Mother
I know
Your instincts tell you
How i hurt inside
Though i've never said a word
Nor shed a tear infront of you
And it hurts to imagine
How you find comfort
And sleep in my bed
Whenever i worry you
While i was away
I guess i'm on the hardest
Of all hard days
And the lowest
Of the low
A heartbreak
And uncertainties of what to do
Have been running like rats
In madhouses
Right in my brain
I still haven't mustered
The courage
I never know when
And i know if i tell you
That would break your heart more
I appreciate
How you try to cheer me up
Despite my cranky face all day
How you try to pull me out of my cave
And bring me to places
Though you know
I hate seeing people
And how you try to digress my attention
From buying alcohol
But still buy me anyway
And scolding me when
You found my pack of cigarettes
I wanted to stop mother
I'm working on it
But not now
But this I promise today
For you i won't try
To touch death
Nor even think about it again
There will be days
When I will lock myself in my room
There will be nights
When i will choose to be in solitude
But i promise mother
That i will grow up
That i will grow old
That I will get through this
And one day
I'll be stronger
Like you

-Malaya Sanchez

you were there
……..slowly playing
…………..by the space
……………….and your colors
…………………..harmonize
……………………with my breath
…………………….inside you
……………………..like a psychedelic
……………………. kaleidoscope
……………………..you drifted
…………………….and slowly
……………………you were gone
………………….like a bubble
………………like a euphoria
…………..that suddenly
………became
a dysphoria

I closed my eyes
For a second you were there
Offering your hand, I took it
And we went to nowhere, somewhere i’ve never known of

I saw the silhouettes of lights
playing, flickering like the bits of fire
dancing around the burning wood
As I feel you drawing closer and closer

The silence was music
As we tread our slow waltz
And your skin chafe with mine
I feel our heartbeats haste

I opened my eyes
You disappeared, dissolved
I tried not to let go
But you were gone already

I failed to spare the moment
Sadly, I had to wake up from my dream
Move along
And go on with my life

Do people who
die in their sleep
stay in their dreams
forever?

I saw a child roaming around forest
With her long black flowing hair
Dressed in white tunic
Then she reached a cemetery
Which was made of stained glass
With dug holes but no bodies
And then I just saw her there
Walking around
I knew it wasn’t me
But somebody else
Then i woke up
I was a man who was labelled crazy
And had to see this shrink
Who was sitting on her desk in the same forest
I convinced her to give me some colored pens
Because the stained glass was too beautiful to ignore
And it surrounded the pale child in a white tunic
But she told me that can’t be
Instead she gave me a piece of “chocolate”
Which turned out into a pen
And then i woke up

-Malaya Sanchez

I wish to be a bird and touch the heavens
I wish to turn into dust and kiss the stars
I wish the be a tree breathe by the earth
And be part of it once my leaves fall off
I wish to be the sun beaming across the sky
I wish to become the moon lulling you to sleep
I wish to become the ocean touching the land
With every touch to give you life
I wish to be wind that hums to your ears
I wish to be the rain that meets your skin
I wish to end all sadness
I wish to end all pain
I wish i would sleep forever
And swim in a world of insignificance
And nothingness

It has been quite difficult to look at those eyes
Demented with indifference
Laced with contempt
Days and nights
Of silence
Aching muscles
Bruised arms
And swollen eyes
**** me inside slowly
Day by day
Hoping death is a little bit better
How to keep a struggling smile
How to keep a facade of a phantom happiness
And easily tear up
At the slightest touch
And look at those pitied eyes around
Which i never want to see
And to reply to questions
Which I’m so tired to answer

-Malaya Sanchez

There's a hollow in my heart
That no rain
Nor amount of tears
Can ever fill
And I couldn't figure why
The lump on my throat
Heavy eyelids
Blank stares
Empty feelings
Dry eyelids
Even exist
As I stare to the rain
I always wish
I would also have the courage
To just go on and pour
Every drop
That my heart wants to let out
And ask the gods
To catch them
And give me signs
That the credits will arrive soon
And as i curl myself
I always wish
That someone would save
This little wrecked soul
From something which
She couldn't even recognize

In a city that never sleeps
At 1am the trains have stopped
But jeepney engines roar
You can see a few dressed in ragged
Shouting, sometimes laughing
Their dark skin burnt
By stinging rays of reality
At most times you will see a few going through
Garbage bags and bins for salvation
Just like how they go through
The bulks and ******* of everyday life
At 1am the most interesting people come out
Friends, lovers on a rendezvous
Waiting in line
Hungry
A 68-year old man
Ready to clean up and opens doors for everybody
A teenage girl sitting
Plain bored and disinterested
Until a much older man comes up
Asked a few questions
Then left together
Kids hitching on maddened wheels
Jump off and ask for alms
Ready to grab whatever catches their attention
Like how they hold on to questions
Which their parents fail to answer
At 1am you will see
Street lights and dark alleys
Stop lights blinking red to green then orange
And back to red again
People cross the streets
Cautious, guarded against shadows
Lurking on the darkest corners of the streets
At 1am you will see
The ****** and the blessed
The ill-fated and the comfortable
Mix up on the streets
You may decide to
Go on watching
Or
Put your cigarette out
And call it a day
But for people alive at 1am
Life goes on
In a city that never sleeps

