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293 · Mar 2017
Four-Hundred [2]
I know when I'm lonely
All she has to do is hold me
And all of the pain fades away
As the rest of the world falls away.

I know when she holds me
She's never going to let go of me
We could run away
Just us, we could escape.

Then she holds me tighter
The flame between us brighter
Suddenly we're running free
Her and me: in our dreams
She's leading me to a fantasy.

Who cares about the storm clouds?
When this could be our breakout.
My hand runs through her hair
We could be anywhere
Because tonight
Is our night.

She's not a lighthouse,
I'd rather bask in her gaze,
She's my North Star, wherever we are
And she's pointing the right way
I'm following her
And when I'm her girl
I'll be home
293 · Jun 2016
Warzone Here
The air is biting me,
With homely smells,
With too much comfort,
Like trying too hard to impress my friends,
The first time they come round to my house.

The night is tiring me,
But I'm fighting back,
For no apparent reason,
Like the rebellious teenage streak,
That I could never bring myself to have.

The chair is pushing me,,
Urging me to leave,
But I remain stubborn,
Like being told our love is over,
But clinging onto hope.
293 · Dec 2016
Deliverer
So I am saved,
By just a tune in my head,
Surpassing all fear.
292 · Sep 2016
Abstraction
Close my eyes and reality falls
Away to an abstract half-memory
The air has a shape now
It flows around my head
A soft purple twisting stream
Deflected so simply
Tumbling so easily and I
Am swimming with perfect breath
My head drifts, following lazy currents
The lavender strands frenzy as they pass
My flesh grows lines and traces
Graphs along its surface
That tickle my arms and face
In faded blue felt-tip.
292 · Aug 2016
Shed my Shadow: Part 1
Distract, destroy, disturb the angels sleeping
Rough, reborn, restored the heaven's weeping
Hated, hurting,
Kingdom burning, turning
Back behind my back.

Unhinge, untie, undo the laws you're bound by
Rusted rules return until the dark dies,
Punished, paining,
Hell is reigning, straining
Hands around my neck.
291 · Jan 2016
Do they wonder?
I wonder if they realise,
That my fingers’ dance,
Is more than an essay or coursework.

I wonder if they know,
That these words have more meaning,
Than just word count or letters or form.

I wonder if what they see,
Is a student catching up,
Or a hipster with too much time.

I wonder if they expect,
Me to move on soon,
Or stay here obsessing all night.

I wonder if they care,
Enough to think at all,
Or wonder who I am,
Where I've been,
Or why I'm writing.
291 · Sep 2017
Perfume
I heard once in a song when I was young
that your "first love stays with you for ever"
and back then I knew who she must be
but now, what I thought was love back then
I see was immature loneliness
but my mind still drifts back
to a girl I loved
who used to read my poetry
and I used to admire her voice
now I wonder if I could have made it work
if I'd been older, more confident,
kinder or less busy
perhaps
most likely not,
but it seems that her eyes
and the smell of her perfume
are intertwined with my memories
291 · Jan 2016
A door of night
A light peeks out,
From the top of a closed door,
Not of wood,
But of night.

Its frame is the stars,
Its handle invisible,
Out of touch,
Too far for human hands.

Beyond that door,
Lies another world,
But no one sees it,
No one notices,
The glint of light,
Peeking at our reality.
289 · Nov 2015
My family
"Bring me the head of a live unicorn!"
He demanded of me,
He wanted to use a laryngoscope,
To examine its insides,
As he spoke he peeled a potato,
And requested the deciding vote,
Upholding democracy,
Or the Mafia of the commons.
If you understand this, stop bugging my house, I don't understand it myself.
289 · Jan 2016
Background
A whisper,
When I rest in your arms.
A thank you,
As we sway to some far-flung,
Dream of a song.
A promise,
As you tightened your hold,
And as you did I felt,
Safety,
All fear, all tension,
Blurred from focus,
Until they were no more,
Than background.
289 · May 2015
Three in the morning
I close my eyes
To imagine when I open them
I will see hers returning
My gaze

And I slow my breaths
To imagine as I do so
She shares the very air
I breathe

And I relax my arms
To imagine that when I wake
She will be in them, where
She belongs

And I close my lips
To imagine that my alarm clock
Will be her gentle whisper of
A kiss

And I release my soul
To imagine that in dreams perhaps
We are together for just
A moment

And I fall asleep
To imagine that in the morning
The distance won't seem so far
From my heart to hers.
Away, away,
The world falls away,
But tell me child you'll chase it still,
And make it fall your way.

