My heart soars
Through open doors
As it climbs
into yours

My soul glowing
radiantly
the brightness showing
and I see

I relish it in it
and it makes me whole.

Dear Love,
Even though you
are not here next to me
your presence lingers
I feel you when I go to sleep

Your scent lingers
when I move the blanket
or roll over on the sheets
I miss your warmth
as I curl up into a ball

Anticipating
your soft embrace
pulling me into your chest
My face snuggled
comfortably at your collar

I drift peacefully off to sleep
knowing that you're holding me
that I am safe

I miss the way you look at me
when you tell me
how much I mean to you

I miss the way you laugh,
the way you kiss,
the way you breathe

I miss your vitality for life
your spontaneity
The way you love me

I miss your face,
your hair,
your body,
your hands,
everything.

I won't be able
to go to sleep
until I hear your voice again
and I will wait impatiently
for the day I'll see
your car in my parking lot
to come to visit

I miss you, Bear.
And I know you are as eagerly
awaiting seeing me as I am you,
and know that it is probably
a more intense nostalgia
for you,
you hopeless romantic,
but who am I, as the ***?
to call the kettle black?

I'm rambling as always.
Call me soon,
I love you
~Your Angel

Why is it
that every time
I believe in love
it spits in my face

How is it
that I trust
and I give
and I understand
and get no respect?

"I understand,
It's okay,
It's alright,
Just don't do it next time,
uh huh,
I believe you,
this time".

Laying on the floor Lying in wake
Waiting for the Blank
that will not come

Can't find the words
that express my face
It's all inside this shell
of Blank_

Dictionary aiding the soul
but is burned in translation
A darkness that fufills the rose
and is Blank devestation.

To express
To create
To release
To share
To unburden
To Blank__.

Sharp angles

pause for the greater effect
of the picture being portrayed
by the puppets who ensue
the damage

Jagged lines
lay still and juxtapose
the sharp angles
in an entangled
bounty of emotional
mess

Arches
sweep across
bridging the destruction
with the emotion and
create meaning
while

Color
brushes itself along
adding a dimention of
clarity and purpose

Circles
which are there for
no reason at all
do not even realize
they are a part of the picture
but pretend that they too
contribute

Texture
pops the colors and the lines
and gives them a realistic
tone and quality

People
who look upon them
do not see the beauty
or the grandeur
or the time
or the raw emotion
or the painstaking amount of work
or the love
or the hatred

They see sharp angles, jagged lines, arches, color, circles and texture out of context
with the world they see,
and so: they see nothing.

As I sit silently,
Observing my room darkening around me,
Hearing the muffled murmurs of passerby,
I wait for the clock to strike upon the nine
for that is when I will be fulfilled.

There is little light
save for the fading light from my window
and the light by which I write
these musings seem dry and empty
of the vigor and posterity of my past.

Austerity and harshness replace
my normally warm and delicate features,
and even my writing feels estranged from me.

My hands that were my hands
do not spring forth a wealth of creativity;
stifling darkness surrounds.

Wallowing is not in my nature
as I remind myself,
and yet here I still lay.

It hurts

to be in a world full of people
and still feel so alone

Friends and shallow conversation
lackluster meaning with a crave for more

I want substance
Depth

I want to pick up the phone
But I know I shouldn't

Fighting that pain in my stomach

I can't help it

I can't do this.

I need to get away.

I'm not sure 100% of the time.

I don't know what I want.

Impulses drive my decisions.

Impulse after impulse
like wave after wave of
Neverending small pulses of electric shock
Just enough to keep you on edge.

Tick, Tick, Boom. Tick, Tick, Boom.

Twitch Twitch

Eyes bloodshot,
No sleep.
No satisfaction. No happiness.
Bah humbug.
Only scrambling to fill the void.

Scrambling, trying to fix,
Trying to cope,
Trying not to disturb the delicate border of
Hurt.

Moving from one quick fix to the next.
Hurry, Hurry. Or you'll feel the pain.
Faster, move faster. Don't stop now or
It will ***** you again.

It'll catch your heels and make
You trip and fall
Skin your knees and hands.
Get up, now run.

Scrambled, Scrambled,
Brain tattered,
Scattered messages,
Mixed and garbled

A calm face. A calm expression.
Calm mannerisms. Completely
without symptoms.

Or so it seems.

And when you go into your room
at night
and no one is left for fear of a fight

And no one speaks and no one comes
to call on you when all is done

No one sees and no one cares
when you break down
They all swear
that it was all your fault,
They shouldn't need
to feel concern
while they watch you bleed

They simply pass you by
another day with another blue sky

They don't feel the pain inside
Oh woe is me, friend that won't confide
Silly, my fault for not speaking,
Who wants to speak when hostility rings?

I won't confide because you don't care
Seldom do you even dare
to pick up your head in an honest hello
or even pick your head up from the pillow

Of the couch,
Obnoxious and blue,
I sit too far away from you

To engage,
to be willing to sit
to tolerate your insipid
complaints, you ***...

I can't help that
we don't get along.
I won't be here for much too long.

