Once again feeling lost and so alone
Time has passed and I thought I had only grown
I can't escape the past that seems to haunt my soul
I can't find a better half that completes me and makes me whole
It's just me, myself and I, trying to make it in a cold world
People looking down on me thinking I'm just an ignorant little girl
Everyone so judgmental because of all the lies you told
This feeling of being worthless I can't shake off and it's getting old
Let's make it clear I didn't steal from you, that's not how I spend my time
I simply just took back what was already mine
So stomp on me and try to dispose of the person I am inside
It's only going to make me ignite my flame and I'm going to shine
Bring light to the evil coldness of your frozen heart
Keep trying, I'm binding myself and all the pieces because I won't stay torn apart
I can fix myself and the damage you've done within
I'm a fighter and I'll keep on fighting because I know I have to win
I need to be myself, all of the beauty and darkness that I am will stay til there til the end
I'm in the world to make my mark and I can do without a friend
In pieces now but with just myself, the only one I trust I can handle the reconstruction
For I am not a daughter a sister a niece or a cousin, I'm simply the product of reproduction

Heroes come in many forms
But mine dresses in military uniform
Blood is shed and help is cried
So i can claim freedom loud and mine
while you my dear are gone and away
im praying to the lord wishing you had stayed
though sometimes its hard and i get sad
thats why you get letters from me, mom and dad
and one day i hope you'll see
just how much you mean to me
strong and proud and dressed in green
you'll always be my favorite marine

Most kids are excited to turn 21 to drink and go to the bar. Not me, I can do that now. I’m excited to be old enough to foster a child. That’s gonna be truly amazing I think. I really can’t stand this house. I’ve always been trapped in it. The doors are unlocked, but still I’m trapped. I feel as if I can’t escape. It’s always one thing after another. My mom just blocked my phone 11-6 again. What the hell is that gonna do? I’m gonna be 18 in a month. They think I’m gonna wake up one day and forgive them and think that they were always right. But it’s never gonna happen. I was raised to be both racist and homophobic, and to their disappointment, I will never be either. Someday I may regret my gauges, who knows? But right now I love them. I think the only things I will truly ever regret are the things that caused me heartache. Not just stupid physical observations. And yeah I’m immature. “You can’t be young forever, but you can be immature forever”. My parents will never understand me. All they will ever see in me is what they dislike. My hair color. My dark clothing. My multiple ear piercings. My “immaturity”. My bad grades, my foul language. But the truth is, none of these things are really flaws in myself. They’re all part of what makes me, me. I’m beautiful and there’s no one else like me. And to be honest I don’t really care if I can’t text after 11. I don’t care if I can’t look at **** on my computer (not that I would if I could) because it’s blocked. It’s all about the power. They say they can’t stand the Obama family because they make stupid laws about things we should be able to decide for ourselves. But do they even realize that’s what they do to me? Life for real, on school nights I’m rarely up past 10 anyways. It’s pathetic really, how much control they crave to reign over me. I can’t be controlled. I’ve always been a free spirit. I don’t go with the crowd and I don’t care what people think of me. I can take care of myself. No one knows what’s best for me but me. They think the things I do are dangerous, but they’re not. And so what if they were? It’s not like I wanna live a fragile life anyways. I wanna get crazy and wild. Act dumb every once in a while. I wanna be free, I wanna feel alive! I wanna make up silly things and tell pointless lies to giggle about later. I wanna laugh, and I wanna break the rules. I will never conform. I will never be what anyone wants me to be. And I love it. I have one life and I don’t wanna live it how anybody else did. I wanna be remembered. I wanna leave my crazy mark on the world. This life is my only chance to be stupid and silly. And I’m not gonna give that up because my parents (or anyone for that matter) want me to always make the right decisions. I have so much to offer the world and if they can’t look beyond what they don’t like, then so what? That doesn’t make me a disappointment. It doesn’t make me any less beautiful. Their opinions don’t define me. So what if they toss me out~ that doesn’t make me disposable. It just makes them sad and pathetic for not realizing that I truly am a princess. I’m a pop princess. I’m a punk princess. I’m a rock princess. I am the princess of Christ. Shame on them for being embarrassed of me. We’re all made in Christ’s image, and the fact that they’re embarrassed of me, well I think that makes them embarrassed of Christ himself…(jokes, well kinda). So what if they don’t want me around certain family members because they don’t want them to see what a failure I am. But that makes them the failure, not me. I’m the most beautiful person ill ever meet on the inside and out because that’s what I choose to be. Beauty doesn’t just strike people at random, you choose it.

