YOU'RE TO DEPRESSING

His words haunted over me as if death had become my guardian angel.
Endless years of basic training, constantly asking if this is a battle you want to fight.
Only to be left on the front line alone with nothing but a knife carved from lies, lodged in my spine.
Your flirtation quickly change to manipulation.
Thanks for "putting up with me" while i got the help i needed,
i mean after all you dated me while i was addicted to drugs,
and you made it known.
Throwing my past in my face,
looking down at me like some DISGRACEFUL ******
You said you loved me.
Now I know.

There is no perfect word,
no adjective or noun
just a combination of
         I hate
         I worry
         I regret
         Am I enough?

It's a moment where my insecurities
are no longer a low hum
and I discover a whole
          new shade of
                  self-doubt

You say you're sorry
Sorry for taking advantage of my kindness once again.
Sorry for ruining our chances at being close like we were.
Sorry for pushing us farther and farther apart.
When will you realize sorry doesn't heal everything.
It's not the tape you easily put on a rip in a paper,
its not the needle and thread you used to patch up your torn shirt,
its not the band aid you put on your open wound.
Because soon enough,
the tape dries
the thread loosens
and the band aid falls off
But don't worry, you can always say sorry.
By now sorry has probably set up a tent on your tongue, it seems to be the only thing coming out of your mouth.
When will you realize sorry doesn't heal everything.
It  isn't supposed to last a couple of weeks.
The more you say it, the less meaning it has.
I wont be around to wait for you to figure any of this out.
Sorry.

n.p.