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gd Dec 2023
Love is fear,
eye to eye
love is fear,
hand in hand,
love is fear.
heart to heart.

I am tethered to you
by a slender golden chain.
A puppet and
its strings above.
An ordinary girl and
a spectacular love.

The depths of my bones have hallowed out
to store our memories
and ours alone.
Clear as day, sweet as honey,
but as gentle as the wind,
as fragile as a snowflake under a spring sun.

We are one
and yet not one enough.
Two halves of a destined whole.
How disheartening it is to realize
you are mine
and yet also betrothed to Providence.

So I whisper prayers
for a mourning
I will never have to feel.
I whisper prayers of winged feet
to carry us to an unbreakable,
unshakeable land.

Because love is fear
And I fear my bones will stay hollow
without you.
Love is fear.
And I fear my body would buckle
under all that heart break.

To love is to fear.
Fear that we may never be
eye to eye,
hand in hand,
heart to heart
ever again.

gd Oct 2022
A hurricane danced around my room
for what felt like an entire year
and I stayed right in the eye
to collect all my tears.
Beaten into submission,
completely paralyzed by the pain,
I stayed still to protect what left of me
was untouched by its acid rain.

The winds knocked me to my knees.
Nothing but smoke and grey
as I looked up at the sky, facing my fate,
begging the heavens to let me walk away.
Instead, I was kicked to all fours,
left to grip soil so deep it turned my fingernails black.
And even against night’s raging hail,
I only found solace when I counted what I lacked.

My breath gave in and my heart gave out.
For months I was at mercy to a tempest
that just left a ringing in my ears
and replayed all of my deepest fears.
I screamed at the void
into the dead of night
and it only whistled back broken promises
packaged in poisoned pieces of light.

Even when the clouds broke,
I felt no relief beneath my feet.
standing felt like sin
and my reflection was no longer mine to meet.
A stranger’s eyes stared back in silence.
Change was not my choosing.
A slave to the storm,
but it all felt like my doing.

{my mind casts the first stone}
gd Apr 2022
If pain was a colour, I feel like it would be purple.
At a crossroad between the sadness of blue,
And the rage of red.
Bruised. Confused.
A consequence secondary to the impact.
Not intended to pierce skin, but lasting long enough to feel it.

How can love be the only thing able to create and destroy;
Mimicking the divine, yet making you lose faith in it altogether?

My eyes are coloured red.
Cheeks flushed with despair.
Salty tears splatter my sweater.
Nails chipped.
Sun down.
Clouded and silenced.

Disoriented from the recoil of a loaded gun pulled too soon.
Every melody sounds flat, but the ringing in my ears remain sharp.

I can only hear the faint hum of my heartbeat,
Attempting to carry on.
Barely blinking. Eyelids half shut.
Egg shells have turned into shards of glass on every floor I walk on. Disconnected. Discombobulated.
Disorganized. Disappointed.

A bleeding heart turned purple.
What would it take to feel whole again?

{I feel purple today}
gd Mar 2022
I wore black
from head to toe.
Snapped through two hair ties
trying to keep my mind and my heart together.

But it was no use.
because this godforsaken place was love-less
and cruel.

They say honesty without tact is just cruelty.
But honesty can slice your soul
just to spare your life at the very last second, too.
Every breath feels like the last.

Hanging onto the very last thread of normalcy.
When the clock reaches the final hour,
I pray for sweet mercy.
I pray for peace and peace of mind.

But I am left in pieces, nonetheless.

gd Aug 2021
There is no song in the whole wide world that would be able to capture this sadness. I hear notes in my head, but they all fall flat. Dissonance dominates my peripheral and the ringing leaves me bruised. And confused. It takes my breath away whilst suffocating me.

There is only hurt. There is only pain. There is only anger here - deep rage.

A place to call home has burned down from these flames. And I am watching the last few embers flickering from a distance. A homage to one heart split in two. And there is no amount of glue that can salvage these ashes. Hell, there is not even love to latch onto.

There is only hurt. There is only pain. There is no peace here.

{"you made me hate this city"}
gd Feb 2021
What if my trauma wins?

What if the doubts swallow me whole
because this is all I have ever known?
The darkness all around,
not even the slightest sound,
but my heart beats like ocean waves
leaving me to tire,
begging me to drown.

They’ve made my chest feel heavy for hours,
for days,
for weeks,
sleep reeks of tears suppressed,
sheets a mess,
a failure at best—
no rest.

No rest ever
not even within the cushions of my mind.
They whisper my happiest thoughts
only to douse them in day old wine,
lighting the matches,
tearing the seams,
my faded dreams
sprawled all over the hardwood floor.

What if my trauma laughs?
Because I dared to challenge it
within the cages it built,
filling my mouth
with all the words I never had the guts to spill,
onto pages dripping with
but guilt.

When will my trauma leave?
When all is said?
When all is done?
When life is lost?
Just tell me when
and where to run
because I am tired of fighting a war
my anxious mind signed me up for.

{it's been a while}
gd Nov 2017
Where has our love gone?

Possibly under the sea
across the ocean
in another country
under different city lights
in between the cracks
of all the side streets
I've trudged along
without you by my side?

I think I lost its warmth
under the chill of another
winter's night
without your embrace,
or I might have dropped it
twelve feet below
while climbing all the mountains
ahead of me.

Or maybe
it slid off my wrist
while I was caught
by the sunrises
and sunsets
I've never been able to
witness with you.

it's slipped through my fingers
falling victim to familiarity
failing terribly at sincerity
forgetting every piece of validity
leaving both of us with
nothing but pity

Because we are ourselves
more than we are each others
and I have memorized
the ocean floor
and the city lights
and the aimless fights
more than I can remember
what our love looked like.

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