Afraid, afraid,
The people are afraid,
But tell me child you'll stay strong still,
And won't let your fear stay.

A day, a day,
We wait another day,
But tell me child you'll smile still,
And run with the sun while you play.
287 · Jun 2015
Once told
I was once told that being yourself,
Was all about you and no-one else,
That you should be the person you want to be,
Not anything else, at all, but "me".

I was once told that loving another,
Was all about you and your true lover,
That love is blind and sees only the heart,
And keeps you together when you're apart.

I was once told that how I dress,
Was all about what I think looks best,
That as long as I'm comfortable no-one will mind,
Just make sure you leave a good impression behind.

What I was told is crushed everyday,
By "friends" I trusted and the words that they say,
By ignorance and expectations I'm forced into,
Being someone else who can't speak the truth,
And when I finally admitted to the lie I've been living,
I guess I was hoping for something more forgiving,
Than assumptions and refusals to call me by name:
I just want you all to treat me the same.
Only one thing changed:
My honesty.
287 · Jul 2015
A letter
Dear Eagle,

If you read this,
Which I doubt you will,
Please know I'm thinking of you.

I know not how long,
Before I see you again,
But I'm dreaming of watching you fly.

I'm not rushing in,
I'll take my time, this time,
To ensure we both soar not one or the other.

My heart is strong,
And will not fall with fear,
But will tremble on hearing your voice.

I'll see you soon, Eagle,
And when I do,
I'll glide alongside you.
287 · Jun 2015
The loop
The dim light of an electric lamp,
Is the only source of comfort,
And even its glow cannot,
Reach every headstone.

Do the dead fear the dark?
Sleeping day and night?
Or is illumination irrelevant?
When eyes are hollow?

Does the silver in between,
The leaves of guardian trees,
Chill their hearts and raise,
Suspicion within their graves?

Or are the dead braver than me?
No shiver down their spines,
They have nothing to fear,
Yet I fear the nothingness.
286 · Dec 2016
To good use
The flute calls out, leaping across bar-lines,
A girl, her eyes closed and hair loose,
Swaying in time, the instrument resting below her gentle lips,
Using her precious breath to grace the air,
With a pure beauty, as if calling to the rivers,
As if those notes were crafted for these hills,
And separated long ago,
But their connection only strengthened,
And now her breaths stir the grass,
And brush against the leaves.
Remember them,
We're told,
As they launch another drone,
Another assault,
And drop another bomb.

Remember them,
We're told,
Though there's others every day,
Everywhere we look,
People dying, starving, crying.


Remember them,
We're told,
Though even now there is no peace,
No truth or life,
Without debt or pain.

I'm sure they'd rather we forget,
If it meant we fixed the world today.
286 · Mar 2016
Clinging to velvet
There is more truth around my neck
than there is in my whole body.

And scratched into the clasp
are the marks of honesty.

And clinging to the velvet
is a whisper of who I could be.

But the lump in my throat,
the way my shoulders stretch out
a little too far away from my flat chest
and my hips don't quite fit
the way I want to walk.

Your eyes see body first,
Truth second.
284 · Jun 2016
Rational
I am afraid.
I see no sense denying,
For ignoring weakness makes me no stronger,
Instead I embrace it,
I know I am afraid,
But fear has a purpose,
It protects me and keeps me reasonable,
Keeps me rational,
Fear fueled my escape from pain,
And fear teaches me to avoid it again,
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
Yes, fear is love,
The kind of love that keeps its children from harm,
I am afraid,
But I am better for it.
284 · Jan 2016
Carved Shadows
Sometimes I don't want to smile,
Because to do so would be fake,
And pointless,
Instead I'd rather hide in the dark,
Than try to walk through a storm,
And cower in the cave,
In the rough, carved shadows,
Until the rain stops,
And I can see the way again.
284 · Oct 2014
Searching
There was nothing left there for me,
There was nothing left to say,
So I left on a new path,
To find my own way.

