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Mary Alexander Aug 2016
Missing you is reflected
In the instability of my bones.
I walk with a long stride but am interrupted by my knee
Sliding smoothly out of its socket,
Causing its usual functions to become impossible
As straightening my leg sends shooting pain through the entire limb.
Missing you is reflected in my lifetime insomnia.
Waking in a cold sweat at 3:00 am
After 2 weeks of successful, undisturbed sleep.
Waking in the early morning of the one day which requires every possible ounce of energy.

But ultimately, missing you
Is reflected in the anger I feel towards myself.
The anger that comes from knowing what is true
Right and just.
And yet, still imagining the "if only"s.
The impossible fantasies that are somehow still creeping back into my mind
Like children's hope for fat Nicholas.  
Ignoring the knowledge that I in was in love with an idea that
Never existed.
An idea that I still sometimes wish for.
And so I limp painfully along this road with tired, bloodshot eyes,
I am angry at myself for missing you,
Angry at you, though you'll never know nor care of these musings.
And though my ******, idiotic fantasies are not of your doing.
Or are they?
The ultimate question.
Are these emotions of your doing, did you do this intentionally?
Are you aware of what occurred and what is?
Are you aware of me?
Did you ever know me.
And did I ever know you.
Because that is what angers me the most.
I miss a person that I never knew,
Do not know,
And will never understand.
And the stupidity in that is beyond my comprehension.
I've always expected better of myself.
Mary Alexander Aug 2016
I was born Alice,
Falling down dark holes of confusion and grief,
Creating a small, glimmering world of my own.
A world which no one could see,
Which no one would want to see.
But a world in which I was content
To dwell alone. But not truly.
I was not comfortable.
I was restless. Hurting.
Chasing rabbits,
Unaware that they were always,
Always chasing something else.
And so I wandered and wondered
Alone.
Still blinking in a daze at the blinding world
That I'd surrounded myself with
Despite my loneliness.
But then I met a curious individual
Who unlike all the others,
Seemed to see the wonders I'd created,.
He was perfectly, undeniably Mad.
And I sprinted towards the familiar madness,
Stunned by the accidental speed,
As I only had time to blink twice before
The Mad Boy and I were skipping in circles,
Screaming flat, mixed notes,
And I had a child's grin on my face.
And then we were drinking a tea which filled us with delight,
Inducing cackling laughter as we
Stood by the rail of a glimmering bridge we'd created,
Pitching perfect, pristine teacups over the edge
While harvesting the chipped, stained ones,
Which we found more beautiful than the others.
Soon we were sprinting through a field of roses,
Accidentally trampling some
With his strange, glowing, purple and orange boots
And my weathered, black, out of character mary janes.
Sprinting faster, faster until
We reach a field of mismatched wildflowers.
And I have just enough time to share final glance
With my Mad Boy
Before I take my third blink.
Mary Alexander Aug 2016
The moment those words sparked from your fingertips,
My heart simultaneously
Broke into billions of pieces
At your hand, one last time,
And my mind was filled with an indifference
That I could no longer control.
An indifference that my heart
Had previously overpowered,
But you see, now that my heart is scattered.
Like the ashes of a withered ancient woman
Over the sea, it can no longer remind
My stubborn mind of
The past, and what could be the present.
It's a curious thing-
Feeling nothing. After four long weeks
Of feeling everything
Despite remaining silent for my
Intense emotions were worthless.
Worthless emotions, worthless if expressed
In any form.
Eyes, arms, song, words spoken or recorded.
Worthless.
The pain of this knowledge.
The pain of love that I did not want but
Could no longer control.
But now
As I weave these words together,
My fingers clicking away
Drifting to a place far from my body.
But now,
The shards of my heart, swarming through space,
Desperately in search for one another,
I feel nothing.
It's no longer in my hands
Mary Alexander Aug 2016
Indirectly,
Timidly, yet
Clearly
Making plans and
Testing waters.
must resist the urge to burst into song every five seconds.
Mary Alexander Jul 2016
My generation is swarming
With new kinds of witches.