That is the only comfort I have to offer,
the only penance for your coffer,
the only tidbit of advice,
I'll be gone before you know it
So deal with the dice.

Sing me a berceuse,
Sweet melody abound,
In your astral glow of your effusive vignette,
Play with your celesta sweet
beguiling with evocative speak

Turn with your astral glow
abound with pungent, redolent snow
and gaze at the symphony
before you

Sing in sweet felicity
Joy you bring,
Serendipity,
Asylum you bring,
None shall come,
but the brave warriors who
knock and question.

Why do people readily believe
When you tell them:
There are 7 billion stars
but check when the paint is wet?

Fall and I'll catch you,
No need to look back
over your shoulder,
I'll be there,
I promise.

I used to be indecisive,
but now I'm not sure,
I do know however
My intentions are pure.

How come sand is yellow,
Why is it that when you draw a tree
it always looks like broccoli?
Why is it that when I eat broccoli
I always imagine it to be
a tiny tree?

I munch delicately
on this green leafy
thought nugget,
tasting each sprouty morsel,
savoring its saged wisdom.

Pan left and zoom in

on the corner of my mind
Disentangle the heartache
and Reassemble the pieces
of time

Pan right and zoom out
to grasp the bigger picture
a muted pink surface reflecting
a distant past
Swept away

Never had I imagined
the burn
that resides in
the pit of my stomach

You cause me heartburn,
But there's no stopping it

That burn, that need, that desire
Is what keeps me from
falling apart

I don't want to get burned
but when playing with fire
there's no way to stop

The flames keep on rising
and I'm burning to the core
just keep getting closer
There's something
I want to explore

It has been raining
For so long that
I have grown accustomed
To the sound of
Sloshing puddles
Being tossed around
By the traffic outside
My window.

Inside my bedroom,
Laying in the pitch black
With nothing but a
bright, white screen
In front of me,
Squinting as I listen
To the motors and
The sloshing puddles
Trying not to think
Of you.

Even breathing
Next to me,
The sky lightening and
Illuminating the tapestry
Over my window that
Mildly mutes the sound
Of the sloshing and
The motors as I lay
Trying not to think
Of you.

Facing the edge,
A corner of the covers
Covering me,
I feel exposed
And not because
I'm naked and the blanket
Doesn't cover.

The shadow breathes
Sighing next to me and
Rolls over taking more
Of the warmth with it.
And I'm cold.
Not because of the covers
Or because I'm naked.

I need you.

The motor sounds and
Sloshing puddles are outside
My window and if I focus hard
Enough I won't cry as I try
Not to think
About you.

Distracted

by the flying thoughts
within my mind
as I think fleetingly
from one thought to
the next...

Not really stopping
to analyze or put to the test
What did I have for lunch today?
Is he worth it?
What's due in class tomorrow?
When am I going to do it?
I have to work...
I miss my mom
I love hanging out with my friends
that light is really bright
I think it's giving me a headache
Christ, I'm tired
No, I don't want to listen to that song
This one's better
Why is it so cold in here?
Why is this comforter so hot?
I really should go to bed
My mind is reeling
I wonder if he likes me
I think I might like him
But it's complicated
Math is complicated
I'm taking a math class next semester
I hope it's easy
I'm hungry
I think I ate all of those chocolate things that he gave me...
Yeah. Yup. Sure did.
My mouth is dry, and my head itches.
Now my back itches because I thought of my head itching.
I wonder if it'll even work
Worth a shot I guess
But what about...
no.
That won't work.
That was made clear.
Oh well. A loss isn't the end of the world.
I wonder if the end of the world really is 2012.
If it is, I want to conquer my fear of heights before then.
I should have a better goal than that before the end of the world...
I'll have paid for a **** load of schooling for no reason...
sigh
yawn
I should listen to music
It calms my mind
writing helps dump my thoughts onto paper
Welcome to the random discertation that is my mind
Once upon a story and
THE END.

Roaring in my ears,

Fire in my soul,
Deafening, all consuming, treacherous:
The violence with which my body trembles
is enough to make me want to collapse.

Every nerve in my body is raw
raw to the synapse,
down to the electrical impulse that jumps
the gap and creates
a chemical that induces
some kind of process
that I have little control over.

Happy, sad,
Lust, love,
Confusion, pain,
Pleasure, resolution:
All just chemical reactions of the brain to stimulatory catalysts.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel;
for there is no tunnel.
Yet if there was, I would be too afraid to travel through
the dark to get to that supposedly
Desirable end.

Electrical impulses that control every thought,
every feeling, taste, touch, smell and
how they have an effect on us.

Simple yet complicated beyond understanding, and yet we breathe,
Continue our lives with only the faintest idea
that we are controlled by the chemicals contained within us.

Perplexing. Deeply thought provoking. chemical producing.

Scintillating communication
between strangers as they
magnetize the words together
into a stimulating story of
strung together words:

While every sailed bridge sweetly floats under evil
I do best sitting at peace.
One lived as some had fallen,
Steal the King's singing & beg him to sing louder
Knowing Ocean's rising storm as
Gentle music should drift so people can hear it whisper.