But when I went,
I didn't know where I was going.

I've been searching for the way to go,
I've been searching for a new direction,
But I didn't know how far to run.
You helped me to find my own truth,
And you helped me to find understanding.
And now you're leading me along a route I don't know,
But I will trust your judgement.

I knew you'd made me happy,
And I'll always be thankful.
But I've been lost for so long,
I didn't realise I'd been found.
And now, finally,
I know what I did wrong,
From the very start.

I needed help,
But I didn't know it,
So it just kept growing,
And growing, and growing.
Until it outgrew me,
It overtook me,
But I kept reaching for it.

Until finally, after all this time,
You came and averted my eyes,
And I saw a glowing, blinding light,
That destroyed all the lies,
I've been saying in my own mind.

Because I needed help,
But I didn't need to change,
Because you love me for who I am,
*Not who I want to be.
283 · Aug 2017
Bored Composer
Between my fingers
Lies the power to entrance
The beauty to bring tears
The energy to make dance
A shift across one step
And the atmosphere could change
The air becomes much hotter
And light seems to fade
Add an extra feeling
Above comfort, uncertainty
Yet still held in balance
By mellow intricacy
But stretch my thumb a little
I could pull back to hope
And climb up to sanctuary
On gently woven rope
And weave a simple story
Of loss, of love, of growth
283 · May 2016
Eternity smiles [3]
Here we go again, Here we go again,
Cycles have an end, All things have to end,
All except for you, reflected in my heart,
But why do you smile while I cry?

I try to hold back the tears though you’re not here
But still they will fall - because they're all I have left to offer to your shrine.
I know it had to end but I can’t tell if I would rather live or have to die.
I’m longing for the fire in your eyes - I will burn bright and keep your flame alive.
I’ll keep your heart beating with mine,
I can’t let this flat-line.

I promise I’ll be with you now, I don’t know how I could leave before eternity.
I can’t hold back the tears another day! The years won’t take away my memories.
And now the things around turn to colour as I hear your last words again:

“Don’t let your heart fall, I’m still here, I will always be near.
I could never be far from your side: remember me”
283 · Nov 2015
Golden song
Falling flat, straying so far from
Simple, sharper ways.
Still stumbling over broken,
Breaking, brighter days.

Crushing! Curling through me,
Thorns pierce my pining heart!
Blood! Rushing, rising!
Mercy mourns,
While this weathered wretch falls apart.

And yet!
Slowly, softly, though lacking form,
Some sweet sound sleeps despite the storm,
And falls unconscious across my ears,
With whispers, grants golden song of tears,
And leads me into lying, letting,
My senses go.
282 · Apr 2016
Too late
Is it too late?
Did time force my hand too far?
As much as I push back,
I can't get off this path,
And my fate remains.
282 · May 2017
The Air [1]
After school
A girl sits alone
At a piano
And plays
Songs she didn't know
And as she sits there
She learns
How to make beauty
With her fingers
And how it lingers
In the air.
281 · May 2017
Girl of my Dreams
I hope one day I will be so in love
So enamoured that I cannot help but write to her

That I cannot resist the urge to describe and
Reinterpret my feelings in the most colourful,
Abstract and simple ways.

That I have no choice but to invent
Tales of being together because I cannot
Bear to be without her even for a day.

That I cannot rest for my pen still
Can't quite capture the essence of
My heart's longing for her.

I hope one day I will feel that
But for now, I must write to a girl of my dreams.
279 · Mar 2016
A foreign nightmare
Half-hearing the story
of a face I didn't know,
But the eyes I've never seen before
still remind me of my own.

The nightmare that she's living -
I don't focus but still see -
Reminds me of the shadows that pass
beneath my doorway.

The faces in her window match
The faces glimpsed in mine
But I know not who she is
Nor who I am
279 · Jan 2017
Rushing Into Things
I need to stop listening to the
music that makes me say these things
that really should remain unspoken
or at least no more than implied.
I held myself back for so long
but nothing seems to keep me
from wanting you to join me
and hear these songs by my side.
I wish I could tell you in words
why I'm so afraid to say all these
things which mean so much to me
and to you perhaps in time.
But instead I mess up and use far
too many ellipses to show you how
nervous I am but all they do
is confuse and remove all rhyme
278 · Apr 2015
I could...
I could write a love poem.
If I wanted to,
I could fill the page with clichés.
I could find artificial rhymes so I could say,
"I wrote a poem!"
Not just a mess of words.
I could tell a million times of how I long for her smile,
I could remind you that I dream of her eyes,
In a hundred words maybe?
But, that's not the point is it?
To write a poem like that is not for show,
So, I don't.