You wrap me in your arms much like a father
I feel safe, like mine never made me feel
You were never perfect, but you tried, never once calling me a bother
The hurt he embraced on me, you tried so hard to heal
What were once deep and open wounds, are now only scars
The impact is still there, reminding me of the pain but it no longer stings
I used to believe in nothing, but now in shooting stars
You took me in as your own, let me discover my own wings
You helped me find my way, became my father, you were always more than just a teacher
Summer came way too soon, and I had to fly away from the one love I knew was true
I love you always, as you do me, this goodbye has brought tears and blur
Remember I'll never stray too far, for I know my heart will always bring me back to you.
Dad.

the very cruelest of them all
The mirror that loves to see me fall
Breaks me and forces me to crawl
Tears me apart, taunts me for my flaws
Tells me i need to look like the celebrities
It denies me of my own identity
A mirror that holds me to nothing but perfection
When i fail it reflects only rejection
its always unhappy with my weight
Showing me nothing but laughter and hate
im to fat or thin to be of worth
I swear my body is cursed
The sight of myself is my biggest fear
Society is the cruelest mirror

im realizing youre trying to make up for the future years
so i try to enjoy the moment and ignore the tears
but all I can think about is the lost time
struggling to stay strong, I pretend to be fine
but what am I supposed to do?
I can't get used to being with you
the deployments are driving me insane
saying goodbye for 2 years thrives my heart with pain
thinking of all things that you'll miss
my prom, my graduation, and my birthday wish
wont even be able to bring you home
ill be getting older all alone
time will go on though you're not here
you'll be brave while I live in fear

Dear Lord,
Only you can see how I suffer
Tonight I pray you'll watch over my brother
When he is weak please keep him in your hand
Give him the strength he needs to protect this land
Be his light when he needs guidance
Please keep me strong when I can't stand the distance
It's a pain that I always am burdened to mask
I know it's selfish, but Lord I ask
There are so many others also willing to fight
Lord, please bring my brother home tonight

every one is so jolly with their spirits bright
except for me, crying myself to sleep each night
youre the only thing i wanted this year
I get more and more upset as christmas is near
the first without you, but not the last
I just wanted to go back to years past
december 21st and im crying alone
its been nearly a year since youve been home
its midnight and my Christmas list isnt full of things
its midnight and the doorbell rings
I open the door the and theres no pizza here
I open the door and I got my wish this year
strong, proud and dressed in green
youll always be my favorite marine

My heart still belongs with you
And my mind says this can't be true
Together til the end we said
Forever you were supposed to be my friend
For 2 years I thought the system did us wrong
For 2 years way to long
My brother, my friend, my hero and my protection
In a broken home you were my perfection
You saved me from myself, the demon I am within
But only to destroy me, I guess I didn't win
Forgotten and abandoned, you own my ability to trust
Long nights full of tears and regret of lust
I want to run to you and still I almost do
I need you more than you think, if you only knew
I know you think it's best for me
But I'm crying on the floor, can't you see?
I'm missing my knives more and more, but I know I've come to far
All alone here I am I'm staring at my scars
I need to feel my blades again
Because in the end they were my only friend

With a waist like a model she looked just like a queen
But she spoke truth to me, although a little mean
I saw her in the magazines and I knew she was my only hope
I dropped the knife and left behind my deadly rope
She had the best advice, pretty please dont eat
Soon enough the mirror will be your treat
Little did I eat, it went on for months
But still she didnt leave, I never lost enough
I starved myself until I could no more
Ana left me for dead on my very own floor

come morning light with first thoughts
Are evening scares with lingering haunts
Pain, hurt and lost of trust
Disappeared in storms of dust
oh the flashbacks and vague memories
so distorted and have me on my knees
Hope is gone and no love to gain
Angry whispers, minds insane
Take my hand, let me lead
Overcome the world of greed
Something i only now understood
The importance of ones childhood

