My head hurts from crying
Pounding to the rhythm of my heartbeat
I wish I could stop, but tears keep falling
And suddenly I’m standing in a puddle
A puddle of liquid memories, seeping through my eyes
Like I’m a great vessel for great love, great misery
The scent of your shirt filled with cigarette smoke, and the gentle coarseness of your beard forces its way to my consciousness
And how am I meant to be happy now?
How can things ever be the same?
I can’t feel your heartbeat against my cheek
Nor your lips on the top of my head
How much can a human take?
Because having to leave you was even harder than last time
And there’s not much left of me to break.

I close my eyes and return to you
I return to the memories we have
The ghosts of your soft gaze
I forget and re-remember things, over and over
Like how you wink when you say something cheeky
How you warm your hands on mine
How you do the dishes in your underwear
How your hug feels like it could fit an entire world
And I feel the little fire in my chest grow larger
Smoke seeping through my skin
Because I remember how much I miss you
I miss seeing your face
I miss feeling your scent
I miss not being lonely
Because my bed will always be cold
As long as you’re not here.

The bliss of a good day is gone
A calm, dull darkness spreads in me
I don’t really feel sad
I don’t feel scared or worried
Neither excited nor happy
Actually, I don’t feel much at all
I just exist in some twisted, tiresome way
My head hurts of bad sleeping habits
And too little food
And I’m still wearing my tights pants
I never had the energy to take them off
My house is a mess and my kitchen is weary
But how can I clean when I can’t catch the glimpse of an energy boost
Not even a hint of a little hopefulness
How can I do things when I can barely keep myself awake?
My life is good and generally, I’m happy
But every time I set foot in this cursed apartment
It all comes back to me, like a light switch
And suddenly -
All that joy is gone
And what remains is merely a blanket from the past.