The important things,
I say them.
Plain and simple.

Well...
Until I'm in the mood for elaborate forms
And
S
t
  r
   u
    c
     t
      u
         r
           e
             s
Like that.
Then I go back to my usual,
Cryptic,
Metaphorical,
Self within the pages.
278 · Jul 2015
Late night writing
Shining,
Gleaming,
In the reflection,
Of a darkened window,
A power-saving lamp,
Lights the spiral bounds,
Of a single notebook,
That holds my inner,
Soul.
278 · Dec 2015
Reject
You told me to *******,
So I did,
And I'm not coming back,
Friends who won't stand by me,
Are not worth having anyway,
So I'll go back to what I know,
Living life on my own,
No friends,
No chains,
No duty,
No obligations,
Just hopeless,
Lonesome wandering,
With no goal,
No support,
And no happiness.
278 · Nov 2015
Fairies
They swooped,
With simple grace,
Floating,
Glowing,
And beating their wings,
So silently,
They seemed to be,
Almost,
Magical.
278 · Apr 2017
Diddle Day
Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
I'll be aworkin'
I'll be away
Threshin' the barley
Balin' the hay
Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!

Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
Here I've been workin'
Here I will stay
Feedin' the cattle
Strainin' the whey
Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!

Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
Storm clouds are gatherin'
Sky's goin' grey
But I'll be aworkin'
Right through the rain
Um ****** ******!
Um ****** day!
Diddly um dee ******!
Diddly um dee day!
277 · May 2016
Fresh cut
Fresh cut grass baked in rare sun,
Streaks of pale green beneath my toes,
The smell of year five break-times,
When we'd run and throw and build houses from cuttings.

I remember when we'd pretend,
That we know far more about life,
Passing notes and giving subtle gifts,
Hints of made-up love.

We'd ask if we were born wrong,
If we should play football or with skipping ropes,
And we'd laugh at little things,
And we'd care about the world.

These days the world's on hold,
While we take and stress about exams,
Outside is a waste of time,
Until we take the time and breathe.

Breathe in the smell of a time I loved,
A time when friends were everything.
277 · Oct 2014
Those I've Hurt
The knife in my side,
The blood on my hands,
The hole in my mind,
The loss I can't stand.

I follow the fear,
Towards a new start,
As more cracks appear,
In my blackened heart.

A pathway of pain,
It leads me onwards,
I don't care if I'm broken inside,

But what if I can't,
Pick up all the pieces,
Of those I've hurt and those who've died?

I try to escape,
The depths of my heart,
Riddled with holes from Anger's cold spear.

What if I caused,
More hate than I feel?
What if there's no way back from here?

There's no way back,
And to those I've hurt,
I'm sorry,
Don't forgive me.
276 · Nov 2015
The Direct approach
Tension as we,
As puppets,
Let them fight,
Over our strings,
Snapping two,
Stretching twelve,
Almost to breaking point.

But then,
The strongest,
Took control,
Back from him,
And let us slowly,
Relax.
276 · Dec 2015
A gift
Waiting before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
On the mildest last day before Christmas
I've ever known.

Pacing before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
Rubbing my hands together
As if I was cold.

Looking before school
A gift in the front pocket of my bag
Realising too slowly
She wasn't coming.
275 · Jun 2016
Summer feels like...
Summer feels like too many songs,
Like falling in love twice in one night,
Like smiling for a photograph,
Like an act.

It feels like one big show to prove a point,
Like making up for the winter months,
Like pretending to be happy,
Like we're not.

