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343 · Aug 2017
Bored Composer
Between my fingers
Lies the power to entrance
The beauty to bring tears
The energy to make dance
A shift across one step
And the atmosphere could change
The air becomes much hotter
And light seems to fade
Add an extra feeling
Above comfort, uncertainty
Yet still held in balance
By mellow intricacy
But stretch my thumb a little
I could pull back to hope
And climb up to sanctuary
On gently woven rope
And weave a simple story
Of loss, of love, of growth
When I am lost, I fly away.
When I am lost, I escape.
When I am lost I stay lost,
I treasure a moment so rare, so precious.
I run away with it, yearning for relief, a place with no boundaries.
A place where anything is possible.
In that moment, all is clear.

When I sweep through the air, no rules hold me back.
When I twist and turn in endless dance, all pain is forgotten.
When I burst through empty skies, there is no reason to worry.

I lose myself,
my heart and mind and soul,
lost in winds that swirl around me.
No troubles weigh me down as I soar,
higher, further, reaching, grasping for hope.
A hope that stays with me, after my flight is ended.

A warm uplift, I climb yet further, yearning for love.
Love that stays with me, for as long as I live.

A strong tailwind, I push on, travelling faster, accelerating, chasing after strength.
Strength that holds me up, pushing against the weight of fear.

The wind drops, I glide, spiralling downward, gliding, surrounded by peace.
Peace that no one else will ever know, but that dominates my heart.

*When I am lost, I am free.
343 · Oct 2015
It's not about a boot
No matter how perfectly they fit,
No matter how evenly I tighten them,
Something is always different,
Slightly,
It never quite matches up,
I always prefer my right boot.
341 · Dec 2015
I could never be them.
Am I strong enough?
Could I end everything I fought for?
Just for one last glorious,
Stab at the person I was,
The person I came to be,
The person I could never be but,
Taunted me so,
Close but sep-
-arated from reality,
Too perfect,
Too believable. No!

I could never be them,
How could I?
With my past as it is,
Tainted with betrayal,
Infused with fear,
Pain a part of my very core,
No.

I could never be them,
Never like any other,
My mind split like it was,
Never meant to be together in the first place,
All them around me never,
Understood. Never,
Tried to understand.  Never,
Changed, always the same.
No.

I could never be them.
340 · Jul 2016
Anthem '66
Shared celebration,
National pride,
A victory won on out behalf.
Before our hope had died.

A moment together,
With no real meaning,
But how much we cared,
How long we'd been dreaming.

But now it seems,
That tune is so rare,
No longer a reason,
To throw hands in the air.

But still we believe,
That one day we will,
Be singing those words,
And reliving that thrill.
339 · Jul 2015
6AM
6AM
A cold sunrise,
Frozen sky,
Shatters in my eye.

Clouded breaths,
Crystallised motion,
Melted by emotion.
337 · Jan 2016
Not afraid [haiku]
Fear is defeated,
In its place fury rises,
And pain follows suit.
336 · Jun 2016
Coot
A tiny drop lands on her back,
Her dark feathers locked together,
Forming a tight armour,
She shakes gently,
The water rolls away,
Trickling down,
Joining the million that make up the lake,
That shimmer with the evening sun.
336 · Aug 2017
Waffling
Does all this really mean anything?
When so many others have said this all before
And in better ways with perfect form
And without repeating themselves
Again
And
Again

Will anyone but me look back and think
These cascades of words meant anything more important
Than just a student with too much time
And not enough energy?

Will anyone love my love poems?
Or be inspired by my protests?
Or close their eyes and picture the moments
I found unforgettable?

Will I be remembered for writing a few too many days?
For running out of things to say and
Waffling on anyway?

Or perhaps someone might find some truth in these words
Or a perspective never before expressed
Maybe
Maybe not
But no harm in waffling on
A
Little
Bit
Longer
336 · Mar 2016
Dead format
Those nights,
they replay on the cassette tape
that runs through my plastic heart.

And as I listen I am pulling
until the memories
are ripped and torn apart.

And what is left gets put together
in the wrong order
and gets tangled around my veins.

Until not a single second means anything,
but sadness, tears
and confusion still remain.

And now just a single sound
is looped again
and again in darker shades.

