they say not to worry
they say not to stress
how can i not?
it's my future
it's my path
yet, i know
i have to give
the control over
to one who knows
my path and future
stop taking
start giving
stop worrying
start trusting
stop stressing
start relaxing
maybe then
the pieces
will fall
in place

it's starting again
tragic and beautiful
full of hope
awful and wonderful
god only knows
god i pray
make it last
let him stay

to the man who said "who would want to work at a place like this":

I understand working part time at a frozen yogurt store is not ideal to you. Surely it does not measure up to your job. However, it is not your job; it is mine. And you know what?

I relish my job.

I enjoy opening a yogurt store in the morning and staying here throughout the afternoon. (The AC on the hot summer days is a welcome bonus). I enjoy interacting with my regular customers and meeting the new ones that come in. I enjoy calling out 'hello' and 'have a nice day' every time the door opens and the bell goes off. I enjoy being able to work hard and serve the people who come in. I enjoy being able to work on homework during the slow parts of the day.

There are struggles that come with every job, such as messes made without a second thought to apologize, children occasionally throwing a tantrum, or customers who are unhappy with something I cannot control.

It may not be ideal to you. You may wonder why I work in a place like this.

To me, there is no other place I'd rather be.

From the girl behind the counter

P.S: the tips are pretty nice too

i didn't want to tell people that there was something wrong. i thought it was all in my head; i thought i would be told it was all in my head. turns out, it wasn't. i was depressed. i am depressed, technically. you wouldn't expect that, just looking at me. i tried to hide it as much as possible. now, i can't hide it. so i'm going to be open and say it, not to seek attention and not to cause harm. i am depressed and i am getting help. i am getting better. my mum even noticed. "it's nice to have our daughter back. you have that spark of life again."

i cannot describe how thankful i am for my mother. she is the pillar i lean on when there are hard times and she is the one i share good news with. she is my counselor and friend. she is the glue that holds the family together. she gives and gives and gives and doesn’t expect anything in return. she delights in my delight and i can finally say that i know she is proud of me as I am finally following the Lord and the path He has for me. she’s always been proud of me and her love has never wavered, even when i was in my darkest times and when i was furthest from the Lord. she has always been there for me and i know that will never change.

I say "I'm fine"
Maybe one day
I'll believe
What I say

what does my life amount to?
a box of papers
thousands of photos
a laptop and phone
memories
i try not to think about it
i really don't
it keeps crawling back
i fight it
i really do
but
it keeps coming
i wonder
what if i was gone?
who would it impact?
i assume i'd be missed

sunsets
lipstick stains on coffee cups
laughing until you're crying
laundry fresh out of the dryer
rain of the roof
the smell of fresh flowers
a mini wing on your eyeliner
chick flicks
thumbing through a book
wearing a dress and heels
sitting after being on your feet for hours
sunflowers seeds
a hot shower
snuggling with a stuffed animal
amazon's two day shipping
tea
reading in bed

you did nothing to have someone act the way they did. yet, you still feel as though you did something wrong. you apologize and try to convince them that it was you, it was all you and they had nothing to do with the wrong that was committed. as time goes on, you realize that it was nothing that you did at all, that you weren’t in the wrong. by then, it’s too late…god, i don’t know where i’m going with this...maybe this isn’t for you, but for me instead. because i have to constantly remind myself that i am worth it, that i’m valuable. no matter how much rejection or heartbreak that i face, i still pick myself up at the end of the day. i’m the one who will dust off my shoulders, wipe the tears from my eyes, bandage the wounds left by the ones who ran me over, and continue the long weary journey alone, save for a few people that want to join me. many start with me but few stay with. others say that they’re going to be there for me but then drop off the face of the earth with a simple “i’m sorry but i can’t do this” and leave me dumbfounded and confused and wondering what it was that i did and if there had been anything i could have done to change their mind. there was nothing and i didn’t do anything wrong and it wasn’t me at all, but it was them, leaving me trampled into the ground with my soul broken into a million shards. i’ll be sitting there, reassembling my heart, missing a few pieces, cursing the existence of everyone and swearing, “no, i won’t allow myself to be attracted to another person” until i see someone else and they see me too and oh gosh, it’s happening again. i should learn to brace myself against such things because i know that i’m going to get hurt again and it’s going to be even more painful than the last. and then it happens and  yet again, i’m sitting there, bewildered because i don’t know what happened or why it happened or the other several hundred questions running through my mind, so i begin gluing the shards together again, noticing a few more are gone, stuck to the sole of his shoe from where he crushed my soul. ironic, isn’t it?