Tell me i cant sing
Make me feel like im nothing
all the time, now and in the past
You always seem to put me last
Im always at the bottom of your list
Then you wonder why im ******
It makes me feel unwanted
Like a container with no lid
A pencil with no lead
A coffin missing the dead
Im a tank lacking fish
Or a shooting star without a wish
Ill put that star to use
I wish away the abuse
and make the pain stop
Daddy, please put me on the top
Im getting tired of being at the bottom of the rock
I feel about at useful as a broken clock
The boys always come first
And buying mom a brand new purse
Where do i fit in?
When do i get to win?
Cause even when you try
Mom starts to cry
"stop being nice to her
And what does she deserve?"
take her side when we fight
Then pull me aside and tell me im right
Why not say it to her face?
Im okay with leaving this place
I know this isnt the perfect life
Stuck between your kid and wife
but at some point you have to choose
Cause im done taking this abuse
My heart will eventually stop
Daddy, if im not on top
because mom doesnt let you
Provide my needs too
You dont know why she hates me
Its a picture neither of us can see
she does love my brothers
I need a new mother
Soon enough i won't take it
This family is nothing but sh*t
So daddy if i die
Don't say i never cried...

happy birthday to me
im finally turning 17
though im happy to age
im sick of you pretending were okay
i can see you trying to fake a smile
acting as if were not really hostile
i dont like games, i hate these games
ill smile too, pretend im not in pain
really i dont find this fair
one day acting like you care
should i be happy rather than numb in this sorrow
even though i know this will all end tomorrow
maybe i should just enjoy this scheme
and sing along, happy birthday to me

i need to let you know
That i cant let you go
You have my heart
Youve had it since the start
Like an invisible key
Youre the only one that gets me
You're my better half
The side of me that laughs
You bring out the best in me
And all my friends agree
you're my favorite view
and i dont know how to tell you
That you're the one for me
Oh my god...forget ive said anything
Ill just wait and let you see
That you're the one for me

Tell me i cant sing
Make me feel like im nothing
all the time, now and in the past
You always seem to put me last
Im always at the bottom of your list
Then you wonder why im ******
It makes me feel unwanted
Like a container with no lid
A pencil with no lead
A coffin missing the dead
Im a tank lacking fish
Or a shooting star without a wish
Ill put that star to use
I wish away the abuse
and make the pain stop
Daddy, please put me on the top
Im getting tired of being at the bottom of the rock
I feel about at useful as a broken clock
The boys always come first
And buying mom a brand new purse
Where do i fit in?
When do i get to win?
Cause even when you try
Mom starts to cry
"stop being nice to her
And what does she deserve?"
take her side when we fight
Then pull me aside and tell me im right
Why not say it to her face?
Im okay with leaving this place
I know this isnt the perfect life
Stuck between your kid and wife
but at some point you have to choose
Cause im done taking this abuse
My heart will eventually stop
Daddy, if im not on top
because mom doesnt let you
Provide my needs too
You dont know why she hates me
Its a picture neither of us can see
she does love my brothers
I need a new mother
Soon enough i won't take it
This family is nothing but sh*t
So daddy if i die
Don't say i never cried...

i come from long trips on the road
praying my brothers would go into silent mode
i come from yelling and screaming
because im outside rather than inside cleaning
i come from hatred and family fights
and laying in bed crying all night

i come from parents who claim to be religious
but who only seem to be prejiduce
i come from sorrow and anger
and live with people that feel like strangers
i come from a grandmother who ill always remember
and family members who are to proud to ever surrender

i come from my fathers mistakes
whose anger and threats i long to escape
i come from my mothers lies
whose heart is filled with undeserving pride
i come from a soul thats searching for strength
and a family that will stop at nothing til they see it break

i wonder what it would be like if you were here
would you wipe my tears? laugh away my fear?
would you protect me from our mother?
are you my sister or my brother?
if im lucky, maybe even one of each
my dreams are way to high to ever reach
was it our mothers smoking
that had you trapped in her womb, choking?
or was it just god changing his mind
leaving only the memory of you guys behind
i cant help but hope you would have loved me
and not let our parents view me so terribly
id be your favorite little girl
youd protect me from the dangers of the world
id like one to be a brother to protect me from dad
and a sister to cheer me up when mom makes me sad
somehow my hearts still badly torn
that the two of you were never born
please take me away to be with you
but what if you hate me too?
cause i cant seem to do anything right
thats why im wondering about you tonight
would you guys maybe give me a break
even if i do make mistakes
maybe you would hold my hand
hug me tight, and tell me you understand