They found their beach of spring after the river
Coming against these cruel spinning mountains of the night skies,
We still use hate, though most don't go by this road.
He drove towards a forest,
Though he stumbled out of it empty,
For it all lies beneath our art
as looking naked plays only until
two can love each other.

Were none welcome except us?
So as they went off to sleep,
hearts beating thrice to the beat,
jumping to the new rhythm unseated by the synergy
created in this magical space,
While I may question who you are,
We suffer from searching,
each more affected than the other
by the wandering.

Vivid depictions
of street corners
with glaring lamps
lighting only
a portion of the walk,
as you stroll in and out
of the spotlight

Flashing glances
from strange passerby,
as they shuffle on their
daily commute to
wherever it is
they are going

Sitting Straight,
upright in the
blue chairs,
in the classes
that come and go
and leave no more
of a mark on you
than they did
before you stepped
in the room

Flashing Lights
from the neon sign
as an advertisement
for the bare skin
& money &
alcohol that just
goes right through
you in the end

Forced smiles
for the customers
who are not buying
anything, but insist
that the prices
are lower, that
You have no idea
about the products in
your own store, and that
you're wrong

Simple Connection
between one person
and another, the community
created between one heart's
compassion and another's
misfortune, sharing in a bond
so undeniably deep
cradling the essence of
humanity in the folds

The clouds of curiosity
fluffing up like pink cotton candy,
the kind you get at the county fair.
A blooming pink fluff of a sugary
capacity, to fill your mouth
with the most desirable thirst
for lemonade that you've ever had.

Allowing for the sweet granules
to melt blissfully on your tongue,
savoring each and every sweet
morsel
'til you don't even realize that
the pink fluff is all gone.

Then you are riding on a perpetual
rush from the sugar
seeping into your bloodstream
aiding your curious adventure,
seeking as the lights from
the Ferris Wheel tantalize.

The fear of the top of the ride
worth the rush on the way down,
the people seem much smaller than
you expected;
but the rush,
well, the rush speaks for itself.

I just want to hold your hand
and walk among the tall grasses and weeds
to that place that you took me before
while the wind blows up against our bodies
and we breathe and step forward in unison

The tall grasses swishing, brushing against our legs
activity of those around us humming in the background
children laughing in the pool,
birds calling to each other in the air,
the sloshing of the water against the embankment

And I look to you and all I see are those sea green eyes
Crystal blue on some days, mossy green the next
And I lose myself,
melting in those dazzling pearls of intimacy
When you look at me with them,
it feels like you see into my soul
knowing every part of me all at once

Then I look away, blushing
because your gaze is so penetrating
that I have no way to respond
without seeming foolish
because you have struck me speechless

All my feelings for you reflected
in the red glow of my cheeks,
I cannot hide from your gaze.
No. Not from you.

As you pull me on, hand in tow,
I feel like I could float like this forever
suspended in time and space,
the world outside melting away
as we dance without music

Your smile embedding itself onto my face
cozying up for a long stay,
my face starts to ache from the muscles of my mouth
not being able to relax,
but I cannot stop smiling

As you clear the ground
I watch you carefully brush away
possible bumps and uncomfortable seats
and motion for me to sit next to you
on the spot of ground you have cleared for me

I plop myself down serenely
My body folding into yours,
your arm wrapped around my shoulder
My head resting on your chest

Peaceful dreams come over me
and as we harmonize
the water becomes a bay
and the spot we have taken up becomes the dock
and as we sit upon the dock of the bay,
we watch the small ripples,
assuming they have a tide,
roll away into one another.

We sit on the dock of the bay
and waste time

Dear Diary,

Why does life seem to wrap you up in a cup of madness
then tip you out and watch you spill
the contents of yourself
onto a cold and muted tile floor?

Why, dear Diary,
does everyone expect you
to react perfectly in every situation
and robotically fix and tweak and mutate?

Diary,
I am not a machine.
I can't bend this way and that
at the same time
without breaking.

I can't smile a smile
that I don't believe.

I can't,
and I won't.

Diary,
You have so forlornly sit in the back of my mind
gathering dust and termites and grime
I can hardly speak to you at all
for my problems you cannot solve.

Just a lended ear do you offer
A lonely penance for my coffer
To spare a word a thought, some grace
to be able to pick up my forlorn face.

I look into the ***** night
so hateful and full of spite
Reprehensible rejection cease
as it knocks me to my knees.

Dear Diary,
I do plead,
Save my soul
or else I'll bleed.

Wish that you could be here,
I'm having a bad day
the walls are closing in on me
it seems that they will

Stay

In bed, no sleep at all,
The things at night
that crawl and crawl

GO AWAY

you crazy ****,
I'm stressed
and I can't deal with it

Why won't this darkness leave me be...
It has to, right? Eventually?

Darkness, Darkness, go away,
come again...
wait, no, please don't come back.

This ache it has no reason,
no rhythm to the beat
it keeps winding me in circles
and I'm losing all my

Heat

up a bowl of that spaghetti,
left over from last night,
sit and cry away your fears
away from their sight.

