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Paige McCulley Dec 2018
someone once told me
you’re no good for me
that we shouldn’t hold onto
something not guaranteed
back then i didn’t believe them
but now i know
we cant grow
now i’m faded
sitting in my bathroom
wishing it was you that would come back soon
thinking bout the good times
that are
tangled in these vines in my mind
contemplating suicide
waiting for the sunrise
to save me from taking my own life
rough but 2 am thoughts.
  Dec 2018 Paige McCulley
Sonu kumar
Are like apples
On trees.The best ones
Are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach
For the good ones because they
Are afraid of falling and gettting hurt.
Instead,they just get the rotten apples
From the ground that aren't as good,
But easy.So the apples at the top think
Something is wrong with them,When in
Reality,they're amazing.They just
Have to wait for the right boy to
Come along,the ones
Brave enough to
climb all
the way
to the top
of the tree
If a child came to you and asked
“What is wrong with me?”
Would you say anything?

When you look in the mirror
And ask
“What is wrong with me”
Do you stay silent?

So what is the difference
Between you and a child besides your age?
Its not like one of you feels less,
Is less human…

So when i begin to charge the calculator in
My mind
So that it can count how much
And how many,
How little and how big

I remind myself of this:
There is a reason I decided to get better

Because it is much better to be laughing with your
Friends over pizza then to be crying by yourself
On the bathroom floor
… over pizza

Because this body that you are tormenting and
Starving and cutting and killing
Has been trying so relentlessly to save you.

Even when all you wanted was death
When it felt like the most natural solution,
When it felt like it was impossible to be happy
To be at least fine for a singular moment
When the blood was gushing from your veins
Your body thought it best to patch up your skin
And repair your cells
And it tried to save you
Because it loves you more than anything could

So why do you try to spite it?
What has it done to you but
Save your life?

“Stop falling in love with the things that are killing you”
That's what a psychologist said to me
And it seemed like the most simple solution
But the hardest to execute..
Because once you’re in love
Nothing can take you out of it but time

And for so long,
I skipped breakfast so i could eat dinner or
I skipped dinner so i could eat breakfast
And for so long,
I was in love with
Drinking coffee for all 3 meals
But I didn’t yet understand that life was just
One long stream of moments
And in these moments …
It will never matter what I looked like
It will never matter that i ate
A little too much one day
Or that when i finished my cereal i wanted another bowl
I began to despise the very things i once loved

And this was a long, hard journey
I called recovery.

It was reteaching myself the reason I exist,
And that it definitely was not to shrink..  
But to grow…
No matter how much it hurt
In the process.

Because just 2 months ago I was writing poems about
How I hadn’t eaten in 24 hours and how I
Was so..


But now…
I am so...

Dear J,
   I may be at a loss for words half the time, and the other half I might have too much to say, but I can almost always say this; I love you. I have felt fear and I have felt bravery and I have felt loss. I can look pictures of us and I can recall everything we did that day. I can listen to videos of you and I can tell what you felt. And I know that you didn't think I was paying attention, but I knew how you looked when you thought something was unfair. And I knew the look in your eyes when you saw the light just right in a sunset and you knew that nothing could ever be recreated quite like that. I felt the same way about you.
   Wherever you are, know that loving someone isn't a matter of feeling something or not feeling something. It's a matter of knowing what you're feeling and when you need to let go.
   I think that people know that letting go involves unfurling your fingers and watching something fall from a great height. It's the act of following that objects downward motion that gets to us. That once it meets the ground or whatever surface it is deemed to hit, it's gone. What was there is gone. And once you think about that you think of what could have been there. That one last touch, that one last feeling of bliss that comes with knowing that the moment you wake up the sun will be shining in rivulets through fingers that tangle in hair fresh off the pillow. It's sad to know that nothing like that will happen again.
   The sun won't shine the same way. Instead it may simply fall. It won't cascade, it won't flow over the edges of noses or smiling lips. It's the same way water may lose a stone from a riverbed and from there on after it doesn't run quite the same way. But another stone, another pebble will fall in place because replacement happens.
   I guess what I'm trying  to say, is that letting go is letting someone else take a spot. In order for something else to happen you have to let your joints move out of their grip and unfold from their hold on something that wasn't meant to be held by you anymore.
   Sometimes you have to let them land somewhere new.
I only hope that it's somewhere even more beautiful than before.
  Mar 2017 Paige McCulley
For all the girls who are out there
And think they are fat and ****
Your not
Your beautiful
Your body is ****
Don't let anyone bring you down
We all can't be the same sizes
Imagine might as well make us all look alike
Thats why god made us different
And we all go through different stuff
Please love yourself as who you are
Trust me there is someone out there
Who loves you the way you are
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