You take advantage of
my tinted cheeks,
displayed desire I didn't mean
to share like the warmth that
a winter chill breaks.
I am bitten;
smitten with eyes that
don't want my heart,
just my blushing smile.

At 31 long years old
I find myself trying to redescover myself.
I say redescover as if I ever
really knew who I was before, 
who I am, what purpose I serve.

It's  a harsh reality as I stand here,
the dark of night enveloping itself
around me,
******* the toxins from my cancer stick, 
as if life or death was worth the gamble..
Good health vs bad health
Puff, puff, puff away.
Smoke my troubles away.

A couple of glasses too many,
red wine absorbed into my blood system,
Warming my inner core,  
Heating me from the inside out.
Takes the edge off.
Apparently.
Reality slowly distorting, the fresh air hitting me

I can't help feeling unsure. 
Unsure of the unknown,
whats to know? 

All I do know is that I'm lost
and I have been for a long time.
My whole life maybe.

What is,
what has been,
what's still to come
are just chapters of this harsh reality
this life that I'm living...

I'm mearly existing,
just being.

Someone,
anyone,
Dragging myself onwards
day by day,
minute by minute,
second by second.

Not every day is a struggle
But the ones that are
Have mastered the art of
Stealing the limelight
Taking center stage,
Forget the good and
Let the bad consume me.
Inhale me like I do the nicotine.

Am I afraid?
I don't know.
There's not much I am certain of anymore.

I used to write with meaning,
with purpose,
for a reason.
Emotion poured out of my every pore,
now?
I find myself writing
for the sake of writing.

I've lost myself,
lost my words.

I do know one thing,
all I've ever wanted to be is loved.
That raw deep love that
knows no boundaries
The type where you can talk for hours
and it seems like seconds
Never bored, never judged, no effort needed because when it comes
it's served effortlessly,  with ease

Effortless natural love

I don't love myself as much as I should,
I know that.  

I've always known that but
I've always hoped that someone else
might just love me as much as
I love everybody else.  

Maybe at this point in life
I have too much to say,
too much to deal with,
too many emotions which I'm
too scared to show you.

You;
Whoever you may be.
I'm scared you'll judge me because
if truth be told..
if I wasn't me,
I'd judge me too.

I heard it in my youth, and I've heard it once again.
You banish it away, it always comes back again.
Pain, they say, will always make you stronger.
Then when it hurts, why can't I live any longer?

Pain is not supposed to strengthen your soul.
Only your mind it strengthens "and" it leaves a hole,
And that hole is filled with poison to dull the pain,
And that poison will weaken you, like acid rain.

Apparently what you don't know won't hurt you.
That's right. It only hurts everybody else... "true".
People who eventually hurt you another way.
You'll tell them, "Go away, come again another day."

"It doesn't **** you." "Only cats have nine lives."
Because I'm aware of the multiverse, these knives,
Called dysfunctional lovers, friendships, and family,
Have killed me a thousand times; I live candidly.

I live honestly, because the pain of seeding a lie,
Can grow a thorny bush, upon seeing it you cry,
When you're pricked by the destruction of all,
Your chaos, wondering why you don't get a call.

Pain is good for lessons, that's why it's all around,
It's not that you're getting strong, only wiser.
Pain brings you to your knees, makes you touch ground,
For the power, you are weaker, only wiser.