I used to think courage meant keeping everything to your self
That strength was bottling things up to deal with on your own
That crying was weakness and vulnerability was foolish
It’s not.
Somehow you’ve managed to teach me that
Courage is sharing your burdens and
Real strength is sharing your soul
Even if tears fall as you do it
And you’re left feeling more vulnerable than ever.

“I miss you”* is an understatement
Because when I say “I miss you” what I’m really saying is that
Every day I go without your laughter
Without your smile
Without your voice
Without your intoxicating presence
Is a day wasted
It’s a day the sun is a bit duller
Food a bit blander
And oxygen less satisfying
Suffice it to say
“I miss you” is an understatement

As twilight softly kisses the horizon
I skip down the street fighting my uncomfortable green school uniform
My 6 year old dreams keep me dawdling every couple skips
Taken captive by the resilient flowers that grow amidst these trash ridden streets
Like little shreds of hope they peek out just above the cigarette butts and plastic bags that litter these dirt roads
I stop to muse for a moment until the cold water that is reality splashes me in the face and
I realize I must get home before its too dark
So I run until I step inside our gates where I decide to give my little lungs a break
And there you sit in your guard house
You smile a smile the Cheshire cat would be jealous of then beckon me to come to you
And having been taught that disobedience is wrong and obedience to ones elders is imperative
And you not being a stranger
I walk to you
And I feel your rough ice cold fingers clamp around my arm
Yet I refuse to afraid because my logic tells me you are our guard, here to protect not to harm
But then you strip me of my clothes and of my innocence
You devour my self-worth for your selfish gain
And with your stale beer breath, you tell me to go home and tell no one
As I walk away, I reject the tears that try to form
No longer filled with dreams of 6 year old things
Feeling nothing but brokenness and the cold place right below my shoulder where you gripped my arm
I see a little flower peeking out from beneath the cracks
And I make a point to step on it

Too long have I been a victim
A target of your judgement
As you whisper behind your hands
And laugh behind your Bibles

But you know naught of my life
You know nothing
Nothing of my burdens
Or the story that’s built me
So how do you sit and hate what you do not know
Does your ignorance blind you so?

Your audacious judgement to be cast
Upon anyone different from you
The way I dress, speak
The choices I make
They don’t measure up to your devices

Too long and too often have I fallen prey to those like you
For eons have I tried to fit into your Christian circles
But I have lived
I have sinned
I have borne your hate
And I have overcome
I no longer desire to be part of your hypocrisy
No longer long to be part your elite
Yet now you ask for my company
For I have become one of your charities
But I’m sorry you’re out of luck
Cause frankly I no longer give a

It’s in the night,
when light recedes to leave me with my thoughts
and the darkness encompasses every crevice of my room and of my mind,
that the person I am is most illuminated.
In those long hours
that stretch with lack of sleep
my thoughts are as clear as a cloudless blue sky.

On good nights, there'll be thoughts of my future, of my hopes and my dreams.
On good nights my imagination will soar to heights beyond the sky
for on good nights not even the sky is the limit.
But good nights are rare and most nights,
the darkness seeps into my thoughts
with the past.
with each and every imperfection that owns me.
All my weaknesses and fears
are painted on a black canvas
portraying the things I’m so afraid the world will see.
my cowardess,
loneliness,
hopelessness.
my fears of betrayal
of feeling too much,
caring too much,
loving too much…yet not enough.

Like tendrils of smoke
the thoughts linger on one fear then float away
only to be replaced by another.
As my eyelids become cinemas of the past,
images of innocence lost flash behind my eyelids
Almost as if they’re stuck on repeat

Sometimes, I embrace those nights
As if they were an old friend.
I wonder if that makes me masochistic but
Truth is those nights,
difficult though they may be,
are the times I’m most honest with myself.

Once, you told me I was your sun.
Once, we spent the sleepless nights that were stolen by our pasts borrowing time
Time to talk, time to cry, time to dream
All through the pinprick holes of a cracked screen phone that let me feel your voice and hear your heart
It was in those forums that we lay everything bare
Naked and unashamed, we approached one another in honesty and vulnerability fearing no judgement
Intertwined by the secrets that kept us together and pushed all those others away
Together we dredged through our dreams, no, not dreams, for dreams are bright and filled with joy and curiosity rather nightmares, for nightmares creep in the shadows of the night and display the worst of our subconscious  no, not nightmares, for even they evade you in the day. These were demons. Demons that did not leave you or I, Demons that followed us through the day and through the night haunting and menacing. A constant reminder of our imperfections
Yes, demons that is what they were.
Together we dredged through the demons that filled us.
And together we waged a battle.
A battle neither fearless nor brave but merely a battle to survive
And it was in those moments that You called me the sun in your darkness
But If I were your sun, the reason you breathed and lived. The source of your strength and your joy Then you were my moon
Reflecting, the strength which I bathed you in to get me through the darkest of times. To keep me resilient when my Pandora’s box dared to open dared to bring out the evils I kept so neatly tucked beneath the surface. Standing beside me when it did.
But I am not your sun
The sun does not forget to shine
The sun does not disappear or fade away
The sun is constant, day by day, always and forever.
The moon
The moon waxes and wanes.
It is half, it is whole, it is nothing
Covered in the strength of the sun, even at its strongest, it reflects a mere dim glow to that of its counterpart
So you see, you are wrong, I am not the sun, I am not your sun
You kept my darkness at bay and in your darkest night; I was but a faint globe of light
Two celestial bodies forever entangled in time and space, we are eternally connected
Yet now we find ourselves in an eclipse
With Iong shadows that have created a seemingly cavernous distance between you and I
Shadows that have left me dark and cold
For what is a life without the sun other than lifeless