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Nobody Sep 2019
I find it harder and harder to wake up  in the morning not because im lazy or I dont want to go to school. Its solely because im tired; tired of opening my eyes and realizing that Im still here  that i havent been granted my single wish from that one person we call "god". That i have to live through another day in the dark abyuss you call home. I never wanted this life, to be this *******- montser my own mother hides away in her closet, I long for the day i can be happy.  Where i can feel love for the first time. I dont belong here. You see the other day while you all slept, I stayed awake. Its nothing unusal on my part. I live in the dark, sad and alone. Its where ive always been, all ive ever known. That night, this darkness was deeper than before as i sat on my bed and cried my nightly tears I stared into the darkness, looking for my hands Until i rasied them and the tiny sliver of light from my window reflected off my old trusted friend. The cold rusted piece of metal felt right in my hands. It gave me this happiness ill never understand. I shine the glare on my upper leg the lines of dispointment and shame show- themselfs as i read through them; Oh the story they tell.  I know what they all mean I remember every scar and why they lay upon my skin, its a sad story they hold. This one right here the crooked small one Thats the one that started it all. Or this one The wide long dark one twords the end The day i found out i was nothing more than a usless bag of roting flesh to her, that i'll be alone forever.  Thats the one ill never forget Because even to this day I rememeber her sweet soft voice yell at me in the middle of the lunch line to leave her alone. As much as i dont want to remember, no amount of alcohol can fill in the gap she left open Each and every line i read gets me into this rage i cant control Wanting to blame everyone for my problems but i know i caused them myself. I squeze that thin sheet of happiness in my fist and i feel this pain race up my arm  When i let go, my palm is full of this beautiful liquid that remind me im still human. To you it might not seem like much  But to those who understand that unwriten languge you read in the blood "If only this was enough to end your pain, im sorry im insifishant" Its morning now These thoughts have held me back from being happy for once. What is there to do now? Nothing. I have to wait my turn again Oh well, im already used to the feeling of disapointment. I clean myself off in the bathroom right before i look into the mirror. Theres no way to decribe that feeling you get when you look in your eyes and see all the wrong youve ever done.  "Its late, they'll wake up soon" i tell myself  under my breath. I rush to my phone and open to the screen shot of the day i got a taste of what love is. I reread the single reply over and over in my mind before i hear the russle of blankets from the thing my mother decribes as her only son that lays a sleep less than a foot from my bed. "I...i love you"  I try to remember the sound her mouth made as she studered that phrase. " Its time "  I get up from my soon to be death bed and put on my mask before anyone sees The same mask i made myself several years ago. Theres cracks and chips, yes But thats what makes it so uniqe. People try peaking into see my hell. So I do what any scared human would do, push them away. So far they give up and walk away. Im at school, its lunch. I open the door leading into the stair well and i see her. My last hope  Right before she sees me, i count  1...2...3 I remove my mask and hide it  Im shaking shes the first to see whats under. All the years of lonelines will hopefully end today when i show her my heart. Sadly They didnt. They seemed to get lonelier now  "Ding, ding" I dont want to go home I see her car outside waiting for me I feel the vibration in my pocket , I know its her.  I walk slowly down those steps leading to the front.  As i open the door to the outside theres this hope that flutters in my heart the hope i get to see her one last time before i go.  My puples dilate and the sudden blindness fades away  Only to show nobody there. Im "home" now. Theres nothing i can do anymore I just wait here for my time to come.  Its bed time already and i open back to the picture "I...i love you" Thats all i need. The sounds began to fade into the dark  I see her.  No more than a arm away theres nothing around but us. I watch her lips move "I...i love you"  I hear her more vivid than ever tonight. My eyes slowly open Instintly tears rush down the side of my face landing onto the pillow. And so it begans again..
I wish you felt the same again, that we were together in the end.
Nobody Aug 2017
Its when i wake up cold and afraid,
When i have a bad dream and i lay there hopeless,
When i look at the empty chair across the table as i eat in the morning,
When i come home tired from work and all the lights are off,
When i eat a luke warm tv dinner watching Family Feud,
When i  drive around at night to clear my mind and reatching to my right to find nothing there.

