I was there.
Every time you need me, I was there.
When your world seems to fall down, I was there.
When you need a shoulder to cry on, I was there.
When you lost your sense of control, I was there.
When you got nothing left to do, I was there.

I was always there for you.
But just like Thinkerbell who always with Peter pan,
Still, he chose Wendy.

And you chose her.

The first day I saw you, I knew that you were something else
A soul damaged by what the world had brought
I knew that you were just looking for a friend
Maybe a little something more

That day our teacher put us together, all of it changed
While the others in the pact worked off the act
We talked to each other like we have been there for long
You showed me the pain you felt
While I showed you that things will be alright
Every smile on your face
Every beam of light in your eyes
I miss those days where you were almost mine

I still remember all those long nights, where we talked on and on
I still remember the reds on your cheeks
From every moment I told the truth
I still remember trying to stand by your side, just wanting to let you know
I still remember waiting to see you each day
And feeling wasted when you would not show
Just one time I wanted to hear to say my name
I still remember how I was falling for you

We stayed friends for a while
I respected your wishes to stay that way
You were worried that you would loose my faith
When really it slowly grew
Just because I knew it was you

We grew closer each day
Our hearts still to the same beat
I thought this was something that could never go away
I made you a member of my growing empire
Everything was about to become part of legend
That was in till I tried to add one more

I still remember all those long nights, where we talked on and on
I still remember the reds on your cheeks
From every moment I told the truth
I still remember trying to stand by your side, just wanting to let you know
I still remember waiting to see you each day
And feeling wasted when you would not show
Just one time I wanted to hear to say my name
I wanted to make you mine
I still remember our first fight
I still remember seeing you cry
But I wanted you to know
I still remember how I was falling for you

When he came around we were falling apart
I felt he was an incoming danger
You thought that it was a lie
You stood by his side
I knew that he was trouble all along
But you wouldn't listen to a word I had to say

I still remember waiting for those long talks at night
I still remember regretting not warning you
Of the coming future that I saw
I still remember watching the lights in your eyes fade away
I still remember feeling the anger you held
Each and every time we met
I still tried to be there for you
But that devil burned everything we had
We both stayed friends with him
Then his real shades of black shown right through
I wanted to end his life
When I heard that he was throwing punches
They all stood trying to protect him
When all along I was trying to keep from others going through what we did
I guess its too late to even do that

I still remember all those long nights, where we talked on and on
I still remember the reds on your cheeks
From every moment I told the truth
I still remember trying to stand by your side, just wanting to let you know
I still remember waiting to see you each day
And feeling wasted when you would not show
Just one time I wanted to hear to say my name

My Dear Sunset Rose
Please just hear me say this
I am sorry for what I have done
I just wanted to keep you safe from harm
Just please remember this
I still remember how I was in love with you

Speaking of broken hearts
and mended fenced in mem'ries  
I am painting skies
of tangerine, saffron
& an illuminated lilac hue
against the starkly contrasted crisp cornflower blue, stretching canvas that is
along with all the
other blindingly beautiful colors of a twilight sky

And those dripping cotton candy stratospheric clouds
Ice crystals freezing into supercooled
water droplets
Streaking the sky in cirrus whispers
..I hear them whisper, "hello"...

Blinding beauty
through unadulterated sunlight
I am fleeced like a lamb
watching in awe,
..in wonder
then stomping sounds
of coming thunder,

Finding depth and height
out  in the stratosphere
Blinded by the
After Light
or afterglow
affected by the amount of haze
I'm in a daze
...as I am reaching

High above the fading light
of a brilliant early fall sunset
I take a big breath
of that sumptuous air
and twirl my skirted legs
my painted toes
where I know
I am back
to solid ground

Appreciating the last time
I say sleep well
to you  my dear
summertimes sweet mem'ries
and the fun we had this year.

Cherie Nolan © 2016

Dear J,
   I may be at a loss for words half the time, and the other half I might have too much to say, but I can almost always say this; I love you. I have felt fear and I have felt bravery and I have felt loss. I can look pictures of us and I can recall everything we did that day. I can listen to videos of you and I can tell what you felt. And I know that you didn't think I was paying attention, but I knew how you looked when you thought something was unfair. And I knew the look in your eyes when you saw the light just right in a sunset and you knew that nothing could ever be recreated quite like that. I felt the same way about you.
   Wherever you are, know that loving someone isn't a matter of feeling something or not feeling something. It's a matter of knowing what you're feeling and when you need to let go.
   I think that people know that letting go involves unfurling your fingers and watching something fall from a great height. It's the act of following that objects downward motion that gets to us. That once it meets the ground or whatever surface it is deemed to hit, it's gone. What was there is gone. And once you think about that you think of what could have been there. That one last touch, that one last feeling of bliss that comes with knowing that the moment you wake up the sun will be shining in rivulets through fingers that tangle in hair fresh off the pillow. It's sad to know that nothing like that will happen again.
   The sun won't shine the same way. Instead it may simply fall. It won't cascade, it won't flow over the edges of noses or smiling lips. It's the same way water may lose a stone from a riverbed and from there on after it doesn't run quite the same way. But another stone, another pebble will fall in place because replacement happens.
   I guess what I'm trying  to say, is that letting go is letting someone else take a spot. In order for something else to happen you have to let your joints move out of their grip and unfold from their hold on something that wasn't meant to be held by you anymore.
   Sometimes you have to let them land somewhere new.
I only hope that it's somewhere even more beautiful than before.
            Claire

Recovery
A long road
Tough, but
Worth traveling.
Even the worst days in recovery are better than the best days encompassed in an eating disorder.