choice we made,
Each subtle twist and vibration throws our minds into a crazy dance,
With echoes of each previous step repeated in every movement,
But occasionally,
Our dances bring two into hold,
Whether for a brief moment or entangled for decades,
And when supported by one another,
The ropes of the past slacken,
Allowing them to move freely,
Yet they still follow a dance,
But with much greater grace and precision than was ever found alone,

Luck,
When chance leads to fortune we call it luck,
But fortune has many faces,
We luckily win in a random game,
Or luckily survive certain death,
Some seem to be blessed with luck,
It lives in their shadows,
Underlining all that they do,
The brighter their life gets, the more it helps them,
But for others luck is precious,
So rare that they even fear it,
But when they find it hidden within the dark rock of misfortune,
Its beauty outshines the labour they despised,
And the perfect contrast lets it shine.

Fate,
We fear the concept of fate,
The idea that our destiny is fixed,
Nothing we do can change how our lives will turn out,
The belief that the chains of our past extend to our future,
Rendering our limbs fixed by the tension,
Ripping us apart, testing our strength,
Destroying those who built a reliance on their past,
Time always moves on,
Of course, fate can be kind,
Leading us in the right direction,
To where we want to be,
To a random meeting,
Or a happier time.

Whether it was chance, luck or fate,
I don't know,
But for two so far apart to find such joy in being together,
Is a miracle in my eyes.


*Happy Valentine's Day
I am afraid.
I see no sense denying,
For ignoring weakness makes me no stronger,
Instead I embrace it,
I know I am afraid,
But fear has a purpose,
It protects me and keeps me reasonable,
Keeps me rational,
Fear fueled my escape from pain,
And fear teaches me to avoid it again,
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
Yes, fear is love,
The kind of love that keeps its children from harm,
I am afraid,
But I am better for it.
I need a hand to touch me
To shatter all my bones
And show me I’m still living
Fragile, frigid, locked in stone
All I was or what I was meant to be
Was petrified into irrelevancy.

I need a chisel to strike
And change my fate
And open up my soul
To let out the mistakes
I need someone stronger to open my eyes
Only then can I start to rewind

I need the cracks to form
Around my body’s edges
Then I’ll be free
To tackle my own ledges
Make choice for myself and me alone
I wanna be more than a standing stone.

And I’m ready now to break myself in
And I’m steady now to stretch my new skin
Still I’m blacking out, the air’s growing thin
But I’m just ready to be broken.
A suggestion of a flutter in the frail fibres of a feather,
Hanging from a whispered web of thread,
Is it breeze that disturbs the stillness?
Or perhaps the breath is that of a fantasty,
Ambitions painted on some hazy eyes,
Or songs woven in slumber,
Catching in the curves of a charm,
Gently nudging their way into reality,
For long enough to start the softest of ripples,
In a handmade dreamcatcher.
It seems we are all searching,
I have realised now, the heart demands love,
I had begun to think all my yearning,
Would never find the right person for me,
Yet a light, concealed at first, led my soul,
And at last, I can clearly see the path.

It seems we all need a path,
To bring reason to our endless searching,
Ev'ry breath and ev'ry step takes my soul,
Closer to the one who I know I love,
All I ask is that you would accept me,
And put an end to this constant yearning.

Ev'ry day that I'm yearning,
I keep losing sight of the only path,
I know that you've already rescued me,
But for some reason I still kept searching,
No! You're the only one I'll ever love,
For your perfect words have captured my soul.

I have but a single soul,
And for you it has always been yearning,
So take it's from me, take it all, my love,
And may it help guide you along your path,
Now that I've found you, I can stop searching,
All I can do now is pray you'll keep me.

Things always looked bleak for me,
Until you came and inspired my soul,
With brief hesitance, halted my searching,
Now realised,  you satisfy my yearning,
I'm sorry for making harder the path,
That caused us both to fall in blissful love.

After so long I've found love,
But had it not with such great force hit me,
Perhaps I would still be on the wrong path,
In truth I've no choice but to trust my soul,
But I would still choose to end this yearning,
I'd always find you through all my searching.

Perfect love has taken my soul,
Shown me a way out of this yearning,
On this path, there's no more searching.
Just you and me forever
Back to reality,
One show over, another months away,
Refocus efforts, catch up those things we
brushed aside in our haste and worry.

Back to normal,
Though the memories remain strong,
Around me the stage-lights have faded,
Time to return to monotony.

