My body or mind is giving me no rest.
Something is wrong and I can't fix it.
I lay in my bed staring at the beautiful blue sky.
My chest burns with the tears I cannot seem to cry,
my hands still tremble from all the things I had to stop myself from doing simply because other people won't accept the love I have for them.
So I **** any butterfly that's still flying inside my stomach,
and I swear myself to never trust again.

Thankfully I love to love.
For now.

Are you crying right now?



It is a funny thing, how fleeting certain feelings are.
As I am left with your absence, my fingers tremble under the moonlight, trying to grasp what is left of you before the sun rise erases the shadows you left me with.
I wrap my arms around myself to stop the butterflies from flying away, but my love, trying to keep you is like trying to catch clouds.

You are a memory, etched on the back of my mind, floating around me like a thick smother. Oh, how I wish you were.
I urgently attempt to inhale you, my darling. The taste of your lips still linger on my tongue, i am still hanging at your lips, swallowing each and every word you verse into my mouth; i swallow, i swallow. I swallow all the knives you throw, slitting my throat, i become silent. I look up, the moon still shining, I smile; how foolish of me to think I could have wanted you forever.

There are nights where I shut my eyes, and I see you; eyes darker than hematite, your skin was earth and your smile was sun. I let you become my entire world, my center, my source. I wanted it.

Now that you’re gone, I am struck by what seems to be reality: a life before you, a life after you. You brought color to my world. A shooting star. A wisp of fresh air. A long awaited breath out of water. And now I sink. Every inch of my flesh used to be teeming with life for you. You made roses bloom in my lungs, thorns scraping my insides with every breath I take. Now I walk alone, in the garden you planted for me.

You are the nectar, I am the bee.

Too beautiful, it was painful. Too short, it was beautiful.

I want to be in love


Rip my heart out
I want to rip my heart out
Pain in my chest
Swore it wouldn’t happen again
Anger is drowning my thoughts
I want to punch walls and sink in the oceans black waves
I want to drive fast and crash into a wall
I want to choke you and spit in your face
I’ll spit all the words I never had the courage to tell you
Something like I love you, or
I loved you. I loved you,
Do you love me too
Do you care for me like I care for you
Do you want me like I want you
Tell me, do you close your eyes and dream about the ways my fingers feel on your cheek
Do you remember where I place my hands while I am breathing my soul into yours
Do you crave my warmth on your darkest nights
I’d say, hey
I’m the most beautiful, wouldn’t you agree
Tell me , am I crazy for thinking you were mine
I’d finish by saying,
You killed my love for you, and now you’re  killing me too.

It was 5am.
“You’re not sleeping?”
I woke up, electricity running up and down my arms,
I curl my legs up closer to my chest and hide under my covers.
I’ll be safe here.
I twist and turn, shake and rock.
Why didn’t you lie?
The bad thoughts keep coming back like magnets.
I wish you lied.
My bones are sinking into my childhood mattress.
“Here we go again,” I know this all too well.
It’s just a chemical thing.
So I’ll just try to get my head straight.
And in the meantime,
I’ll be missing you.

My king.
I'll never forget the butterflies you gave me. You gave me the fireworks i asked for, oh so many times. Yet not of it is real. It is the pure fruit of my imagination, sculpted by my desires, influenced by my fears, drawn by my needs and painted by my wishes. You are nothing and everything. You are an idea, an image, a dream. I have never seen you yet I see you everywhere. You are in the sand on a sunny Monday afternoon. You are in the ocean's black waves, reflecting the moonlight. You are in the words my favorite singer whispers in my ears. You are in my dreams, you are in my dreams.  

But again, the midnight wind takes you away. Except this time, I simply sit on the end of my bed, hands on my chest, as the moon pours its light into my bedroom, and I do not ask the stars for a thing. I hear them, loud and clear: "he's gone, my dear"
I always knew you'd slip away. Believe me, my king. I have thought of holding every piece of you against my chest. Closing my fists as the thought of you slowly flows in between my fingers. Have you ever tried catching a cloud? Trying to keep you is like looking for the end of a rainbow, my love.
I kneel to the ground, and look up at the moon. "I know I have asked too many things of you. I could love him but I know now is not the time. He still smells like home. If not today, tomorrow, but I ask again, old friend; please, let me have him. "

I am afraid of feeling nothing.
For that reason, I desperately look for depth in every moment.
I crave love; the kind which makes your insides rip apart just to come together again. The kind which makes you forget what was and what will be.
Having only one mind to care about is not enough for me. I want to know a second one. I want to swim in the depth of someone else's dark thoughts. Tell me, do you ever feel lonely?
Open up your heart, let me take a dive. I'll memorize each wave and the rhythm of your currents. And when the sun sets, and leaves place for the moon, I will kindly insist that you take a sip of what I have been drunk off. We will strip down, and leave our clothes in the sand as well as all sense of reality. I'll grab your hand and well run into the ocean's black waves, with the moon our only witness. The water wrapped around our naked bodies, melting into one another. We will kiss, like we were put on this earth to do so. I will kiss you until you forget how to breathe.
I will kiss you, I will kiss you, I will kiss you a thousand times.
I will pretend that you feel as deeply as I do. And in the morning, like trying to catch clouds, I will close my fists to try to keep the feeling from slipping away.
Some nights, I will even scream at the moon, knees on the ground, and beg her to tell me: "was it true? Did it happen?"
I don't want to forget.
I don't want to forget.
Don't let me forget.

If I were a scientist
I’d build a time machine
So I could stop time and not have to wake up with the weight of our memories on my chest in the morning.
I’d build a time machine
So that I could go back to the day we met and take a different way home.
I’d build a time machine
So I could go back to the day you wanted to leave, and I’d let you walk away instead.
I’d build a time machine
So that I could kiss you one last time
So that I could wake up to you one last time
So that I could feel your love one last time
I’d build a time a machine
So that I could skip ahead to the day that you are just a memory. The day that I won’t remember the taste of your lips, and what color your bedroom walls were. I’d skip to the day that I don’t love you anymore, and it doesn't hurt to wake up in the morning.