you ruined me
do you know that?
you ruined me
do you even care?
that ruin changed me
people say that change is good
it’s healthy for you
i’m not sure about my change

do you want to know more?
how you ruined me?

i was blind
blind and stupid
i fell for you
i fell long and hard
and the crash into reality ruined me
i still have the scars on my heart
scars that won’t heal
do you want to see them?
see the damage you caused?
see the ruin?

the rest is a tad more complicated

you had a pair of rose-colored glasses
you didn’t know what would happen
you put those glasses on me
you forced those glasses on me
suddenly, i saw what you saw
your world, your ideas, your opinions, your words
never mine, only yours
you didn’t know the glasses would ruin me
you took me to places i’d never been
you took me to places i didn’t want to be
then the illusion shattered
those rose-colored lenses splintered
flying into a million pieces
and some of those pieces flew into my eyes
those pieces that traveled into my mind
those pieces that ruined me

i’d like to say i carry you in my heart
but i carry you in my mind instead

do you remember now?
do you know when you ruined me?
i do
i’ll always know
you’ve probably forgotten
i’ll always remember
when you ruined me
it’s a hard thing to forget
the moment when i was ruined

i had asked you a question
an innocent harmless question
or so i thought
your answer, that was it
that was what ruined me
your answer ruined me
those two words
i asked you why you weren’t interested
why you didn’t ask me out
(is this starting to sound familiar?)
those two words
that small phrase
it ruined me
(you know those words?)
you said “physically unattractive”
i was physically unattractive to you
you liked my mind
but you hated my body
you liked the soul
but you hated the vessel

and that was the moment
i crashed into reality
the illusion shattered
you ruined me

that was in june of 2014
those words still haunt me
i’m ruined
thanks to you
something inside me changed
i won’t ever be the same
and i hate that
i was ruined
with deep scars on my heart
scars that won’t heal

you want to know the ruin?
i’m going to tell you anyway

i can’t look in a mirror
without thinking of your words
i don’t believe people
when they compliment me
if someone tells me i’m pretty
i wonder what they see
or if it’s me they’re looking at
i don’t get it
when i’m told i’m cute
because i’ve been ruined

you ruined me
do you know that?
you ruined me
do you even care?
you ruined me
do you remember now?
i do
i always will
because i’ve been ruined

rainy days are the best days
when you can sit inside
under a cover of blankets
and drift off to the sound
of rain pounding on the roof
the entire world wet
letting your eyes close
and fade away
to the sound of rain

cold nights are the best
to sit and listen
to the traffic outside
curled under a blanket
trying to stay warm
your toes and nose
so cold you can't feel
but that's the best
a cocoon of warmth
in a space of cold

it's been a year
a year since you dumped me
facebook reminded me
telling me to look back
look at the memories
and there's a photo
with me and you
the night of a student night
of a performance
you didn't say anything
nothing on the ride back
we got out of the car
you walked me to the steps
and on those steps
you dumped me
with four simple words
"i can't do this"
i don't hold it against you
i don't hate you
i don't hold a grudge
you set me free
and because of that
all i can say is
"thank you"
thank you for leaving me
standing on the steps
wondering what i did
thank you for walking away
without another word
without showing regret
thank you
because of you
i am with a good man
a man i call mine
a man who calls me his
a man who is my one
a man who is my only
a man who i love
so, thank you
thank you for those four words
"i can't do this"
thank you for leaving me
in the rain and cold
thank you for everything

I remember how you hated buying period supplies with me and how you stayed one aisle away from me the entire time. I remember cuddling in the back of your car, which always led to us kissing, followed by long talks. I remember talking about nothing in particular, but always talking. I remember the early morning phone calls and how groggy you were. I remember late night phone conversations and how we’d almost be falling asleep when we hung up. I remember you calling me cute every day, even if I had just hiccuped. I remember me falling asleep next to you countless times. I remember how our hands were always touching. I remember almost everything you ever told me. I remember you. I remember you and I hate how much I remember because it just hurts. It hurts because all I have are these memories and I don’t have you. I don’t have you because I made a choice. I’ll stand by the choice I made, but. But when it’s close to 3am and I’m sobbing into my pillow, telling myself that I’ll be okay, that’s when I remember.

the air hinting at what's to come
the cool and crisp feeling
with a promise
that leaves my head reeling
speaking of leaves
they start changing
turning these colors
nature rearranging
the sky changes
instead of blue and bright
it's a stark grey
both dark and light
anywhere you walk
there's a crunch
of fallen leaves
all in a bunch
having to bundle up
layered to keep warm
hats, scarves, gloves
coats to weather a storm

that is the magic of the third season

to me, rain is the symbol of happiness.
whenever i hear the pounding on the roof, especially when i'm in my bedroom and it's late at night, a smile slowly appears on my face.
one might even hear a squeal of excitement.
i was told, by my boyfriend, that it's odd that rain makes me happy.
but it isn't that odd. is it?

i don't sleep because i am too enthralled with ink on pages
this is my curse