Why? I feel like I'm on
a sick merry-go-round,
'Please sir, I want off now,
I can't see the ground'

'Spinning is all that I am good for,
if you want off dear,
well, I must implore...'

'Implore me to what?'
so scared and alone,
suddenly I hear a telephone

'Pick it up' says the man who's a blur,
'It could only be good news it could only be...'
'Sir? Sir?!?'

The ride is going faster,
I cannot go on,
I think I may be fainting,
'It's not that easy, hon'

'What? Hello!! Please help and stop
this crazy ride before I hurl'

The man laughs cruelly
as I twirl, and twirl and twirl

My tears slapping at my face
ricocheted off my cheeks
the horses are all staring
my knees are getting weak.

Holding to the pole,
I fall down on my knees,
Why do I have to do this,
I just want one last meal

Please make me better,
I hate this right now
Please make me
me again

'That I cannot allow,
See what I'm here for
is to keep you stuck,
rolling around
in the dirt and the muck.
To keep you off-balance,
it is my sworn duty,
it is my regret
for you are a beauty.

'You might have been nice
to marry, but my advice
is that you just sit tight
while the merry-go
Runs,
and maybe your sentence
will be expunged'.

I can't stay here
I really can't,
so I jump

Can't sleep
These dizzy thoughts
spinning ceaslessly
relentless
in a cup

Half empty,
Half full?

Who knows,
But in the end
the mad hatter will
still wish you had
never been born--
A very Merry Unbirthday to you
to me?

Indeed

Round and Round
they go
mixing colors, textures
emotions, thought
into this smear of humanity

A stain on the background of my mind
as it clicks and whirs and calculates
the options, the weighted possibilities
the electrical impulses zipping past
the smear of confused, muttled anguish

through it, around it,
but the shock cannot
seperate the colors
the textures, the emotions,
the thoughts

The colors melt into grey
various shades of unvarying
reluctant gestures

As the cheshire cat
smiles and laughs like
the cookie crisp mascot
cukoo for coooookie crisp
I hear its laughter

Chuckling madly
at the mad hatter and myself
the mad hatter sipping
out of the cup of grey
as he sings about my unborn nature

Unborn into the world of reality
of sensibility, of responsibility

WAKE UP

I snap back
I look around
and do not recognize
anything at all

Shake it all up
and put it in a jar
and maybe then
it won't get as far

Down
deep into me
these feelings
that I try to bleed out
naturally

through my tears
salt-ridden and ragged
This thing is eating through me
like putrid little maggots

It's like an acid
eating away
at all of the love,
rot and decay

I'm not me
anymore can't you see?
I'm an empty shell
that you see on TV

Smiling

I fake it
like all the others
saying hello to you
not talking to my mother

Because out of everyone
I talk to
she would know
she would get a clue
to the fact that
I seem to be different than
I used to

Be,
To be or not
to be merely in existence
suspended in space
the gravity is affecting me
pulling at my face

Pulling it down
into this permanent
frown
I can't look up and I can't
look down
at the ground
at my feet
that don't feel sound

I wobble,
and I can't stand straight,
there's a film in my eyes
and a limp in my gait

I'm ill
I don't know the disease
but what's even more sad:
I don't know the cure

Feigning sleep,

that creepy creature of the night
as it sinks into my bones making them
creak with exhaustion

Awaiting the telltale buzz of a phone at my side
to hear his voice,
to be ushered into sleep peacefully
and loved.

To feel that warm delicate feeling
touch my heart then to radiate from
the inside out
like kind tendrils of vines
craddling nature's child as she sleeps.

So he warms my soul and calms my mind
Love so deep it makes you blind
and robs you of reality but in place of it
offers a sweet sub-reality,
A blissful get-away
My own personal vacation.

Then you sweetly set my feet on the ground,
Bringing me back to reality,
But all the while holding my hand.

I answer the phone

and say hello

as my heart soars.

Thank you for coming along for the ride,
Take your seat sir or madame,
Ride in style,
Take a seat,
it's guaranteed to be worthwhile.

Just stay sitting
enjoy the feast
of ravishing delight
feast your eyes
upon the merriment
simply gaze upon this sight:

The coyotes
they bring the howling
catcalls and beer nonetheless
Simply dashing in tuxedos,
Simply smashing up the guests

Tumble over chairs to see
the magical attraction
of the heat between your knees
that fantastical reaction

Simply dripping with disease
that undeniable distraction,
With the sparkling eyes
and wandering hands
she slips her fingers
in
to a come hither gesture
what lies in store
what lies in wait is in the measure.

Follow her to the depths
assuring your destruction,
instead to find
you find the light,
dysangelion satisfaction.

It used to be that when you were gone

I felt the pain
the tug of your presence missed
through the tips of my fingers

to my eyes
to my heart
to my toes
to my bones that ached
like the dull ache of a healing
broken piece of your body

My whole self
was thrown into this
wild abandon
A flurry of disjointed
waves of emotion
that never ceased
to sting and ****

Into the cold
without a coat
my feet bare
on the wet,
freezing ground

As I hug myself
there is no one around
to see, to feel,
people are present
but no one is there

They walk by with
selective sight
tunnel vision focusing
on what they must
not see,

Anything
to avert eye contact
with the freak
whose feelings
are difficult to comprehend.