Back to fear,
That spark in my nerves growing now,
That shudder in my shoulders as it nears,
Embark, escape, evade? Lose touch?
Watch again the frames I know,
That take me back an age,
And still every word strikes a familiar bell,
And through its tone I recall
A time when i was different;
When i meant You over me.
A time when i would keep hidden
my thoughts and my fears and my words.
Back then i was not worthy
Of the thoughts in my own head,
Back then i wished i could stop me,
But i was stronger than the me i knew.
So as I sit here watching the same old movie,
Imagining how i would have felt,
I realise that that nostalgic feeling,
Is not just 'remember'
But how i became Me.
I wonder if they remember, amongst the streams of faces,
The ones that return again.
Do they do their job alone or accompany themselves
With the stories of those they serve
Perhaps they see the bad days and smile a little more
To take the edge off the pain
Do they see it turn around, the new starts and hopes of each
Or maybe they don't notice that another set of eyes, another order has with it, a life.
Smiles spread across faces
Like the tinsel on the tree that
Decorates and reflects beauty
All around, we can see past the
Hatred discarded like the wrappings
On gifts, carefully prepared
But torn aside to make way for
Kindness that lies beneath our
Hardened eyes, made cold not by
Winter, but something greater
That will not fade after these months of
Festivities and cheer that feel so strong
And wipe away our tears so easily,
Underneath our laughs like presents
Below the tree are undertones of
An unstoppable, unquenchable desire
TO BE LOVED
MERRY CHRISTMAS (sorry this is late)
If looks could ****,
Mirrors would be deadly.
Wrapped around my wrist,
A trap, a catch,
The colour (black) defines me,
And with that pigment,
Justified hatred poured out,
Absolute disgust at my disagreement
with their designation of who I must be.

Each blow to my chest flattens the skin,
Beats me closer to submission,
Crushes my every chance at hope,
The cracked screen offers no escape,
Only the pain and punches offer
"Truth."

The vicious hunger in his eyes
Tells me I'm as good as dead,
And worse to him.
I am nothing but a sickness.
I miss you,
Though you haven't left,
At least not yet,
But you're not all here.

I need you,
But I act like I don't,
I hurt you,
I pushed you too far.

I love you,
Though that's not fair,
I'm much less,
You deserve so much more.

I care about you,
But don't get too close,
I'm sorry,
The people near me get hurt.
Learning for so long,
Becoming mechanical,
But the rhythm dies.
You told me to *******,
So I did,
And I'm not coming back,
Friends who won't stand by me,
Are not worth having anyway,
So I'll go back to what I know,
Living life on my own,
No friends,
No chains,
No duty,
No obligations,
Just hopeless,
Lonesome wandering,
With no goal,
No support,
And no happiness.
And contact,
Eight months on,
Back to the way we used to be,
Talking,
Laughing,
Teasing,
Again,
Just like before,
And I found myself,
Looking for a little too long,
Into those eyes that entranced me for years,
Do I still?
No.
She cut me off,
She hurt me,
Tore my world apart,
And yet,
Saved me,
And how I longed to return,
To before,
Until,
I found another,
Lost another,
And forgot to look back,
But maybe,
It would be nice,
To just get back,
To being,
Friends.
Thanks for speaking to me again :) It's been a while.
An eye of ocean,
Sapphires float around its gently pulsing centre,
The ebony darkness breathes,
And what seemed a simple shade,
Becomes a plethora of distinct hues,
Defined in hinted flecks,
Beneath a glistening,
A shimmering,
Of flowing glass,
Calm now,
Slowly,
Carefully,
With a hint of uncertainty,
Floating sapphires around an ebony darkness,
Are blocked from view,
And with a steady sigh,
Released into sleep.
Perhaps I have found
A better place to start from,
Or nothing will change
I am an author, except
My plotlines are mostly inept,
I have lots of sparks,
But no story arcs,
So poetry's where they are kept.
Lungs bypassing air
Heart forgetting how to beat
Brain losing control
Remember. remember,
The fifth of November,
Gunpowder, treason and plot.

But forget we will,
For worse days still,
Overshadow the whole ****** lot.

In these modern days,
Though we're miles away,
From those old times we almost forgot.

Still hangings and lashings,
Democracies crashing,
And freedom just left there to rot.
Hear the same song, and feel it all again,
All the lumps in your throat,
And the tightening string around your heart,
Straining to keep it together,
The coarse twine scratching at your veins,
Binding the arteries that tried to burst.

Remember that line? When your fingers left mine,
So suddenly alone,
The bitter air taking taking your place,
Wrapping around my thumb,
Then dripping through my lungs,
Freezing the final words.

And if only you'd have stayed, what I tried to tell you,
Then you'd know,
All I needed was that promise we made,
To be kept to the end,
But friends before lovers never works out,
For better? No, always worse.
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