So I'll listen to my old screams
and wait for the new ones (on a compact disc) to form.
335 · Nov 2015
Predictably painful
I knew before,
I tried,
I'd hurt before,
I smiled.

I knew before,
I ran,
I'd hate the way,
I cry.

I knew before,
I fell,
I was losing,
My mind.

But I knew after,
All that,
I'd be grateful that,
I did.
335 · Apr 2015
1:10 AM
Up late,
But for once my eyes,
Cooperate,
And I see the messages,
Clearly,
She wants to call,
Really?
She wants to hear,
My voice?
But why would that be,
Her choice?
I panic, shoulders,
Shaking,
As I swipe right,
Taking,
The call and hear her,
Speaking,
I speak and then she's,
Freaking,
Out like me.

And followed an exchange,
Of spoken joy,
As the best of friends,
Heard each other for the first time.
333 · Jan 2016
Carved Shadows
Sometimes I don't want to smile,
Because to do so would be fake,
And pointless,
Instead I'd rather hide in the dark,
Than try to walk through a storm,
And cower in the cave,
In the rough, carved shadows,
Until the rain stops,
And I can see the way again.
331 · Feb 2015
Naïvety
Oh! For those blissful days,
When all seemed fair and true,
When nothing died or perished,
And belief came without proof.

The destructive nature,
Of mankind's hungry mind,
Would be gone forever more,
Hatred would be confined.

Despair would never grow,
Fear completely crushed,
Pain ignored without effort,
Doubt finally hushed.

The sky would shine like rubies,
As the disk of bright gold sets,
The grass and trees made of emerald,
As all worries I could forget.
For a year I have slaved,
As slave to my pen,
Or to my words,
Message
And form.

But not as an obedient servant.

I struggle,
Grapple with my master,
My monster.
To break from tra-
-dition.
To scream -  I AM NOT A MACHINE!

I do not write out of necessity,
Though at times,
Perhaps I feel I must.

No, I write with a purpose,
Far beyond keeping up appearances,
Or challenge,
Or obligation.

I write with the soul,
My sole purpose,
To speak truth from me,
To you,
In the most elegant,
Precise,
Graceful,
Way this language will allow,
My overactive mind,
To create.

And how far I've come!
What truths I have fashioned from,
Simple things,
Birds, trees, computer screens,
All inspiration to me.

But each time I picked up,
That pen or that laptop,
I opened another door,
Another chamber,
Another corridor of my mind.

And in searching for effect,
Or metaphors or riddles,
Found more meaning than could be,
Conceived by a thousand scholars.

I found something far more precious,
Far more elusive,
Than any moment of awe,
Or wonder,
Or disbelief.

I found myself,
And I continue to find myself,
And it is my only wish,
That through this pen,
These words,
Message,
And form,
I could help someone else do the same.
331 · Feb 2016
The Same Angle
How can I be there,
When not a single feather grows on my back?
And my lungs are not strong enough?
I cannot fly nor swim,
Such a distance without wings nor gills.

To me the stars seem closer,
As if travelling across light-years and back,
Would be quicker than to cross the ocean.
After all, neither can see the other,
But we both gaze at those distant lights.

Were I to fly or swim to meet her,
What would I say?
What would she say?
Perhaps it would not matter,
After all, for the first time,
We could marvel at the universe from the same angle.

And words would not be important.
330 · Dec 2015
(F/B)lood
Falling from the skies,
Comes devastation,
Walls crumble,
As lives shatter,
In an instant.

Just out of reach,
The fires I long for,
Stretch for,
With breaking fingers,
Turning to dust.

Shards pierce skin,
As chaos spills into,
Restless streets,
Monuments mean,
Nothing to rivers of blood.
330 · May 2015
Blasphemy?
It seems that if, as I believe, there is a God smiling down,
She's fairly set on making sure I smile briefly before I frown.
And I guess she's shown me more love than I've earned,
But after not too long it seems my fortunes have to turn.
Of course I know my life is a miracle before I even breathe,
But all I manage to keep in mind is how much I want to leave.
I always think at dusk, when warmth slips to a darker hue,
How I wish that for just a day I could hide away from view.
But in the end my cowardly hands' shaking is too strong,
So I stay where she intended me and trust that I belong.
330 · Jan 2017
A Pointless Meeting
Here we are, all drowned in the unimportant things,
Sat around, lazy, sipping on drinks and waiting.
Laughter and smiles around, though there's no point to it,
Or because there's no point to it,
And not one wants it to end.