you see their souls cracked open so wide that they cannot even deny who they are

i am nothing but a bundle of nerves
coming apart at every end
shaking and nervous
about to fray and fly away

i thought senior year was hard
freshman year is harder
being accepted into a university
it was exciting
for twenty minutes
reality set in then
wondering how i was going to pay
student loans
getting a second job
while attending classes
and working part time
what about work study?
it's all so much
overwhelming
moving me to tears with the thought
of what am i going to do
they don't tell you this in high school

what will i be remembered for?
will it be the way....
the way what?
what is it about me?
that make people like me
that make people dislike me
what is it about me?
what makes my boyfriend love me?
what makes my friends like me?
what is it about me?
would you tell me?
please....
i can't tell anymore

Ha. And I haven't been suicidal? That I had scars that faded. That I haven't been through hell and back with a smile on my face? That I haven't seen my fair share of hurt and pain? That I have had so many moment where I've been suicidal. That I've had moments where I seriously thought about swallowing a bottle of bathroom cleaner. That I was monitored as I flushed tramadol down the toilet so I wouldn't overdose. I've been through hell and I've learned how to be strong. There are moments where my armor cracks and I'm left with heartache but I sober up and continue on my way. That I have to be strong. That I'm always going to have love on my side and when I don't have strength and energy, I look to those who I love

today, i was treated than less than human.
i don't think i deserved it.
maybe i did.
working in the service industry.
however, i don't think
that i should be yelled at
for something i cannot control,
like how the store is laid out,
how the store's 'flow' is
and how much more effecient
it would be
to have it go in the other direction.
did i deserve that?
to be told my store is a
fire hazard
because we only have one door
and the flow isn't
how the gentleman wanted it,
thought it should be,
how he thought it should be.
he yelled because we did not
have a sign to say
where the line started.
he yelled at me for
district's number.
yelled at me,
demanding district's number,
continued to yell
while my coworker got him district's number.
i asked if there was anything else i could do.
today, i was treated less than human.
today, i feared that i would be injured,
even more so than i have been,
all because someone hated something
that was
out
of
my
control.

It’s nights like this that really get to me. The nights where nothing happens and you can feel something in your soul. There’s something there, lurking and you’re not sure what it is, but you know that it can’t be good. I can feel it now. It’s there, almost taunting me. I have to turn up my music so that’s all I can hear, not even hearing the buzzing of my phone against the wood desktop, not even the keys clicking as I tap e-a-c-h  i-n-d-i-v-i-d-u-a-l  o-n-e. I have to block it out or fill it with something. Something other than sadness and pain. Because I know that’s what’s going to happen if I dwell on it and I know that something is not what I need or want. I can tell what’s going to happen: that sadness is going to come and take me away. I’ll be swept up and carried away until I can’t tell what direction up is or my left from my right. I can’t listen to sad music either; that’ll only make it worse. Because I know what will happen. I can’t let that happen to me, not again. I have to distract myself, otherwise, I’m a goner.

books are the only escape
from the world around me

there is nothing like
staying up late
until it just you
and your light on
in a world of darkness

i have a ***** secret
something hidden to everyone around me, that i hide with smiles and laughter
something that brings tears to my eyes and a weight to my shoulders
i ran away from home when i was twenty
i didn't know what i would be leaving for good when i did leave
i thought it was just for a visit to sunny california
there, however, i found a second home
i broke my first home, my parents and sister, in the process
not just them but the rest of my family and friends
i have lived with the guilt
of knowing how much i have broken them
of not knowing the depths of their pain
that is what hurts me the most
knowing just how much i've broken and hurt them
how much i still grapple with the guilt
how much i feel i have shamed them
acting as though it does not bother me
when, in reality, it kills me every day
knowing what i did to them
knowing how much i changed their lives
knowing how much i hurt them
however
they have forgiven me
they love me
we see each other when we're able to
we call and text and stay in contact
i am truly blessed to be in their lives
that they still want me in their lives
i do not deserve their forgiveness
i still struggle with the guilt
some days are easier than others
even still
i am not worthy of their love
i will always carry the guilt
it is my burden to bear

i'm the one trapped in this hell
i'm the one stuck in my own head
this is getting to be too much
maybe i'm better off dead

the only reason i write so much is to quiet the voices in my head

I can see the huge flashes of lightning through my window and hear the huge raindrops on my roof.
It's nights like these that make me happy

Little girl
You've grown this past year
Heart broken and mended
Traveling and moving
Traded pines for palms
Friends lost and gained
Depression diagnosed
You've been through much
Laughed and loved
Cried and crashed
Fought and faltered
Now you're 21
Biggest milestone so far
You're an adult in age alone
Constantly mistaken for 12
How do you feel?
Scared, excited?
Ready for this next year?
Or completely terrified?
You've made it this far
No choice but continue on
With hope in your heart
With love filling your soul
With springs in your step
With strength on your side
Happy birthday to you
Or shall I say
Happy birthday to me

