my hair is laced with flowers and my mind has gone. i've spent so much time trying to turn pollen into pixie dust, and one day, as i was singing nursery rhymes, i swear the butterflies led me somewhere like my home.

my heart is heavy enough to restrict me from flying.
bathtub full of flowers, mind filled with honey, honey, honey.

peter pan will grow up to be an old man working a desk job, and hamlet ends up in a place between the depths of heaven and hell. even god doesn't know what to do with them anymore.  he's got no clue for me either for my mind has gone.

white gown and angelic smile, i'll sing to you until you remember.
forever means nothing if you just age until you're a particle of dust.

i have remembrances of you, remnants of you. they're tattooed to my prefrontal cortex, and they cloud my judgement. my mind has gone. love isn't real, but i see signs anywhere i look, and they're singing nursery rhymes.

my fingers start to prune, and i duck my head under the water.
it's only for a while, now. father i won't be long.

Little black bird,
I was once you
I died inside myself and hung in the shadows
There was nothing on this earth lonelier than I was
Just as you write

I was once you
I saw a slight glimmer on earth and that was only a puddle beneath my feet from my tears falling off my face
I saw humanity but nothing worth saving
I felt nothing and screamed inside all day long until it was time to finally rest for a few hours
I answered questions doubtfully and walked alone

I was once you
Silence understood me better than anyone could ever begin to
Darkness was my best friend
Love was my enemy
Family was a foreign concept
The sidewalk knew me better than I wanted to admit
My diary stared me back in the face and mocked me
The mirror couldn't stand me
My eyes were always hazy
And music was my savior

The realm in which I lived was heavy
Every day was an ongoing battle of depression and it was never ending
Life was a sick joke and happiness did not exist. Ever.

Because I was once you,
I know that you are great.
I know how beautiful you really are inside
Beneath the destruction,
In the place where nobody else knows where to find
Someplace you have not yet discovered

Trust me little black bird,
You may be small but you are not overlooked.
You may feel weak
But you are stronger than you realize.

visible ghost of air ******* back into mouth
stepping back,
footprints dissolving in snow.
tiny crystals underneath repairing.
cliques drift apart,
people drift apart
like continents which once fit together
puzzle pieces.
letting go of the door,
retreating.

was what I had said.
I was a child who would give their life
to spend time with you, but
you were a man with no time for me.

you were the largest star,
and I was the smallest
in the constellation of our family.
you held us together,
through comets that tried to break us apart.
I was merely a speck of light
who brightened up your world,
but I wanted to be so much more.

you were a trail,
and I was the footsteps.
you directed me where to go,
but along the way,
you disappeared into the forest of bustling trees,
leaving me
scared,
lost,
alone.

you were the king of ants,
and I was a speck of dirt.
you worked so hard
to reach to the top.
you would carry burdens of problems
that were ten times your size,
and never give up
until you finished the task.

you were a doctor,
I was a child.
you poked needles into their skin,
them begging you to save them.
But I poked you with my small finger,
begging you to see the scribbles on my paper
that resembled our complicated, yet unique family.

you are a planet,
and I am an electron.
and we both spin around
in endless orbits.
we may only meet
every once in a while,
but that’s okay.
our hearts still beat
at the same time.
The blood running along our veins
are still the same type.
We are still connected.

You are a father,
and I am a daughter.
you were doing everything
to keep the food on the table,
to keep the family happy,
to see me smile.
Even if you may not show it,
even if you may not say it,
i feel it.

and if there is anything you should remember
from my mess of actions,
it's that i've always meant to say,
“I love you.”

time is supposed to heal,

i guess enough hasn't passed yet.



i still remember the warmth of your hand

but now they've gone cold

i remember the color of the sky

reflecting off of your young eyes

but now they've gone old



weather changes mood

and where there was once color in the sky

has now turned to grey because

you reflect the sky

but the sky reflects you back

your neon shirts splashing orange and yellow

are nowhere to be seen

and the sun has the dullness

of three million bulbs in series.



bulbs...

     series...



remember electronics?

we learned about creating connections together.

we learned how to make sparks

and how to create songs

each note was essential

for creating the best melody.

we learned what it meant to be a closed circuit,

a close family.



but now the bulbs have shattered.

the cracked glass pierces my skin, and the blood,

the blood is dripping,

ringlets staining my shirt

the way your soul stained mine.



and i find it funny

how you can change so easily

how i feel,

how i act,

because you are my weather

leading me through the days.

and i used to feel so selfish

because whenever it would rain,

i kind of liked it

because i was no longer crying alone.



but now it's constant.

again it's raining,

the sky is fading,

the clouds are huddling,

my mind is muddling,

there's blurs of puddles.

holding memories i want to let go.



let go,

let me go,

let this end,

let        me

f   o   r   g   e   t .



the eyes are the windows to the soul,

and when i look in to your windows i see



n o t h i n g.



because your eyes are not you

and your clothes are not you

and your smile is not you

and you, just you, are not who you are



and i miss you.



time is supposed to heal

but i guess it wasn't enough for you.