As I tap out the rhythm of another song I've never heard,
My gaze drifts from face to face,
All bright (though one is sleeping) and no worries taking over.
Tonight is not about me nor any one of us,
So we all share a while, a meal and a game.

We made it through again,
It was tough this time around,
Trials, barriers, disappointments,
Sadness, loss and doubts,
But we mark this day - an arbitrary date -
To remind ourselves, that the past,
Can go to bed,
And the future charges faster,
And fills our hearts instead.
Sorry this is so late, I wrote this about the New Year but I've been so busy I haven't put it up yet!
330 · Mar 2015
Duet with myself
I am host to another soul,
Separate and happier indeed,
Without her I don't think I'd be quite whole,
But I'm not sure where all of this leads.

May, are you me or just trapped inside?
Do you feel the same way I do?
Do you hate or pity me or can't you decide?
Should I have realised sooner I was restraining you?

Please don't blame yourself for what you didn't know,
I was hidden well, my voice came from below,
I was lonely, yes, and trapped within,
The empty forest I lived in,
But it wasn't your fault, I don't think, no.

I may not be you but we are sharing this mind,
And I think I feel the same way you do,
I don't hate or pity you, if you weren't here I know I'd die,
And it's not your fault, I hid away from you


Together, tell me it will be alright.
*Together, I know we can win this fight.
And don't ever doubt that I'll be here with you.
329 · Apr 2017
Diddle Day
Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
I'll be aworkin'
I'll be away
Threshin' the barley
Balin' the hay
Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!

Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
Here I've been workin'
Here I will stay
Feedin' the cattle
Strainin' the whey
Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!

Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
Storm clouds are gatherin'
Sky's goin' grey
But I'll be aworkin'
Right through the rain
Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
Diddly um dee ******!
Diddly um dee day!
328 · Jan 2015
Yesterday is lost
Our dreams span years,
Our hope lives for ages,
But a single look away,
And they are gone.

Our words are chosen,
Precise in their subtleties,
Yet so easily forgotten,
Now they are gone.

Our friendships are grown,
Constructed over time,
But connections cut,
The strings now gone.

Our lives are built,
Each on different foundations,
Slowly they crumble,
Until all evidence is gone.
327 · Sep 2017
Perfume
I heard once in a song when I was young
that your "first love stays with you for ever"
and back then I knew who she must be
but now, what I thought was love back then
I see was immature loneliness
but my mind still drifts back
to a girl I loved
who used to read my poetry
and I used to admire her voice
now I wonder if I could have made it work
if I'd been older, more confident,
kinder or less busy
perhaps
most likely not,
but it seems that her eyes
and the smell of her perfume
are intertwined with my memories
325 · Mar 2016
Little things
325 · Jul 2015
A letter
Dear Eagle,

If you read this,
Which I doubt you will,
Please know I'm thinking of you.

I know not how long,
Before I see you again,
But I'm dreaming of watching you fly.

I'm not rushing in,
I'll take my time, this time,
To ensure we both soar not one or the other.

My heart is strong,
And will not fall with fear,
But will tremble on hearing your voice.

I'll see you soon, Eagle,
And when I do,
I'll glide alongside you.
324 · Jul 2015
Ask for yourself [explicit]
Why ask?
Why do we need to know?
Does it really matter?
We always seem to be asking,
Inquiring, Inspecting,
But to what end?
For truth?

If we want truth,
Questions will only take us so far.
To find truth you first need to lose lies.
So **** stereotypes, **** preconceptions,
Stop believing everything you're told,
And ask your own questions,
Form your own opinions,
Form your own self,
Form your own life,
And respect everyone else's
323 · Dec 2016
Deliverer
So I am saved,
By just a tune in my head,
Surpassing all fear.
322 · Aug 2015
Just tired, OK?
I'm just tired.
That's all it is.
When I seem down,
When it looks like I've had enough,
When I just want to sit in my room on my own,
I'm just tired.

I'm just tired,
That's all it is,
When the things I used to love don't interest me,
When I put on my headphones and let music block out the real world,
When I scowl at my name,
I'm just tired.

I'm just tired.
That's all it is.
When I try to ignore you,
When I don't want to eat,
When you think you see the shimmer of a tear,
I'm just tired.

