you wanted to find yourself. Maybe that was why you left— breaking my heart. When you broke it, you found yourself inside.
but when i said
‘living on the edge,’ this was never what i meant. what i meant was real party all night without parents’ permission; not a pity party at night with my self-destructing notions. what i meant was real rollercoasters, or go on life adventures; not roller coasters of all my life’s emotions. what i meant was swim in the ocean, or face my darkest fear. not an ocean of my darkest fears face me. but i when i said put ‘happy’ and ‘die’ together, i meant to actually ‘die happy’ not to be ‘happy dying.’
wrote this piece for National Mental Health Week.
how is it condemnable when we only choose to LOVE?
Post-Pride Week blues.
thoughts that this mind creates At night where these thoughts Just doesn’t seem to stop. Nostalgic vibe that this mind brings At night where the melancholy appears from out of nowhere. Somber experiences that this mind relives At night where secrets Are out in the open. Overly Deafening silence that this mind hears At night where your own heartbeat seems to be the only sound. Manic thinking that this mind undergoes At night where these memories Are suddenly brought up. Nocturnal body that this mind controls At night where the eyes should be closed. Incoherent words that this mind forms At night where drunken sentences Are actually sober thoughts. Abyssal state that this mind goes through At night where darkness and silence slowly kills your soul.
Shut up, thoughts. I am trying to sleep.
A single flower he gave me,
Sent my heart into a flutter. Had my stomach drown in butterflies; Made my knees go weaker. A single flower he gave me Instantaneously made me remember The special times I shared with him And our precious moments together. A single flower he gave me Was just like him as I rekindle. The smoothness, the aesthetic, The smell so sweet, the love’s symbol. But that single flower he gave me Also had thorns which pricked my finger. I shed a tear like when he broke my heart; A special flower no longer.
Almost asleep when my phone ticked;
'A notification,' it says. Your name was there, you liked my photo. And my stomach drowned in butterflies— Scratch that—moths, surely they're moths. Stronger, buzzier, like your power To occupy and stay in my brain With that single heart emoji beside your name. Thinking that the double tap Is as if you love me just the same.
Shoutout to those whose crushes follow them on instagram. Mine doesn't. :( HAHAHA
Beside what used to be your pillow, I wake.
Melancholy as I get out of bed. Brushing teeth by the sink With a jolt of sadness and dread; your toothbrush on the brink. Eating the pain for breakfast. Then wishing the shower can wash away the misery. I look at the mirror hoping that again, I could meet your lips so dreamy. But seeing that photo near the corner reminds me why I must not bother. Driving to work with the thought of you sitting on the passenger seat. I put my phone on top of my table. Longing for your voice so sweet, waiting for your message so playful. Can you blame me if I can’t forget you? Everything still lingers. Everything reminds me. I feel like I hold my heart in my fingers, shattered to the highest degree. I even take the long way home to forget the state of being alone. So please come back; not for a brand new start. But to keep our memories at bay; to keep the pain, the pieces of my heart. It used to beat for you, anyway.
Caraphernelia \ka-rə-fə(r)-‘nēl-yə\ noun : a broken-heart disease that occurs whenever someone leaves you, but leaves all of their belongings behind.
This poem was inspired by American post-******* band Pierce the Veil’s song of the same title.