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circus clown Apr 2017
To my dear friends who have followed and supported me on this website,
after about a year or two of not being able to write more than a poem every few months at most, I decided enough is enough and I need to get back into the swing of things.
Which I will be doing on a new account! Clean slate and all.
I wanted to let all of you know that you have all been an important part of me growing into myself as a writer and a person, I could not have survived without coming on here every day and writing about anything I was going through and knowing I had an infinite supply of support.
If you still would like to keep up with me, I'll be leaving a comment on this post from the new account so you can find it.
And even if you don't, I still want to say thank you, so much, for being a part of such a special part of my existence.
circus clown Jan 2017
section 1: the part of me that is ready and angry
thicker, calloused skin, sharper teeth, a louder voice to yell at you when the day comes, although
i am not decided on whether to scream "WHY?" or "*******"
this part of me doesn't care about the judge or jury
i'm there to serve red hot rage on a silver platter
i'm burning with enough emotion to be proved an honest victim
why am i on trail?
force me into something to prove it's happened before, it's not fair and i'll punch and kick until everyone in the ******* courtroom regrets doing this to me

section 2: the part of me that's soft and terrified
i have been naked for months
everyone pretends not to notice, but i see the way they blush when i walk into a room
i hear them whispering, "if she didn't want this, why did she ever take off her clothes in the first place?"
i've said it before, and i'll say it again: i didn't have a choice
i'm transparent, therefore, afraid that the second our eyes meet you'll know that i feel like i've done YOU wrong
what a laugh, in the face of anyone else, but you
i'm afraid that when i open my mouth to tell the judge what you did to me, it will sound a lot like me asking you not to be angry for telling
for someone who was taken advantage of, getting "justice" feels
a lot like
how am i supposed to heal from this when i get a letter in the mail once a month saying i have to testify against him, only to learn they have postponed the date. this has been going on for a year and a half and i'm tired
i just need it to happen already, so i can see whichever side of me comes out and deal with the damage accordingly
i don't even care about his sentence or punishment at all, just end this for me please
circus clown Jun 2016
i can be the right kind of brave too.
circus clown Mar 2016
I'm done bleeding blood, I'm way past that now
I'm bleeding concussions, hostile glares, and snarling defiance
I'm bleeding provocation
Radical softness has never been for me, no matter how hard I tried
I have too many rough edges to smile at you and pretend I'm not backed into all your corners
I've had too many guns to my head, next time I see one
It'll be me that pulls the trigger
I've heard the words "wrong number" too many times while listening to a familiar voice
You know I'm all for making mistakes out of old friends and finding mistakes to blame for my recklessness so it's no surprise I don't feel guilty
It's everyone's fault but my own and I'm not agreeing with you, I'm defining myself
By myself
Like Lisa when she said "I'm playing the villain, baby, just like you want"
I'm not crazy, I'm not insane I swear
I'm just interrupted
I'm bleeding growth, strength, in nothing less than what comes natural
An instinctive evil
And if the wound is the portal, I'm glad you aimed for my head and not my heart this time
circus clown Mar 2016
Not a poem, more of an update.

Basically, I'm back! I'll be posting here again regularly.

Also, 99% of the poems I posted here were about one boy. We ended up becoming best friends and it turns out he's actually a horrible person. Just thought it was kind of funny to log into this account and look at all my old poems and think "******* I didn't even know him at all" and thought y'all might get a kick out of that too. It's weird how things end up.

Let me know who's still around! I assume most of my regular followers completely forgot about me haha. Just wondering if I'm talking to no one here.

Either way, I'm glad to be back and I hope you all enjoy what I have to put out here.
circus clown Mar 2015
i've been feeling, lately,
like i can't write because the
weight of your goodbye
has fogged up my head
far worse than it was
when i used to lay in my
old driveway and imagine
the weight of your truck
against my chest.
typed out easily with a
smiley face at the end of it
just to tell me that your
departure from me does not
weigh heavy on your heart.
you didn't mean it that way.

the thing is, i wrote about you
day and night the last time
you clouded up my mind
but i still choked on the air
you always made so heavy
around me the next time we
spoke, so maybe this won't
do my any good.
i try to act like it doesn't hurt anymore but it does.
i think you really cared.
circus clown Feb 2015
this morning, i awoke with a million different things swimming through my brain's waves and wiring that all could be summarized in only four words, picked at, scraped down, and peeled off completely raw:
my heart is hurting.

if the people at that party could physically see it in action, it would be on it's hands and knees, crawling to the nearest and darkest corner to hide in. no one seems to think you deserve me and no one has any patience and no one is waking up this morning, clutching their knees to their chest at the thought of the curve of his smile, making me want to meet god just so i could thank him for it.  

and i think it's almost insane, the way this world works. how i stayed on the porch with him until the sun came up even after he said he'd only stay for a little while. how we talked so loudly of loneliness but hadn't even slightly exhaled the word itself. how he's a figment of my past but he made my world feel new again. how all of the people that want me around are pushing me away because of the way he leaves me and showing their teeth because of the way i want him despite that- there is no kindness here- when the reason it hurts is because he is the most warm, tender person and understands the same thing about me.

it's a dog-eat-dog world and i am a 16 year old human, eating a burrito over the kitchen sink in my underwear at 5 o'clock, monday morning.
you knew and know that i was and am there and here for you to talk and cling to.
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