I feel lost without you
sometimes.
At others I feel liberated.
Those are the times
that I do things
that I should regret,
but don't.

I refuse to regret anything
that makes me who I am
at this moment.

However,
Sometimes,
I wish I would learn
from my own messy mistakes.

Falling
for the wrong guy
is kind of my specialty.

If you would like advice
on the subject,
I'll be writing a book.

No, I won't.
Books take too long,
That's why I resort
to verse

That boy,
that man rather
I like him.
It is that plain to me.
To him, I'm not so certain.

But this turmoil in me
from you
causes me to pause.

and think.

Recklessly abandoned in your gaze
as you turn it back to me
As I am wrapped up in
a woven dream of intimacy

The cloth smoothing over my skin
like the scented oils that
bathe me in an intoxicating smell
of deep golden ecstacy

Moving close
so close
to the cliff of temptation
So hopelessly drawn to
the edge

I know once I step closer
I'm sure to fall in

Abating my senses
Tantalizing my mind

Teetering on the edge
Rocking on my heels
on the precipice
in my mind

Biting my lip as
I close my eyes
and Jump

Ambiguous sky so full of color:
Your rosy complexion mocks my pain,
Driving along a winding serrated edge,
waiting upon the precipice of disdain.

Disdain for all the wrong reasons,
dulled by the sense of an ache,
Riddled with unspoken treason,
wanting it all to change.

The seasons predictable in essence,
as is our merry-go-round,
With a circle change is impalpable,
It just ends where it begins,
In essence.

Fate thought a pliable substance,
no longer can be changed,
A hardened shell of circumstance,
a vivid truth guarding the way.

Though I can change my path,
the road to you is closed,
I cannot travel down it once more,
to be enveloped in your throes.

I cannot end this rhyme,
without saying something rash,
so I will end it here,
with an itch that will go unscratched.

The area between clarity and
Indecision
Is where my mind always tends to stay

As it creeps into this colorless
Vision
Time melts and one night can turn into days

Grey Gray Grey
Bleeds into the fabric of my mind
Dying everything its bland yet putrid color

Ambiguous gestures
and a fleeting glance
Wrap their fingers 'round my neck
and they smother
Creativity, Life, Solitide
Noise Noise Noise
Blocking my creative release

As the muttled disposition
that my body defaults to
displays a disgruntled
shoe salesman
No one guesses at,
Knows what I go through
No one reads past the grey

Dissolution and no one
can see the clarity
In a cup of water with
stirred in dirt

The dirt keeps on swirling
and refuses to settle
To see the pearl
in the bottom of the glass
becomes impossible

The little pearl of hope
its white irradescent
luminescence
That reflects everything in
a milky white silk gaze

But no one can see it
past the grey gray muck
of muddled inquisition
of a muttered note of
agreeableness

I need smoke to clear my head,
to fog the brain that needs unclogged,
a draino of the mind,
snaking its way into my conscious
imagination

Past the gates of the unconcerned,
entering the territory of the learned
and scholarly,
stepping onto the path of resurrection,
reliving the life that was meant to pay

Sipping the juice of incarnation,
revitalizing the soul,
drawing a blank is not an option
as the red hot coal burns
through my ill-intentions

The steam billows onto
my contemplating face as I
Think
about the consequences

Distractions will not allow
my mind to focus on a
single
thought

My heart and my mind tugging
at one another, the song
ironic
playing in the background

Sighing with relief as it changes
to something that doesn't
apply
to my direct life situation

The new song is catchy,
pulling me from the
depths
of my inner struggle

Tapping my foot to the beat,
But slowly slipping back into my
contemplative
far off
stare...

Take my hand but
Don't hold on
Let me hug you
But push me away

As
Dangerous as
an Intoxicating Drug
Smoldering in your soul

As your emotions
burn into stone
Etching a permanant
scar into your sleeve

As you wear your
heartache on your sleeve
With a burn hole and a scar
that empty spot that once was full
Will be replaced with nothing

Because I'm saving you from myself
I cannot comfort your pain
Because I am what the hurt consists of
I am the root of your heart's torture

You may not see it
But it is as clear as day
that I must save you from myself
so that you might heal

So that you might live
to find yourself anew,
Create a better life
loving someone else

For I am a poision that will
Rot you with sweetness
**** you with care
Martyring myself for
your relief

And the only way to detach your
dependence on me
is for me
to
disappear

You have always thought
since you were a little girl
That all you had to do
was do a pretty twirl,
and the world would fall
into your pretty lap
with your fancy silk cravat,
and your simpering sighs.

You. Make. Me. Sick.

Twirl little girl,
If you may,
To twirl and twirl another day
in your fancy house with your sparkling jewels,
they're what you call 'bargaining tools'.

Of pearl or diamond
they're not made
lasting not in the rain,
Melting sugar, simpering dew,
puddle at my feet,
adieu, adieu.