Some will be obvious,
Lurking and spitting, throwing
Daggers from the corners of every room.
But on occasion, one will be covert,
With sweet dresses and
Beautiful hair cascading down her shoulders.
Greeting those around her
With a charming smile and wide, bright eyes.
But she weaves a web of deciet and triffling words,
And as she speaks, she clouds your mind, speaking
In foreign tongues which are not
Of this true world, until you
Are caught unaware, for her spell has been cast.
You blink, confused, and look down at your hands,
Trying to ignore the impending sensation of insects
Creeping up your arms
Until you realize.
You realize that her spells are not those of darkness and horror,
They do not come in forms such as toads, dark clouds, or anguish.
Her power, her only power
Is that of one way time travel.
And when she casts her spell, her words take you back
To when you were simple, childish,
12 years of age.
Her words come out in flames,
Painful, cruel flames that scortch your heart,
You fight back, begging her to stop
And realize the pain she is inflicting,
Until you suddenly notice that the words are meaningless.
Words, painful words,
But from a child's mouth.
And you stare at her in horror when your past self
Flees your being while her's remains.
Her words, still shooting from her mouth, now
Small, plastic bullets from
A child's gun.
They sting your skin, but no longer scortch your heart.
She then flies away, charming smile back in place,
Leaving you swaying in utter shock, praying
That her next victim will posess your same
Awareness, and sense the truth behind the flames.
It's terrifying.
Mary Alexander Jul 2016
A thin, yet deadly electric shock
Weaves it's way through my rib cage
In a gentle,
Silent pattern towards my heart.
It's gentleness ceases the moment it hits it's target,
Causing a pain so sharp and persistent that
I am forced to collapse into an angry colored pit filled with confusion and never-ending words.
I blink as my eyes adjust to my ever-changing surroundings and
A brilliant green consumes my mind first,
Bringing a warm sense of safety and trust as my heart
Finds its beat again.
But soon it quickens as a visitor of ivory consumes my being,
And I squeeze my eyes shut against the past white-hot pain
Flashing in front of me before
It is overcome by a powerful red,
Causing tremors to travel in sparks
Up and down my vulnerable arms, and
There's anger, oh so much anger, and my eyes are burning and
I cannot breathe until my surroundings dissolve into
The purest of golds, and I am in a daze.
In pure wonder of what was, a faint smile creeps onto my lips
As I hear a soft, distant laughter, my own mischievous laughter,
That fills me with warmth.
And I shiver when my last visitor comes, envelopes me in
A beautiful deep violet storm of words
Past and present, confusing me and tangling themselves in my mind,
I whip my head around, searching for a way out of this pit
Only to find that there are no doors, there is no escape for me.
I succumb to the bewilderment and allow the violet mass to fully
Enter my mind, which was previously blocked off,
As I try to search my memories for one clue,
One sign to aid my feeble efforts of unraveling this tangled
Purple wire.
And nothing is there.
I am the ultimate mess. Wish me luck.
Mary Alexander Jul 2016
My blanket is a sheet of ice, and my mattress
An uneven boulder with an angry ripple digging into my
Spine as hot tears form thundering rivers down my face.
My face,
Completely still, omitting the occasional blink of my stinging, dull eyes.
My eyes, a vault, containing the hourglass that has become my mind
Where I've collapsed, trembling,
With golden sands streaming from above, somehow finding their way
Into my eyes and mouth as I desperately cross my pale arms
Over my head in a weak attempt
To block The Memories from streaming into my conscious.
No movement. Numb
Still no awareness of my true world other than the wetness of my cheeks,
And the sharp pain which
Is beginning to travel down my spine.
And the sand has surrounded me, obstructing my vision
With their golden projections of The Past,
Burning my eyes and seeping into the cracks
Of the walls around my heart
As I let out my first choking sob,
Causing a painful tremor down my back,
And forcing me to **** away from the rock beneath me.
I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping that I can remove The Memories
From my mind.
I hug my knees to my chest and pray for some
Reprieve.
Praying for
Rest.
Praying for The Numbness to return.
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