as a kid, I was excellent at mathematics
& decided 7 was my lucky number
due to it's being prime, a number
that did not fit or divide evenly with anything,
as it was for me with friends--

i've skipped day seven
and find it interesting that
with time, i'm now drawn more to 8,
the infinite purpose and divinity
found in the ability to continue on
despite the odds,
a finite existence turned mystical
as the lion of Strength
closes his mouth
and does not speak his needs this day--

the wispy spider whispers in my ear
the secrets to eternity,
this obtuse circling of a star that has long passed
i wonder what my purpose is--

i wish i was not so aggressive with you,
my need for your improvement haunts me
as i want to be held and comforted
as i've never known, a feeling i've tasted
and long for deeply--

us humans are not taught to love ourselves,
to really nurture our own hearts
& minds, to know what is is we seek
to the furthest reaches of the galaxies,
we settle, don't question, don't find

& i want more--

you say life
has beaten and stung you.
you say it’s left you
without a breath.
you say the rain
keeps falling
that sunlight never comes.
you cry yourself to sleep
every night in bed.
you whine when things
start getting rough
because you really
just don’t understand
that pain is sent
to shape you.
to help you grow,
and blossom and bloom.
for those beautiful flowers
that you see drenched in sun
were once pruned too.

backwards progress
like the clock has lost
it's purpose &
decided to join the circus

**** it--

the effort has been perilous and i thought it would be alright just to hear your voice and feel your love and remember what we were working for but i'm stressed and nervous and what if i was wrong and we can't do this and it's just a solo road ahead until the landscape becomes smoother i just don't know--



i want to believe it's going to work out,
but i'm expending energy on it
that i don't have to expend worrying
when i dragged myself through
the grocery store after work and bought yarn,
the simplest of tasks
were the most soul-wrenchingly exhausting
& i want to go to bed--

is this what we need?
would you be better without me?
would i be better without you?
it hurts me to even ask
since i'd like to believe
i know what love feels like
but then maybe i'm not a good example--


there's this place
in my head far away,
my higher self lives there
in this magic forest,
Totoro and i could be kindred spirits
of thick, moist forest air
that rejuvenates the soul
just to smell the abundance,
the lust for everything & want for nothing--

i'd like to say things are getting easier


but i don't know much these days--

a light-headed
easiness is my breath,
finding footing and security
in the simple act
of breathing in
& out--

i am figuring out
what feels good, natural
like the length of leg-hair
that grows with steadfast vibrancy,
a thickness i accept
like the curves of my thighs, touching--

your words bring nurturing comfort,
this feeling of acceptance
& patience in your arms, distant
while i caress my own heart
with sweet nothings,
knowing full well we're both worth it--

scattered thoughts
but run
ning
non-
stop

breathe--

yoga s t r e t c h,

b r e a t h e

b e    h e r e,

finally figuring out
how to focus on what i have,
not the lack--

waking up to your comments
& feel a jolt,
the remembrance of what i'm working for,
or what could be
once i learn

me--