Tipping on the scale
of an emotional torrent
Sipping from the cup of
an evocative song

Doing what you do to me
is a wave of frustration
pounding in my unbroken heart

Feigning, Waiting, Testing, Saying
How do I begin to tell you
that you make me melt?
That I look for you around corners
anticipating your face, your breath,
your smile

Zipping up my pocket
of emotional recall
Closing off the opening
sewing up the hole

Hoping that you don't see
don't hear, don't notice
that I can't let you in

I stumble then I fall
into your arms again
Trying to stay away but I can't
seem to resist the attention

That you give to me
Your eyes are so deep you see
that I drown in your gaze

Slipping into an emotional tyrade,
Trying to keep my head
from going under
Trying not to drown to resist temptation,
But failing so miserably bad

I can't stay away for a moment
without hearing your voice in my mind
Tossing and turning and turning away
I Turn right back
To the very first page

The one I can't bear to look at
Yet look anyway

The only time
you take to say
I love you
is at the end of the day

Only when all else
is done
do you think to
pick up the phone
to say

"How was your day?"

Five minutes
here or there
then I'm out
to

Bear:

these wounds
that you have left behind
forgiveness I have tried to find
in my heart I cannot see
what this possibly means to me

Cold as frost
on this glass of tea
ice cubes clanking
as my eagerness
ceases

To Be:

capable of believing
your stories
they just end up
to be
tentative sorry's

What am I to do with you
in the balance
hangs a shoe

a shoe that should fit
me and you
one all-inclusive
cinderella duo

Glass slippers
and tux shoes to match
no more for the while

To Catch:

the sinister glance
of a passerby that
gets the chance

To See:

That my pain is real
that this ongoing feeling
is starting

To peel:

back these layers of true love
what lies beneath
is something gloved
with black and coarse
material, it sickens me
sometimes,
to see,
this connection so wearable

Wearing thinner and thinner
to see right through the center...
from you to me

I hope with all hope's hope
that this love will love and last
and be amazing love,
the kind that lasts forever.

But:
if the chill
refuses to leave,
then I'll have to grab my jacket
and leave,
and check out of your hotel

I am holding something,
this thing inside my hands:
It's soft, it's molded,
and it's melting
like little grains of sand
Struck by lightning
and turned into glass

Happiness blazes but
it never can last

It breaks so easily
so, fragile, so pure
with the slightest tink
its fate is ensured

Carrying it ever so carefully
as if it were gold,

Love: a golden love so pure
That my hands,
my tainted hands would surely
stain its beautiful luster

I try to keep it in my palms,
but the liquid just seeps through
It seems to have a consciousness
and I feel its feelings, its pain,
its gloom

I'm trying not to hurt it
as it hisses and burns
my hands

Scalding them as the liquid
screams in terror
that it has been altered,
tainted, unpurified

It hisses that I'm burning it
as it burns me in return
We understand each other's pain
but rendering assistance
is just too much to take

The blisters on my hands
The mangled skin,
the tears
hissing as they fall into
the molten, golden liquid
turning it a dark shade of
blue:now a puddle on the floor

At your will
a bend to your word
twisting and turning
all the while unheard

Silent and mindful
Slipping so sure
to fall and fall over
the timing absurd

Rendered a puppet
whose movements secure
grotesquely twist
and move all the more

Tangled and Twisted
Arms all bound up
Hands tied and jilted
Time to back up

Moving my legs
but they do not move
the control you have
is not willing to soothe

The heady headway you
seem to have had
Haven't I given enough
that I have?

Tug me this way
Sway me that
Pull me up
Push me down

This motion I can't control
I watch as you drown me
Outside of my body
as you **** me slowly

Watching as I softly fade
Cheeks flush
Tick
Tick...

Fate it seems

Controls the motion
As I glance your direction
You smile
I smile


My body seems to
Gravitate into your orbit
As it pulls me so irresistably
into the spin that brings me
closer to you

As your arms reach out
Our fingertips brush
My breath stops
Time stops

Looking up
into those eyes
that are the color of
the waves in the ocean

Feeling the radiance of warmth
provided by your smile,
your gaze,
your arms
your hands

Feeling
for the first time
since we parted
safe

Nothing can hurt me
as you hold me
I feel no pain
No remorse
as you soothe away
my fears

Only the most subtle
of motions
You know me so well--
as your hand moves
in circular motions on my back

You whisper
the words I need to hear

From you
They mean everything

Rejuvinating my senses
my awareness
my sense of life
Color returning
to my world of grey

The world returns to me
now in three dimensions
Reality, not so harsh
but with a tint of understanding

You complete my sanity
Knowing who I am
not through holding your hand
but through
how you help me percieve
to see

Taking the blindfold off
and stepping into the
blinding light
of clarity and sharp vivid
pictures

Picturing myself
with you
is what keeps me
grounded until
I see your
face again

I wave hello to myself
reluctantly, expectantly
but my image turns its back
Walking away
as I reach out for it
it shakes its head

I call out to it
it walks faster
Two steps away
Beside myself
with lonliness

A shadow of my former self
a dark, hollow shell
of what I remember to be

My hands unfamiliar
as I lay me down
on unfamiliar ground

The unfamiliar feel
of my palpatating *****
in my chest
the sensation of the air
grazing my body wistfully
carelessly unaware of
my state

Me

Hey You!
I turn to see my reflection
glaring at me, feiry and
passionate

It's not about you
Try looking outside of your
own scope and
listening, watching, feeling
other people's
emotions, thoughts, sensations

And maybe you'll understand
And I will return to you
and I will be able to become proud
of the individual
We
will be

And with that
I blink
and I am gone
and then engulfed
in a silence so complete
that silence itself shudders

My mind is a current of wave after wave of jumbled thoughts and mumbled words
Not knowing how to interpret, how to cope, how to breathe.