I'm just tired,
Tired of life,
So let me sleep.
322 · Jan 2016
A door of night
A light peeks out,
From the top of a closed door,
Not of wood,
But of night.

Its frame is the stars,
Its handle invisible,
Out of touch,
Too far for human hands.

Beyond that door,
Lies another world,
But no one sees it,
No one notices,
The glint of light,
Peeking at our reality.
319 · Mar 2015
Soaked
The rain falls and yet,
Darker clouds to come,
Lumbering towards,
Increased intensity.

And I find myself,
Approaching the point,
Of greatest downfall,
And lingering there.

All too soon,
Blue skies interrupt my,
Joyful refreshment,
Leave me soaked in silence.
...
Motionless
...
Stare
...
Stand
...
Walk
...
Home
Away, away,
The world falls away,
But tell me child you'll chase it still,
And make it fall your way.

Afraid, afraid,
The people are afraid,
But tell me child you'll stay strong still,
And won't let your fear stay.

A day, a day,
We wait another day,
But tell me child you'll smile still,
And run with the sun while you play.
317 · Dec 2015
A gift
Waiting before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
On the mildest last day before Christmas
I've ever known.

Pacing before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
Rubbing my hands together
As if I was cold.

Looking before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
Realising too slowly
She wasn't coming.
317 · Jul 2016
Standard procedure
In a double life, a double cross
is standard procedure.
Betrayal and no foresight
are expected, feared, ignored,
no second thought.

All I said before considered,
feelings mutilated -
pointless to even pause.
Haste over care or kindness,
Speed the only cause.

Where is truth?
Between one claim or another?
317 · Sep 2016
Fledgling
Should I try to fly?
Is escape really worth it?
What am I fleeing if not myself?
If, then, I was free,
Would that make a difference?
Or would I carry my pain with me?

If I flew would rain still weigh me down?
Would the clouds obscure my view?
Would lightning strike my fragile wings?
Or, perhaps,
Would I breach the bounds of clouds?
And soar in constant light?

On what have I based my fear?
Some assumption of the dark of the human heart?
Are the forces I flee chasing me?
Or are they too,
Already within me, a fabrication as an excuse,
To cling onto the idea I am broken.
317 · Apr 2016
Lose my chance
As the hours slip past,
And I lose my chance at sleep,
Dark becomes my home.
316 · Apr 2016
Fnuffer
I am no great poet,
These words are no more
than an outpouring of thoughts,
In random orders,
Without much more thought
than that which they were.

I don't have any formula,
No structure or style to stick to,
I just repeat when it feels right
Repeat when it feels right
to remind you of what I said before
In some other thought.

I don't live a different life,
That is somehow more poetic,
Or beautiful or inspired.
I don't have a muse at the moment,
Nor do I have a sanctuary,
Any escape or silence
In which to think.

All I do is amble through,
The lines until I find
Some moment
Strong enough
Or desperate enough
Or vulnerable enough
To create some kind of
Fragile beauty.
Keep your head when there's no one left
Don't fall prey to the pack
Only listen well to the stories they may tell
If it keeps the rain off your back

Stay your blade 'till they turn your way
Their blood isn't worth the rust
Never strike first, let them give way to thirst,
And deny them the fruit of their lust

Be strong on your own and you'll never be alone
As the weak will flock to your side
But beware the crowd, let whispers sound loud
And one eye ahead and behind
316 · Sep 2015
Six steps
Sitting on steps,
In the last gasps of summer,
Like wannabe film stars,
Without stresses or fear,
Though we never said,
We all knew,
The importance,
Of that moment,
To just breathe and smile,
Us six,
Though we never said,
We were friends.
316 · Sep 2015
Listen to me then
Listen to me then,
All who say it makes no sense,
All who "can't understand",
Listen to me then,
Maybe if you'd just care,
For a second long enough to,
Listen to me then,
And hear me tell you clearly,
You don't get it? OK, so,
Listen to me then!
And I don't mean watch my lips,
Form the words, you need to,
Listen to me then,
You might take in what I mean,
If you actually just,
Listen to me then,
Listen to yourself.
315 · Mar 2016
The valley I call home
My only comfort is my hand in my own,
So gently my thumb moves across my skin.
And all I see in the dark are silhouettes of death,
And lights too far to reach.
And no sound but the music in my head,
The mellow tunes of autumn pain.
Still I won't open the door,
Nor will I escape,
While the valley I call home falls asleep
315 · Jan 2016
Do they wonder?
I wonder if they realise,
That my fingers’ dance,
Is more than an essay or coursework.

