i need you
but you're with her.
when i text you
and you don't answer
that ******* hurts.

i thought about killing myself today.
i went to school in a pit of self loathing
did nothing in all of my classes
lied to my friends
came home
and cried as i washed of the day.
i yelled at my sister
didnt laugh at my old best friend's jokes
ate too much food for dinner
left my chores incomplete.
i thought about killing myself today.

why shouldn't i?

your hand on my thigh
my hand on your thigh
the story unfolds
on the screen in front of us
and in our minds

i should've held
onto your arm for
a second longer when
we walked side by
side.
i should've grabbed
your hand on the
car ride
home.
i should've asked
you to walk me
to my front door, and
given you a good night
kiss.
but i didn't.
and now
you're headed
towards the arms of
another girl, and
ill be forced to
sit and smile, and
act like nothings
wrong.
ill have to look at
her at school and
know that she
does all the things
with you that i wish
i could.

i should've kissed you

snowflakes fall
gently to the ground
i wonder if winter would be better
if you weren't around

it's time to sleep
to roll over
and put
my eye mask
on. to think
about my special
bed in the clouds
and drift
into the soft
stream of slumber.
to soar into
that starry sky
and lay upon
a bed made
just for me.
when i reach
my bed i can feel
the warm, heavy
blankets wrap
around my body
in just
the right way so i
feel warm and loved.
i can find
the perfect
position to lay
so my aching
spine is soothed
and my legs
can curl up
like a small baby
who can't quite
straighten them
out just
yet. i'll listen
to the calming
sounds of the
sky. the
whispers wash
over my watery
mind and watch me
waiver into a
whimsy of sweet
dreams where
everything is
always okay.

seasons change
  people grow
   summer heat
     winter snow
       it goes so fast
         you'll never know
           i saw you come
             and watched you go

"close your eyes"
you said.
so i sat there with
my eyes closed.
and as i sat there
on the
floor of your white
bedroom
i felt your gentle
hands hold my face
and guide it
towards yours
so you could
rub the buttery lipstick
on my lips.
i felt it for just a minute
before my mind
turned on.
i wondered
why you told
me to close my
eyes.
was it because you
were looking
at my lips?
i hope the rest
of the makeup on
my face
covered up
my red cheeks.
the romantic
tension hung in
the air like the
set of heavy curtains
on the windows
of your white
bedroom.
the cloth was draping onto
the floor and piling up.
making an
ocean of cloth surrounding
us. but it's
hard to float
in the sea of cloth
and i ended up crawling
out, coughing.
i never
did learn why
you said
"close your eyes".
eventually i
opened my eyes
to your white
bedroom
again. but
this time it
looked different.

"can you come
get water
with me?"

the phrase that would
silence our entire
classroom.

everyone knew
that the
water fountains were
the hotspot of drama.

back then the
matter was extremely
serious.

now it's a joke.

we used to think
our
problems were
these serious things.

but now, as i
stare into the
abyss
of loneliness, i
understand that

it can't be that way anymore,

and it never will be again.

seeing headlights
pass by
and watching the shadow
dance on the walls
reminds me of
lazy summer days
at the lake house.
in the upstairs room
where i would lay next to you
on the big white bed.
we would go downstairs and
have a cinnamon roll
or two.
then splash around
in the lake all day with
the mud in our toes
water around our ankles
scrapes on our knees
cold water in our belly buttons
life jackets pushing
against our chests
and the hot sun
baking our soft skin.
back then
the days were like months
but everything got fast
once we changed grades.
the days were like hours.
i was too busy
to watch the shadows
dance on the walls.
i woke up alone
ate a bowl of cereal
and saw you in class.
no more mud
no water
no scrapes
no life jackets
no sun
but every moment filled
to the brim with
the feeling
of a crush.
hazy daydreams in math
vivid fantasies in english
wild hopes in art
always on your team in gym.
back then
the days were like hours
but the hours were filled with you
and now my hours are
empty
desperately trying
to find someone who
i can compare to you.
the shadows
don't dance on the walls
in my room anymore
but when i see them somewhere else
i think of you.