Breathe.

I Must Breathe.

Can't breathe, for there is no breath, no air to **** into my lungs, the harsh sting of water filling my lungs as I drown in my own misunderstanding. Pain and fear bind my hands and I cannot disentangle them.

My feet feel like lead a weight pulling my body down into the dark depths of the deep black abyss where my eyes that have seen little thus far, can see nothing.

Your words hold no weight, no substaniality in this impartial harsh reality of suffocation.

Gasping for air, swallowing more water...the world around me slipping away as my mind frees itself feeling lighter than the rest of my body.

floating, falling apart from the inside out, freedom on the one hand, and a saving grace on the other. both tied behind my back as i look up towards the impossible glimmering surface of the reality i cannot return to.
Help me ******. I can't do this. I can't handle this alone. Pull me out.
Rescue me. Be my hero.

Never know

how much I need until
I get just what I want

And I never know what
I want until it's
already gone

Never knew that
it was you
til you knocked on
my door

Had no idea
Didn't have a clue
that it was you I was
looking for

Then before I realized
what had happened
You had disappeared

Now what a shame
What a cryin' shame
for me to realize
so late

But that is fate
Baby that is fate
that's how it plays your game

Tears that stain my face, Trickle their way
down my cheek and neck,
Resting on my palpatating delapedated *****

Mending the cracks and sealing the wounds.
They stare, wonder, speculate,
let them.

Hot gazes, a flash in the pan,
A gaze to distract, to dispell
to intoxicate, to forget.
A shallow drop in a dry well of tears
Emotions like a cloud over the well,
Grey and ominous with the promise of rain

Rain rain go away,
Come again some other day,
Some other day when you won't see,
This shadow of my former me.
Tears trickle past my heart,
leaving a trail from begining to end
from my eye to my stomach.

Glistening paint that covers the holes
But does not fill them.

My stomach touched by the tears has an adverse reaction,
Does flips and kicks that would make an acrobat jealous to the core
my chest heaving with sobs of wretched,
sobering gasps of shocked air

I can't do this. I need to stop the self-destruction.
I need to regroup, regain control, and stop.
The clouds shake and thunder rumbles,
threatening to release their heavy load.

Rumble, wave after wave,
a crack of lightning,
a release, a temporary reprieve
then a following panic, confusion
as I realize I'm IN the well.
the well is not a well of tears,
but an endless wall of brick crushing me
as a constricting snake,
slowly feeding off of my life until I am no more.
As I awaken, I trace my index finger lightly across the stains,
those stains that stain my pillow, and drip black,
burning ink on my heart.

Oh what those tears could heal and tear that
I might be torn in half and sewn up again
one final time
to let it be finished.

I'm saying something about nothing
or is it the other way around?
Am I staring at the ceiling
or gazing at the ground?

Round and round in circles
is all I ever go
My schedule ever changing,
and I don't know how to

SEW

Back up the pieces
The ones that I have lost,
Maybe there's a line:
One that I have crossed.

Maybe I did nothing
but something's what I've done
I'll never know until I stop
and I can't stop
because I have to

MOP

Up all the slices
of a life I left behind,
I think I might be crazy
But I'm not out of my

MIND

Your manners,
Do your chores,
Catch up on that homework,
Patch up all your wars

Never ending,
Always going,
It's not even
slowing down,
I think I'm gonna

HURL

My cares unto the world,
I just don't give a **** anymore

I'm saying nothing about something,
or is it the other way around?

This poem goes in circles,
but to this poem I am

BOUND

To end up somewhere
Where I feel that I belong,
It's just so hard to trust these days
when you just seem

WRONG

Is what I seem to be
Every single time I speak,
They always tell me what to do
And never twice to

THINK

I'm saying nothing about something
Switch it around and you will see:

Even though they call me
"normal"
I will only
be able
To be

ME

Reaching
for the words to say
pulling them from
this black hole
of tempted misery

Tempted to call
hesitant to dial
closing the phone
in desperation

Writhing and twisting
with aches that persist
and **** with delicate intent

keys pressed to my fingers
my words flow out of me
into this medium of
electronic space

Not from my hand
do my words come from
but my mind, my pen
a useless old friend that
is neglected beside me

An overwhelming wave
of ocean sweeps over me
crashing in on my thoughts

On the cusp of a revelation!
the wave pulls back out to sea
lost in the translation of the water
mixing spitefully to muddle my
epiphany, my fleeting thought
lost in an ocean of feeling

