Shoot the sun in my bloodstream
So my smile isn't as faded as we are
Hope that my cracks burn with golden light and not the shadow you left in your wake
Because you didn't think I would notice you gone
When the sun rises she can see the space where the moon once reigned
And she's arrived in his place
She wonders why they cannot exist at the same time
Through thousands of whispering stars she can hear his words
Miles apart but he still tells her she's beautiful
So why doesn't he ever stay?
I am the sun, I shine through the cracks in the armor of my skin
Shielding the moon from all of the darkest parts of me they once tried to touch
But I eat away at myself with the thought of rejection
Did my light not beam down on you properly
So the world could bask in your pale glow
Was I so powerful you had to run
So that maybe you could save yourself from the pain you think I would cause
Did I hurt you when my flames danced along your hopes and dreams
I wonder what you think about now when you see the sun
Me?
Or just another light you wish to put out

I want to write about what makes me sad
But I don't want to feel it again
I worked so hard to overcome the crashing waves
I don't want to drown anymore
To swallow the salt that burns my throat like your lies burned me
To plug my nose so I can't smell the ashes of what we had
I don't want to wave my hands through the surface hoping somebody spots a survivor
You're not worth the effort I made to get back to shore

Memories much like wine spill easily
They stain the brain like a carpet
But stains are never good
Unlike memories
So perhaps they're not all wine
Just the ones that taste like you
I swear I got so used to you
I no longer cared about the stain
Deep red so you'd forever be imprinted
Because you knew what you were doing
You wanted to make sure I remembered
Every time I fell to the floor in tears
I saw the red that matched the color of my heart once you ripped it from my chest
You wanted to spill your memories on every dress, every song, every inch of skin
So that even breathing left me with a feeling of your intoxication
You didn't want to fit into any cup because you loved falling from the rim
Onto my bedsheets, my books, my dreams
And though my mother tried to teach me
I never did learn how to properly remove a stain

It's almost funny how things change. How surprised I am that no matter how stuck in the past I tend to be life around me still moves on, it's like my heart beats backwards while time ticks forward. My heart beats rapidly, knowing where I was going before I recognized the turns I was taking. I'm a sucker for memories and I came here to try and breathe like I used to be able to do but it's different. The snow has melted much like who I used to be and there are no deep conversations just a half moon and a lit up skyline. I want to lean against the rails and remember the ghost of somebody who pressed me up against them but much like him they're gone. They were thrown away like our time together. I remember walking along the edge to overlook the chunks of ice thinking maybe if I fell onto one of them they'd take me somewhere better, now I'm too scared to climb up. How many calories would I burn falling into the lapping waves and fighting to not drown in them? Not enough. Never enough. And I want to say that's not the point but it is. I can't see a forward so I walk backwards and retrace the steps to who I used to be and it brings me back to sickness and I don't want to fight it because pills have to be taken with food and I don't eat enough to fit them into my life. This is what I've become, or its who I've always been. All I can think about is how alone I am and will be and I'm over the moon that soon I'll have everyone I love with me again, it tears me apart to think of when they leave, leave me to figure out if I'm more than any alibi I've ever shown. I'm trapped and I chose this for myself but that doesn't make it hurt any less. It was a self fulfilling prophecy, I wanted to escape who I've been but she catches up with me every time I cry in the parking lot I used to feel so alive in, every time I hear about self inflicted wounds I remember the feeling of my own and I wish they were there again to remind me I'm human and I should treat myself as such. But I'm empty, as empty as the railing that doesn't recognize me as empty as the ice less water and as empty as a plate of food. I'm not sick I'm stuck and I don't want help my Astoria will claim me and when it does I'll claw my way out because I'm a fighter and no matter what I've been through I've always proved that. My mother told me I always play the victim when I try to tell her how I feel and I let her have that. The only victim I've ever been is a victim of myself, of my mind and my heart and I'd dare say my soul if I thought I had one. There's no philosopher in the world who can save me now and no person who thinks to. I don't want to be saved, I just want to feel alive. And some days I do but today I don't. Right now I just want to close my eyes and remember things my brain has let disappear, I want to make something out of nothing and tell someone how I feel without thinking I'm being too much trouble or drawing attention to myself. I want to be alive again but I let such little things **** me slowly and its up to me. Always up to me.

If your brain was sane
would it push me against the wall
on the ***** stairs of my street
and kiss me drunk

If your brain was sane
would it defy all the bombs
of "no's" and escape the quiet
mines that lie beneath
that playground
of buried
"i think i
love you"