I wonder if they know,
That these words have more meaning,
Than just word count or letters or form.

I wonder if what they see,
Is a student catching up,
Or a hipster with too much time.

I wonder if they expect,
Me to move on soon,
Or stay here obsessing all night.

I wonder if they care,
Enough to think at all,
Or wonder who I am,
Where I've been,
Or why I'm writing.
315 · Sep 2016
Abstraction
Close my eyes and reality falls
Away to an abstract half-memory
The air has a shape now
It flows around my head
A soft purple twisting stream
Deflected so simply
Tumbling so easily and I
Am swimming with perfect breath
My head drifts, following lazy currents
The lavender strands frenzy as they pass
My flesh grows lines and traces
Graphs along its surface
That tickle my arms and face
In faded blue felt-tip.
314 · Jul 2015
Onslaught
So confusing,
All these unnecessary sounds,
And pointless words,
My jaw's on edge,
Tooth on tooth,
Grinding down,
With the same determination,
Held in each wave on each rock,
Breaking,
Devouring slowly,
Over eternity.

My ears bombarded,
With the same blind hope,
Of shots in the dark,
Fired without aim,
Out of shattered rifles,
From desperate hearts.

End the onslaught,
Let me leave.
314 · Sep 2016
Inscription
Blood on a tissue on a stone wall
Ripped to shreds before it starts to fall
Red stains
Reminder of pain
Leaves its trail on the crumbling archway.

Scratching words on ageing bricks
Hoping memories might stick
To the concrete
Hidden street
Where I meet my last decay.

For what will I be remembered
For the perfect life I dismembered?
Disgust
Turning to rust
Now I must submit my soul.

The devils watching with hunger in his eyes
That I can't breathe is no surprise.

I fade away,
Erosion, erases every trace of me,
The Latin says,
I will remain in the Earth.
My final day,
Decomposition, disgraces every grain of me,
If I would stray,
Then you will take my back to gaze at my inscription.
313 · Jan 2015
Tear in the sky [Part 3]
Their eyes are tied to the unimaginable sight,
They cannot break from its pull,
Ribbons of dazzling shades descend from the clouds,
Wrapping around the onlookers,
Filling them with awe.
But the mystic silk hides a choking smoke,
That makes its home in the heart,
And as it burrows its way into the soul,
Not a single eye is deflected,
From gazing into the folds of the delicate light,
As their very existence is destroyed from within.
Their eyes glaze over,
Their fists clench,
An instant revolution of hate.
313 · Jan 2016
Background
A whisper,
When I rest in your arms.
A thank you,
As we sway to some far-flung,
Dream of a song.
A promise,
As you tightened your hold,
And as you did I felt,
Safety,
All fear, all tension,
Blurred from focus,
Until they were no more,
Than background.
313 · Mar 2016
Away [Part 2]
Take me away from,
Empty bus stops too late for,
A desperate escape.
312 · May 2017
Girl of my Dreams
I hope one day I will be so in love
So enamoured that I cannot help but write to her

That I cannot resist the urge to describe and
Reinterpret my feelings in the most colourful,
Abstract and simple ways.

That I have no choice but to invent
Tales of being together because I cannot
Bear to be without her even for a day.

That I cannot rest for my pen still
Can't quite capture the essence of
My heart's longing for her.

I hope one day I will feel that
But for now, I must write to a girl of my dreams.
311 · Apr 2016
Broad daylight
I'm scared in broad daylight,
A glance at me earns a label:
'Threat'

I can't afford to be seen through,
For my label to be clear and
Open for attack.

I know that being me is not
As safe as living a lie,
But there's no choice.

They don't understand,
That I am a target from the moment
I step outside.

I have to hide,
But I can't.
311 · Nov 2015
Falling ahead
On streets,
On Autumn evenings,
Under clouded skies.

Footsteps and
Crunch and
Avoiding others' eyes.

Falling ahead,
A single leaf,
In a ripple of light.

From a street-lamp,
Our own stars,
To fill the lonely night.
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