My eyes open to darkness
As I frantically reach for safety.
It was only a dream, I think,
When I finally grasp my duvet.
Tears glaze my tired eyes;
These nightmares are all too familiar.
My mind never rests.
My anxiety never alleviates.
Life's not been easy.
I've seen so much, experienced
Such grief, such tragedy.
I want to be comforted.
I want you to be here.
You know how to make me strong.
But I can't find you, even though
I keep reaching for you.
You're stealthy, you've slipped away.
I'm lost in my nightmares;
You've left me alone.
I just wanted the security of your presence.
I just wanted to hear your heartbeat.
To feel your chest move with every breath.
To listen to your deep voice soothe me.
To have your hand wipe my tears.
But I have to comfort myself,
For you will never be back.
And I will resort to being distrusting,
Closed off,
Emotionless,
So I don't have to feel this emptiness.
This loss of you that you promised I'd never feel.
My eyes close, another tear spilling down my cheek.
As I try to travel to the nightmares in my dreams,
To drown out the nightmare of my reality.

Last night I had a nightmare,
a nightmare I could not bear.
They took me like they did you,
and there was nothing I could do.

No one knew they were coming,
how awful the world was becoming.
We stayed where we are,
as we had no where to go afar.

But I got a sense they were approaching.
Our home,
they were soon encroaching.
They charged in with machine guns,
“Into a line!” they dunned.

We were like sheep,
in the corner I weep.
The wolves hunted us down,
and the rest didn’t make a sound.

A million possibilities flashed past my mind.
Fear is all I had felt,
and it swallowed me from inside.
Clutching on to my father’s hand,
I fulfilled their every demand.

With a startle,
I woke,
the nightmare,
I didn’t want to evoke.

My night terrors were just the tip,
of the iceberg ****** emit.
The sensation I was exposed to,
the vulnerability
to this hostility,
is nothing compared
to how you were bared.

Bare of your dignity,
along with everyone else in the vicinity.
Bare of your freedom,
like a prisoner in a kingdom.
Bare of your esteem,
A monster, you were deemed.

How I never wanted to experience,
the result an evil influence.
But knowledge we seek,
from its original source,
we attempt to reap.

We say we comprehend,
but the time is misspent.
For we try and try to understand,
but we never will,
we never can.

Five A.M.
I wake up gasping
Crying, Shaking
nightmares

You
I was talking to you
For the first time in a while
nightmares

That wasn't so bad
But then you told me
You hated me
nightmares

No, no.
I couldn't take that
I woke up sobbing
nightmares

Five thirty A.M.
Writing this down
So maybe, I won't have more
nightmares?

I know a girl
Who sits behind a computer screen
Wondering if she's worth something

I know a girl
Who stares into space trying to think of reasons
Why people should care if she fades like the seasons

I know a girl
Who is broken more than she can comprehend
Who cuts and scars more when she tries to mend


I am a girl
Who could just cry -- I could just cry
When I see that maybe my words matter
Maybe there are people who like what I write

i write all day like an adult,
i am learned and i use big words
and i know how to accurately craft
a metaphor about pain and harm.

but at the end of the day
i return to childlike phrases,
“it’s not fair,” and i feel more
of a release from that than
a composition notebook
filled from cover to cover
with a million different ways
of saying that i still,
despite everything,
am not happy.

Anxiety
A ball of prickling fire tearing beneath my sternum.
Fear
A bolt of electric ripping through my veins.
Depression
A cloud so thick is suffocates my soul.
Anorexia
Starving the outside from within.
Bulimia
Inhaling the world and purging it back.
Failure
Being crushed by society for all of the above .....

And still wondering why oh why is it me???

Why?

Well, hello!
Nice to meet you,
I welcome you to come see

The Land of the Words,
That's within you and me

Tell me, what is it?
What words do you seek?
Are you trying to vaguely describe all the bleak?

Well, come in!
We’ve got it,
A library of words
To use at the times where yours just never work

We’ve got, you name it
Every word that there is
Obscure, slick and slimy
Eternal and bliss

Or maybe enlightened
Audacity, please?
Do they properly describe your
Brown dungaree jeans?

No worries, don’t fret
Don't think I'm done yet
Sit back and hold on,
Those words, you'll regret

Bungalow, bushy, cabal and unclean
Tremendously, vacant
And blindly obscene

Tattered and broken
Lies and Unspoken
Do they speak to you mind,
Like they are a foretoken?

Cataclysms with dark exorcisms
Punk, goth and metal
And hooliganism?

Tell me, what is it
The library goes on
I’ll talk your ears off
From dusk until dawn

Patiently, potent
Absurdly, outspoken
Is that how you’ll describe,
A bright golden token?

Charismatic, kick, addicts
Your thoughts are a savage
Discombobulate, ravage
The words can be baggage

Keep looking, it’s there,
Every word, and I swear
They exist to make circles
Out of regular squares