I hate being alone.
I dont want to live anymore.
Nobody Oct 2016
You are my sole prize in life,
You've given me a motivation
I hold it close to my heart.
Each and everyday i awake to your eyes,
In my dreams
At night i slumber in your soul.
You've been gone for over a year now
Its been a lifetime of hell
I cant remember a day without the thought of you
Your name give me chills with just a whisper

But

I hate how you make me feel
I cant live my life
You destroyed me
i owe thousands
You broke my heart
I couldn't afford the coffin
I had to tell our son that his mommy isn't coming back all because daddy got into a fight over money.
You made me leave
You asked more than i cant give
A man could only give you so much
I have nothing
I have no one.
Im not fit to care for our child

I need you.
Nobody May 2023
My heart is shattered, like glass on the ground
My love, my joy, lost and never to be found
The pain is real, and it cuts to the bone
Leaving me feeling empty and alone

I gave you my all, my heart and my soul
But you left me here, broken and cold
I thought our love was strong, and would never die
But now I see, it was all just a lie

The memories we shared, now bring me pain
And the tears I cry, are all in vain
I wish I could turn back time, and make it right
But it's too late, and we've lost the fight

So I'll pick up the pieces, and try to move on
But the memory of you, will never be gone
I'll find a way to heal, and love once more
But for now, my heart is shattered, and my soul is sore.
Instead of death I decide to write, I truly wish to be dead Instead
Nobody Sep 2017
Ive joined dateing sites,
Ive seen hundereds of females of all size and shape, national origin, skin colour, and beliefs.
Swipe
Swipe
Swipe
Messege after messege,
hellos and goodbyes.
Swipe
Swipe
Swipe
I look at each face and stare into their eyes and think to myself,
"will she make me happy?
Swipe
Swipe
Swipe

Stop.

My heart begins to desend to the lowest viod in my soul.

Its you.
Its been months since ive seen you,
My heart can not take it anymore.
We live in the same city,
No more than a few blocks away.
You were my world, and now youre gone.

But you're right here,
Behind this tiny screen.
The closest ive been in a while.

As i read your bio,
whatever that is left of my heart that still remains in my chest, slowly crumbles into dust word after word.
I feel as it floats away in the dark emptiness of my mind.

You look happy.
I hate every last bit in my soul. I have nothing, no one. Im just a nobody.
Nobody Apr 2018
Its called manic depression.

When im riding that beautiful and fierce high, it feels like nothing will ever stop me. As if nobody could drop me fore i was floating away in the stars where nobody can touch me.

But atlas, we must all abide by the law of phsyics, every humans greatest weakness.  we all know the dreded saying, "Once something goes up, it must always come down."

I never know what causes me to fall, it could be a word; to a voice. A phrase; to a smile. A song; to laugh. Nothing; to a smell.
Its this free fall into a never ending abyuss of hopelessness. Things that made me happy just moments ago, push me farther down below.

There is no fighting it, its not as simple as reaching my hands out and asking for help. Im binded together by my hands and feet, with a thick layer of duck tape covering my lips. Striping me of my dignity.

Its a constant struggle, suicidal tendencies reep across the corner, ready to pounce.
But somehow I manage to keep myself alive.
Somehow im still here.
Ive grown attached to loneliness.
Nobody Aug 2018
I grew up in a religious home,
they implemented this dream
that one day ill be come a priest
And it was the only way to make them happy.

I lived this silly dream up until the end of 5th grade when i realized,
There is no god.

Fore how can a man of such holy stature commit all these heinous crimes against his own "children".
I was 10 years old when i realized i had enough, that my voice needed to be heard.

They dont talk about little boys getting molested, almost intentionally looking away as if it never happens.

Us boys are taught a long list of rules from a young age to never cry, never show fear, never back down, just a whole lot of nevers.

But I was never taught to deal with a grown man inside me.

Believe me it hurt, it hurt more than any pain i have felt to this day.
What made it worse was the one inside me, my father.

At first it started off innocent enough, he was drunk and didnt know what he was doing.
But it soon progressed into a side business he ran under the table
"20 dollars, 20 mins"

At 8 years old, brandy became my best friend. She was the only thing that numbed my pain, although forced down my throat so I wont fight back, I learned to enjoy the burn.

A year later i went to my first party.
Months of getting beat down and broke all was ment for this day.

23 guys; one boy.
I still feel your touch, and it burns.
I hate myself for looking exactly like you father.
Nobody Apr 2022
Im in need of a tether
Something to keep me from going
From this world to the next.

So I attach myself to every
Attainable object or emotion
or person.

In hopes, maybe they'll help me.
Maybe hold me so i dont float away
into the knight.

So far everything I've attached myself too has let me drift on to another,
Making me feel more worthless than any other.

I just want someone to love me, to acknowledge that I'm here, but when will I find the one who will love me without fear.

Until thay day, I continue to drift into the knight waiting for my light.
I miss your voice the most.
Nobody May 2020
Oh little love, little love!
Where have you gone?
I looked high and low
Little love where did you go?

Oh little love, little love
Your hair so bright
Red like an apple
Yet dark as night.