sliding on hardwood floors in fuzzy socks
hearing an song i haven’t heard in years and still knowing all the lyrics
swinging on the swing set in my backyard
the calm and quiet
movie nights with friends
the shiver that runs up my spine on occasion
feeling the warm lights on me as i stand center stage
much needed hugs
absently scrolling through social media
the smell of smoke lingering on your clothes
chocolate
feeling my heartbeat spike a million beats a minute
catching up on life
walking next to someone on the sidewalk
looking up at the stars
being able to talk about anything and everything
the smell of books
spending the day at the beach
the grin i get on my face after a performance
seeing a friend after a while
putting on comfy clothes after a long day
having the wind blow past me in a gust
being stupid with my best friends

he broke up with me today
well, not quite broke up.
he told me he's been thinking
dwelling, praying, pondering
about our relationship
our future and our paths.
he wants me to know
he still loves me
but he doesn't know
if he fell in love with me.
and so i am in a break
i am caught between
two planes
i am not single
i am not taken
until he makes up his mind
and i make up mine
dwelling, praying, pondering
about my own future
the golden boy
that i was so sure about
i am not so sure anymore

i am following my heart
after two years
after not wanting to face the truth
i am going home
to my family
to my friends
to oregon
it's a tough descision
i have cried so much
i have tried to fight
the heart always wins
i am moving home

it's starting again
and again and again
     over and over
it keeps beating me down
                       keeping me down
it knows
     how to get to me the best
it knows everything
                         all i can do is hope it won't be any worse than before
foolish girl
        don't you know by now?
stress
          will always be there
always
                beating and knocking
everywhere you turn
                                                                                             it will find you

little girl
2018 is over now
you’ve been strong
you’ve worked hard
you deserve
to shed a few tears
and be proud of who you are
and who you are becoming

here we go
it's starting
and i told myself it wouldn't
and yet
there's something
that's there and real
i can't help but think
think about what could be
i can't though
i made a commitment
i made a promise
i'm sticking to my guns
and yet
there's the allure
of the seemingly perfect fit
of how the humor melds
and the music and movies
and everything
that friendship
started all those years ago
that could develop into something more
with someone who sees me
truly sees me
my heart
my passion
my soul
and they're okay
they're okay with waiting
waiting for me
they see me
they know me
and they want me
and they're willing to wait
as long as it takes
it's been five years
five months more
isn't too long, right?

how am i flawed? let me count the ways
i am too emotional when i shouldn't be
i cry over the stupidest things
i will get angry at the smallest things
i overthink the simplest things
i give too much when i shouldn't
i hold onto things i shouldn't
i will be open and closed at the same time
i won't let people in when i should
the list goes on and on, i know
and yet, despite all of this, i am still loved and accepted
i am healed and mended through my brokenness
through my flaws, i am who i am

when will you realize
that you are not your body
you are not the skin you are in
you are your soul
you are your mind
you are your spirit
your favorite color
the movie that makes you cry the most
that joke that always makes you laugh
your dreams and visions
what makes you passionate
your dark secrets
what you think about when you're alone
your favorite snack
what you do when it's late and you're still awake
your favorite breakfast food
why you love
why you hope
why you cry
why you scream
why you're still here
those are what you are made of
everything precious and beautiful
that is who you are
not your body
but your soul instead

i know that i said i would wait six months
i had every intention of keeping that
and then he came along.
i kept praying that it wasn't to be
that God would give me a sign
that this man wasn't for me
that i should not pursue this.
nothing ever came to say no
and something said yes.
i told myself no dating him
until i was stable again.
work and school came through for me
and i am stable again.
just like that.
i did not expect this.
i did not want this, at first.
now, i'm with this man
who i am falling for.
and i cannot help
but want to hide it
because of the judgement
"i'm disappointing in you"
"you said six months"
"i thought you were serious"
i was and i am
i did not expect this to happen
i did not want this to happen
and you keep holding on
to my past and my mistakes
to the person i was and not
the person i am now
haven't i changed enough?
i was content to be single and to wait
and he came along and everything changed
i just want you to be happy for me
can't you understand?

the two words
i've heard over and over
throughout this time
is 'strong and proud'
somehow, that's me.
it's not really though
that's not me at all
that's what i pretend to be
that's what i seek for
that's what i pray for
i get my strength
from the Lord
and through that
i can be proud
the ears that once
had turned away
have finally, finally
turned back to Him
actively seeking
and pursuing
the strength from Him
so i can be proud
in knowing what
i was made to do

it is so wonderful
that even in these times
i can get together
and have time
with friends and mentors
that i have people
in my life
that i can lean on
they are the ones
to encourage me
and let me see how
they are doing
in all of this
for that
i am thankful

i just want to fall
completely and totally
because that's safe
i just want to fall
straight into you
because you're safe
i'm learning more and more
just how safe
just how wonderful
just how much
we fit together
time is crazy
it's hardly been a week
and yet,
i just want to fall
completely and totally
because of you
you have ****** with me
in the best and worst way
thank you for that
for being you
for being safe
for being someone
that i can fall for
i didn't expect
to fall so quickly
i am still falling
completely and totally
because that's you
because that's safe
to me