I love you's
Were for goodbyes
They were paired
With apologies
With excuses
With control
I love you's
Meant "I own you"
And now
They mean nothing to me
Unless they hurt

When I was 7 years old
I lost my voice
"They won't believe you"
Ripped the vocal chords
From my throat
And buried them beside
My innocence
Years I spent
Blowing smoke signals
Drawing maps in my veins
Begging for help silently
Inwardly screaming
Through a sutured mouth
Teeth coated in paint thinner
When I was 19
I found my voice
I dug those vocal chords
Out of the ground
Breaking fingernails around a pen
Writing statements
Filing into court
Spilling truths out of a too full glass
Creating a beautiful mess
I could walk away from
"I believe you"
Rang through my ears
Into eternity
And tucked me in at night
Safely in a home he didn't live in
"I believe you"
Rang like church bells
Announcing my salvation
My safety, my safekeeping
"I believe you"
Rang like police sirens
Promising to lock the pain away
To protect and serve me always
I believe you. I believe you. I believe you.

The moon and the star
Laid back in the sky
Discussing their grievances
"I am just a lifeless rock"
Said the moon
"At least you never have to die"
Said the star
"Yes, but you are at least shiny and dead."

And with out question,
My heart of glass in my palms,
I dropped it and watched it shatter,
So I could hold your beer.

Truth is not beautiful
When spoken without thought
This was not a treasure chest
I held the key for
Rather one I found propped open
It was not earned
Nor mine to claim
Yet I find myself filling my pockets
With the trinkets and gold
That come tumbling out of your mouth
Ground between teeth
Leaving your speech unintelligible
I will bury this beneath my own treasure
Leaving a map for you
To never use

How easy it is to forget that we are needed
And how sad we cannot see those that gather
When it is time to say goodbye

You are afraid that if you are happy
It will hurt too much if you lose it
Grief fills the space where the happiness was,
To not feel either is just to be empty