-Malaya Sanchez

Do not offer your hand if you’re going to let go.
Do not offer your ear, if you’ll never listen.
Do not offer your heart, if you’re going to take it back someday.
Do not take someone else’s heart, if at the end of the day, you’ll just throw it away.
Do not build up trust, if someday you will just destroy it down.
Do not give hope, if it’s just going to be false.
Do not talk, if you’re just going to lie.
Do not live, if you believe you’ll just going to die.
Do not take risk, if you’re afraid to fail.
Do not give out, if you don’t want to lose it all.
Do not kiss and make out, if you don’t want to fall in love.
Do not touch the body, if you don’t intend to touch the soul.
Do not ask for somebody’s hand, if you’re going to let her dance alone.
Do not laugh, if others are going to cry.
Do not break, if others wouldn’t bend.
Do not make mess, if you’re not going to clean up.
Do not engage, if you want to be free.
Do not play with fire, if you don’t want to get burned.
Do not swim in the water, if you don’t want to drown.
Do not climb a tree, if you’re afraid to fall.
Do not go to the rooftop, if you’re easily jaded by heights.
Do not go to work, if you don’t want to get tired.
Do not settle, if you can’t be consistent.
Do not make a deal, if you can’t compromise.
Do not do sin, if you don’t want to pay the price.

All of these, you’re free to do
but let’s see, at the end of the day
WHAT MOLDED YOU

A rainy afternoon
Amnesiac was playing
Wishing I would be one when I go back
And I’ve drown myself
In Bukowski’s soul
Just the way I needed it
So I won’t have to
Depend on the sleeping tonic
Lying around the room
Everything was becoming peaceful
Swimming in tabula rasa that give me hope
Arms becoming numb
Eyes starting to shut
Just the way I want to
Then someone from the gates of hell
Decided to pull me out of it
“Malaya! Malaya! Are you going out?”
The most nonsense question
To my utmost annoyance i almost flipped everything
But composed myself
And replied “no!!!”
**** this ****
Solitude is my bestfriend
But he was not here
When I needed him most

-Malaya Sanchez

I watched how she walks through the pavement
With her chin up and shoulders straight
I watched her dainty hair being blown by the wind
And how she sit and light her smoke
I watched how she see through the horizon
I watched how she cringes by the wind
I watched how she walks
And enter a house with a cat that doesn’t talk
I watched how she makes dinner
I watched how she stares at it
I watched how she flicks through tv channels
With no interest whatsoever
I watched her light another pack
I watched how she amuses herself with the dissolving smoke
I watched how she silently carresses the cat
And scratches his head, the cat likes that
I watched how she decides to go to bed
I watched how she looks into nothing
I watched how she cries more
And love less
Think more
And sleep less
Wallow more
And eat less
Die more
And live less
I just watched her
And couldn’t save her
Then I realized
I was her

-Malaya Sanchez

As my world crumbles
My soul aches
Trying to figure out
The woes of this reality
Which you nor i
Can ever change
Nor fix
Several times i ran
And ran and ran
And several times
I wished
We would stay asleep
Stop the time
And prayed to the gods
To freeze hell all over
But nothing worked
Still my heart is bludgeoned
Every time i see you smile
Everytime we are awake
Everytime the clocks are ticking
And everytime when the gods
Choose not to grant
This greedy rogue's wish

When brain cells wouldn't work
The body couldn't sleep
The soul wants to eat
The mind floats
The flesh becomes weak

I kept on fighting
For my limbs
For my arms
And my heart
I kept on fighting
Because i need them
Just not to function
But to live fully
I keep on fighting
I see them lurking around
The walls
The streets
Even under your cousin's pillow
And under our bed
I am afraid
I admit
I am afraid
Of losing
I am afraid that you might see me
Not needed anymore
If you decide
To feed me to the wolves
Following us around
With their teeth bare
And those gazing eyes
One day you told me
That my grip is too binding
And you want to be free
I had no choice
But to give you
All the freedom of the earth
And suddenly one day
You came rushing to me
Cursing
Cursing
And cursing
And went away
And one day
My limbs
My arms
And my heart
Were no longer there
Hallucinations of nostalgia
I was fed to the wolves
And you went away with them
At such an ungodly hour
I prayed that the universe would save me
For i am left bare with my soul

-Malaya Sanchez