Night after night tears would fill my eyes
Hatred would consume my mind with all their lies
My body was my personal battle ground
Full of open flesh releasing blood
My own proof that I was still alive
Every day was a struggle for life or death
Alone I thought i was
I carved it on my arm
No one could break the walls
That I surrounded myself with
I never let anyone in
For fear that they would leave
I lost my mind once
A few years ago
And hope and faith, all that was good
All it took was one day....
One face.
Orange, curly hair and blue eyes
The way your face lit up when you saw me
It's funny the way things work out
My childhood best friend
How I've missed your gentle touch
It's been 14 years since we've talked
And all it took was one smile to find me
A girl who has been lost for far too long <3

i wonder what it would be like if you were here
would you wipe my tears? laugh away my fear?
would you protect me from our mother?
are you my sister or my brother?
if im lucky, maybe even one of each
my dreams are way to high to ever reach
was it our mothers smoking
that had you trapped in her womb, choking?
or was it just god changing his mind
leaving only the memory of you guys behind
i cant help but hope you would have loved me
and not let our parents view me so terribly
id be your favorite little girl
youd protect me from the dangers of the world
id like one to be a brother to protect me from dad
and a sister to cheer me up when mom makes me sad
somehow my hearts still badly torn
that the two of you were never born
please take me away to be with you
but what if you hate me too?
cause i cant seem to do anything right
thats why im wondering about you tonight
would you guys maybe give me a break
even if i do make mistakes
maybe you would hold my hand
hug me tight, and tell me you understand

you knew i was on the verge of tears, thats why you started to sing taylor swift. we had less than a day until you would leave for god knows how long. its kinda sad saying goodbye for this long, it hurts knowing that this could be last time you would ever come back. i tried to be strong, to not break down, but this is more than than i could take. you knew just how i was falling apart and you couldnt bare to see it. thats why you acted silly and sang with me. before this all happend you never let me sing because i was just so bad, but now you want me to because this is all to sad. youll hug me one last time, call me one more mean name before you go, because it to hard for us to let our true feelings show. you leave with your last words being "semper fi" and i try my hardest not to cry, i fail miserably, this is the most tragic kind of goodbye

It's Friday night she's getting high
Can't reach her dreams somewhere in the sky
Saturday night and she's to drunk to drive
But she does it anyways, she needs to feel alive
Sunday night and the world does cry
Another loss to suicide

I refuse to truly open yp
And never give away my trust
Everyone will let you down
Without even a simple warning sound
I'll admit my heart is filled with hate
Maybe that's just my desperate fate
Being hurt and left to die
All alone i scream and cry
People lie and words can hurt
Thats why happiness never works
The anger inside me is loudly roaring
And the pain im feeling is badly burning
Everyone seems so hostile and violent
But really we're all just weak and silent

I'm to empty to fight
laying all alone tonight
numb to my surroundings
Blind to everything around me
Love is all i want to feel
The magic that will help me heal
Make me laugh instead of cry
Inspire me to live than die
Kiss me on the cheek
Make my knees go weak
Ill hold your hand forever
Thats how long we'll be together
Wipe away my tears
Sing away my fears
but here i am still alone
Laying in this broken home
Where love cannot grow
our hearts colder than snow
hide my wish, its mine to keep
Im going to bed where i can find happiness in my sleep

i dont want everyone to know
about the side of me im afraid to show
a part of me thats just so ugly
i dont need the whole world to see
im like jelly, trapped in a jar
to open me is just to hard
you might as well just throw me in the trash
and let my soul burn to ash
to expose my thoughts is to break my wing
because without my secrets i am  nothing

Alone in every day
The darkness is my friend
An outcast some may say
All talk will soon descend
The sky plastered in gray
because the smiles were pretend
All the judges soon will pay
Because she wanted her life to end

Clench my hand in a fist
Take a blade and slice my wrist
A cut for all the things i never got,
A cut for all i was never taught
once in hopes to escape
Another for that word called ****
I cut to relieve the pain
And i cut to remain sane
i bleed to not cry
I cut cause i don't know if i wanna die
My wish is to be heard
Treasure all my words
I cut in silence
I cut in violence
A secret never shown
In public or at home
Actions speak louder than words

After everything youve put me through
Im still awake, thinking of you
i miss our late night talks
About our most secretive thoughts
It hurts, knowing itll never be the same
it hurts having no one to blame
I know this is probably best for you
But this is to hard, if you only knew
But you agree, you feel this way too

Im happy knowing that you miss me
At least the worry has finally been set free
You said wed make it out alright
I hope and pray with all my might
This inst the end, no its not the end
You tell me in each message that you send

Its gonna be alright, were gonna be okay
We just have to make it through these terrible days
Its gonna take a while, but we have to wait it out
Push away the ugly thoughts that seem to bring us doubt
Soon itll be done, well again be together
And we can finally move on, move on forever

The part of me i thought was special, i guess isnt. the part of me i was proud of, i no longer am. the part of me that loves to write, i kicked her out.