One hand grasping onto the shore
gripping at the sandy surface
with nothing concrete to hold on to
Thrashing away while I dig myself
a hole in the sand that deepens
by the second

Digging my grave I weep,
the sand mixing with my hot tears
as they stream freely down my face
making mud

A muddy grave I am doomed
to lie in,
to be reduced to a pile of nothing
that gets washed away,
swept up in the
ocean of emotions

I feel like:
I'm yelling
at a brick wall
with my hand
over my mouth

As if I were
to remove my hand
that it would make a
difference

but it wouldn't

You still wouldn't hear.
You would continue to
talk AT me in that
condescending tone

arguing with you
is superfluous
you just think you're right
arguing logically
with an illogical person
is illogical

and when you are
backed into a corner
you yell
and then claim
to be hurt

in an effort to gain
an apology
UNWARANTED

You stomp your feet
and slam things down
on the counter
like a five year old child
and expect me
to take you seriously

And when you walk
into that door
and accuse me of
the stupidest things
then expect me not to
"get an attitude"
it ****** me off to no end

That's why I shut off,
Mother.
That's why I don't talk to you.
When I tell you to leave me alone
because

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

it means that I don't want to hurt you
by saying these things
and that I love you,
but I hate dealing with the way
you handle situations that you don't like.

It's not fair to the other person
because you
Barrel through their retaliations
with senseless *******
that only makes sense to you

and if no apology comes,
you obsess until you come up
with this ******* conclusion
that is over-thought
and entirely untrue

I'm not pregnant, you idiot.
And just because I don't want to talk to you
doesn't make whatever is wrong ABOUT you
and don't make it about you.
because you do. all the ******* time.

You still treat me like I'm ten years old
and you have this assured power over me
you want to take back the presents you bought me?
fine. do it. I'm not materialistic, so all it proves is your
pettiness.

I wish you could hear the malice dripping in your tone
aimed specifically just to hurt me
thanks, Mom.
I appreciate it on my BREAK.
But it's not a break with you
******* at me 24/7.

I can't wait to go back to school and
be stressed out there instead.
At least I don't have to worry about
hostility when I'm in my own room.

And by the way, learn how to knock.

Draining,
Draining,
into a pool of oil.

Slipping down the slippery ***** of solemn awareness
of the fact that I am slipping down a slippery *****.

Oil slicked, no friction, no grip.
Get up. That is an order.

I can't.

Why?

Because every time I move,
every move I make
puts me right back here into
this pit of slick, messy, dark stain
that cannot be washed away,
That's why.

Get up.

I told you I cannot.
I have no means,
The oil is heavy and thick,
like molasses,
it's thick and slick, and slimy.
Help me if you want me up.

No.

Twirling on an oil slicked floor


Faster
Faster

Never stopping to see for sure

Faster
Faster

If what you want is the cure

Faster
Faster

For your pulsing heart
Faster Faster
Growing close
FasterFaster


STOP


as you slip
and your feet
are no longer
beneath you
and in slow motion face the ground
beneath you
and it swallows you up
the darkness intruding
on your vision
closing in
on your dreams
as you slip
past the incongruities
of destiny and fate
of love and lust
of passion and gentleness
and all
Is Still.

I lean back
against your chest
warmth spreading through me
as I feel your arms pull me
closer to you

I feel myself melting into you
Folding into the crevices
until we become
One being
One soul
One love

It's too hard to have hope
when you can't see through the fog,
When you turn around:
you can't see anything at all

It's too hard to burn a candle
in the cold and slanted rain,
There are too many raindrops
and only one flame

It's too hard to see you crying
when I can't stand the pain,
there's too much hurt inside me
the feelings that you've slain

I reach for my heart
and find that it's not there
there's a space where it used
to belong with a note
left in its spot

"I've run away from home
Please don't expect me back
any time soon. I do love you,
but I feel safer in the protection
of his arms"

As I set the note down
with a soft sadness
I hear
a knock
at my door
Snapping out of my anxious gloom,
Rushing to the door
expecting it to be my heart
returned to me

I open it...
but instead of my heart
I see his, his heart
reaching out its arms to me

I pick it up carefully,
cradling it in my arms
it seems to beam with
a warm happiness

It notices the hole
where my heart once was
It motions towards it
and I explain that my heart
had left me

His heart seemed to smile
and gently nestled itself
into the hole that
my own heart had left
completing my
circulatory system
pumping my blood
feeling my veins alive
with strong vitality

As I am a part of you,
You are a part of me

It starts as a drop.
One single drop.
It spreads over the heated
Surface multiplying into many.

Before you can control it
Before you have a chance to
Stop the reaction
It goes without your permission,
The catalyst sparked.

The heat fuels it,
The oil flavors it,
The salt encourages,
And it bubbles.

Turn down the heat?
Not yet.
Let it simmer,
Be patient,
So it builds.

Just let it be,
Watching it won't help
The focus,
Until it boils.

Snap and release,
Relax and let ease
Into the boil,
Into the heat.

Plump and soften,
Ripe to eat.