Oh little love, little love
Where have you gone?
I looked high and low
Little love where did you go?

Oh little love, little love
Answer me you ****.
Just come out
I promise I won't even hit.

Oh there you are
Little love, little love
Don't be scared
You're alright
Just close your eyes
Dream of a star-filled night.

Little love its time to let go
Feel the air escaping your lungs
It hurts I know but you'll be okay.
Your off to a better place
I hope to see you there.

Little love, your body has gone cold
The cops are on the way
To make us whole again
I hope I don't stay
A ghost in the walls bored all-day

Here they are little love
With a raise of my hand
And a defining screech  
I hope they send me to
where the devil creeps.

Goodbye, little love, we had a good time
maybe in the next life
or the one after that
well, be together again without you dying.
My mind is a scary place, I think too much, thoughts that no normal human should feel. Life is like a walking shadow, there isn't anything there yet we acknowledge it.
Nobody Apr 2019
I say I love you
too much when I'm
drunk, but how cant
I say I love you?
Maybe I love you
too much.

Your presence gives
me hope.
It sobers me up
enough to muster a
hello.
How can I live in the present if everything I want is in the past.
Nobody Feb 2019
Although the suns glare shines bright
as the seasons change a new
I feel so empty without you.
Are you sad because you're alone? Or are you alone because you're sad?
Nobody Oct 2017
I miss your voice the most.
it brought me this indescribable happiness,
so pure, so honest.

Please Forgive Me
I Forgive You
I Love You
Thank You
Goodbye

We are told to say this to a dying loved one.
Its been burned in my mind.

Please Forgive Me
I Forgive You
I Love You
Thank You
Goodbye

I gave you my heart, my soul,
my body and my mind.
You gave me hope, love,
completion and purpose.

Please Forgive Me
I Forgive You
I Love You
Thank You
Goodbye

For the first time in my life I couldn't
wait to go to sleep once I got home,
not because i was lazy
or due to lack of sleep.
Something wonderful and amazing happened to me.

I didn't have to hide in my mind,
dreams couldn't, wouldn't, compare to reality.

I was exited to be alive,
every morning id leap out of bed and whisper your name under my breath.

Please Forgive Me
I Forgive You
I Love You
Thank You
Goodbye

I've lost everyone, and everything
that meant something to me.
I'm getting closer to death.

Please Forgive Me
I Forgive You
I Love You
Thank You
Goodbye.
I hope to see you soon.
I don't want to live anymore.
No.
Nobody Jan 2019
No.
I didn't consent to being born.
Nobody Jun 2019
Dulling cultivation of thoughts surround me as i limp in agony. Pushing me as far as ive pushed those who meant something to me. Did i protect them from myself destructive temperament or use it as an excuse too.
Cant do this anymore.
Nobody Aug 2020
I watched my father die and i felt nothing.
Nor remorse or sadness.
I stood above his Deathbed and saw a stranger.
I'm sorry dad, I miss you.
Nobody Nov 2018
How can I be there for
Everyone if my  
Loneliness
Prolongs the

Morning and  
Evolving into sadness,

In turn absolutely
Mortifying,

Sacredness is beyond
Common practices
Almost taboos, possibly  
Rare to what the eye can
Ever deem comprehendible
Demanding of death.
Help me im scared.
Up.
Nobody Feb 2020
Up.
I dont know if you remember that night at the park after prom.
We layed together on the hood of my car, it
was 2am and we were just there looking up at the stars.
I remember you telling me that there are trillions upon trillions of stars in our universe and that each one represented a reason why you loved me.

Each reason you listed seemed more ridiculous than the last.

I think alot about that night,
I think about the diffrent outcome of events if I told you that each of those stars is dead by the time it reaches our visual prowels.

Just like how you saw me.

I could tell things were changing,
Our frequent phonecalls became less frequent and more rare than anything

The texts kept getting shorter and shorter.

Your smile was gone

I felt alone in your presence
I knew this was it
I miss my love, she IS my everything.
You
Nobody Mar 2023
You
I was good, I was kind, I gathered my mind and soul for the thought of you
I hurt myself for you, I got in trouble and stepped out of my comfort zone for you. I was good to you, I was there for you, I was everything you've ever wanted and yet this is how you treat me?

Where were you when I needed you? I know where I was when you needed me because I was right next to you. The entire time we lasted I tried my hardest for you, your effort was nonexistent, say what you want, and create your own narrative but I was there loving you to the max.

I try to move on and live my life alone and yet you still taunt me. Rubbing salt in the wound to make it bleed and burn. I will not give you the satisfaction of knowing I'm in pain and I will show you no face, just my back.

— The End —