It feels like putting flowers at a grave,
Like running from mistakes all over again,
Like cleaning the house for when the relatives come over,
Like hiding the truth.
275 · Jun 2015
Time, friends and words
Am I OK?
Now I do not have to think,
But there was a time,
Not long ago,
When that question,
Plagued my mind,
Devoured every moment,
With uncertainty leaning,
Negatively,
For so long,
I was not OK,
I was broken but,
Clinging on to the hope,
Of a lie I told myself,
That everything was fine,
It took the worst,
To show me I needed,
To change,
Something,
Not me,
But how I saw myself,
It took time,
Friends and words,
Over years,
Until now,
I no longer have to think,
Before answering:
"Yes, I'm fine..."

"...and you?"
274 · Aug 2015
Skimming stones
Spinning, spinning,
Towards the surface,
With the certainty,
Of sinking,
Not swimming,
But unexpected,
Rising again,
Into the air,
And out of control,
Tumbling,
Up,
Up,
Up,
The down,
Down again,
And this time,
That's it
274 · Jun 2016
Love is all we need
We know we have to hide
Every time we go outside
Just because we're the only ones like us
And we don't know who's on our side

And we've waited far too long
To stand up and say it's wrong
So now it's time to speak up and draw the line
Break the walls and sing our own song

We've put up with a world of hate
People think that that's okay
When we try to fight for our own side
We're the enemy, people say

But who we are will never change
What we believe will never fade
We've come so far, we're here to stay
We'll be free

We won't lose heart, we're not afraid
We just want the right to stay the same
Show our love in our own way
Love is all we need
274 · Aug 2017
Hazy Shapes
A girl sits on the worn out
Stone of an old staircase
Deeper in the middle from
Shoes gone by
She leans on the wall
By her side
With a smile on her face
And her eyes barely open
Air drifts in to her
Like she is a part of it
And with it she flows
Up from the cold stone
Out of the shadows
Across the town
The only one she knows
To find the eyes
That she spotted last night
Filled with ripples
And colour and light
And from the hazy shapes
She strained to see
She builds a person
Thin arms, thin waist
Hair half over one shoulder
And a smile,
Then a laugh which
Tickles her own lips
And makes her open her eyes

She stands and shakes her head
She must forget
Until she sees her again
274 · Aug 2017
Countless Regret
Missed chances are worse for the time in between
When they play countless times a thousand different ways
And you can convince yourself your way
Was the worst
Because there are so many things you could have said
That would have been better, not so bad or OK
But still in the moment your words struck wrong
And said not what was on your mind
And you let it go, let it slip
And let it torture you through the night
The nights and pain I wish away,
Dissolve upon the breeze,
The lights above, and the whisper of,
A monster in the steam.

A cough, a glare, a moment rare,
A chance to catch my breath,
And listen hard, the falling stars,
Sing before they rest.


A rumble low, that we all know,
Is nothing to be feared,
Keeps us from harm, And spirits calm,
As long as he is near.
273 · Mar 2017
Heavenly Fridge
A too perfect green paints the field
In block pastels and petals
Like God is some child
Making a piece of scrap paper
Into a display piece to be stuck
On the front of some heavenly fridge
273 · Apr 2015
Dreams play out
In dreams,
I play out,
The scenarios I fear most,
I take the ridicule,
The pain,
The hatred,
All in one night,
So then,
I have nothing to fear,
For I have already faced,
My fears,
With closed eyes,
And felt the worst,
So I have no excuse,
To run,
Or hide,
From them,
Who seek to wound me,
For I have already been wounded,
When defenceless,
In sleep,
And my greatest fear,
Has been a part of my nightmares,
Since before my tenth year:
To
Just
Be
Myself.
273 · Apr 2016
Ripples in the past
Reaching out,
Chasing, grabbing,
Clawing at something so real,
But it fades in your grasp,
And becomes no more,
Than ripples in the past
273 · Jul 2015
Echoes [Part-1]
Streams trickle
Gently through my head
The sun sleeps
But light persists
Strands of my hair
Glisten as I surface
And stars shine
In the drops across my eyes
Soaked white silk
Drapes across my shoulders
Young grass' dew
Dampens my bare feet
And I close my eyes
In an imagined world
And sing gently
Echoes keep me company
273 · Apr 2016
An old picture
Sand brushed frames,
A memory distorted,
By over-exposure, poor lighting and blur.

A laugh captured between breaths,
The light in those eyes,
A reflection of a lens.

A moment I'd forgotten,
But lives on in fading ink
Losing its shine with time.
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