He isn't much yet but he could be anything he wants, he's just a tennis ball waiting to be bounced into the world and caught in the arms of those who whisper coos to him though he can't hear. He could be anything. He could be a she and she could be into writing like me or forging paths or acting. It's too soon to tell but it's never too soon to imagine and when I saw the results I could see her, blue eyes, brown hair, beautiful. More beautiful than anything that's ever existed. In the dimples and the gangly limbs, I've never met it and I would do anything for it. For this baby. I want it to be safe and never worry about the bad things in the world I feel like I need to chase out the dark minded people to create space for all the good this baby will do, because she's capable of doing so much good. And so is he if that's what he chooses to be and that would be fine with me. I'd teach him the fragility of his heart and how he must handle those he desires with care, I'd teach him to not let anyone walk over him but to never directly hurt another person. I'd show him pictures of the adventures he missed out on and read him whatever book he wants how ever many times he wants to hear it, I'll teach him you are my sunshine, the wheels on the bus, and every backstreet boy song so he never feels behind. I'd help him grow and be his support until he can stand on his own but even then I would stay close by. This heart inside my chest has never been mine to own completely, it was meant to be shared and he can have it all because there's nothing I wouldn't do for him. For her. For it. For this baby. To say I'm scared is an understatement, but this love is undeniably existent flushing through my body like its electricity shivering through my veins, my heart has never pounded so hard, my eyes have never been so wet as when I knew for sure its here, but I've never felt more alive and strong and pure either. You're good, and you're loved, and I pray you never feel empty. You will forget but I will remind you that life is hard but you are blessed and everything will be okay. At the very least, in the worst of times I will always make sure you will be okay.

I don't miss you
I miss the time
And the me that you fell in love with
Because I loved her too
And all that innocence I had
Like flowers circling a pillar
You tore down and tied into ribbons
Hoping that the stems wouldn't rot after you left them on the ground
But they did
I did
So I don't miss you
I miss me
And none of your words
Or touches
Or ******* excuses can give me back the love that I had for myself
The love that I gave to you
That never should have been yours to begin with
But under lock in key inside my heart
So I could remember to cherish myself even after you ran away

I found sanctuary
in every line I wrote
for my tongue
cringed at the mere
thought of saying it

I found peace in every
pencil stroke that created a word
too heavy for my heart to carry

I found serenity
in the sound of turning pages
as they filled with stanzas
stories and random ideas
that my voice could not voice

I found strength
in every time I held
that blank page from turning
and seeing the unwritten
through my mind's eye
creating itself

I found uniqueness
in the way I integrated
"what I could not say"
with
"what I can write"

I found a way
to embody memories
and bring them to life
every time the tip of my pencil
touches that blank slate

I found a way to talk to you
and word *****
things I'd never imagine
my mouth would utter

At least I found a
a way!!

I don't think
there was any other
way
to have described
him
I could have
compared him
to the heavens
above
And to the stars
in the night sky
To joy
To love
and beautiful
blessings bestowed
But
he
Gave me
peace
deep
within in my bones
and a belonging
holding softly
to my heart
And so
i find
the only
way
I could have
described
him
was to call him
*home

Have you ever been in the exact moment
You wish never to forget?
I am there now
Right now.
Surrounded by friends, lovers, dreamers
In a small bar in Shimokitazawa

My partners, my potential partners, my fwb
All in one space enjoying the evening together

I am someone today

We are sharing true stories
Important moments of our lives

I want to kiss everyone
Instead, I love everyone
And wrap them up in my mind
Life is worth living today

can I have a single moment to breathe
before the floor is ripped form beneath me
like a rug from under the table
once sturdy now turn on its side
I cannot carry much weight or else I break in two
and you don't need something that's broken
you need a whole object
permanence is key but I am not that
a mere shadow of something that once stood so strong
I crack under the slightest touch
so don't run your fingers on my arms because I will bruise
the ghost of your breath leaves burns
and all at once I splinter down the middle
without rhyme or reason you hurt me
snap me in half so that you can use my now sharp edges to harm yourself
don't take me down your rabbit hole
because once there it may become my own
I wish to inhale the fresh air, feel the wind inside my lungs
not the rotting stench of the girl I once was
do not praise yourself for breaking me
I will find a way to glue myself together