Dear best friend,
I miss you even though I see you just about every day
I miss the secrets you used to tell me
And the inside jokes we’d make
That special something that made our connection unique
Now you leave conversation a tad earlier
Hug a moment shorter
Respond to my messages a day later
I keep forgetting I’m not your best friend
Not since your eyes started to stare away when I talk
Drifting into a place you’d rather be
With a person you’d rather be with
I don’t know your schedule anymore
Or what big events are going on in your life
You are not obligated to tell me
And I act like I don’t notice
Because I have no claim on you
Or your time
But you’re still the first person I want to talk to
About the best and worst parts of my day
I want to tell you that I wish you were there with me
But that’s not fair
And I know it wouldn’t mean the same
Not anymore

Don't fall in love with me
Look away when I gaze into your eyes
You'll feel guilt from my forgiveness
My honestly will make you scared to lie
I'll cut myself on your sharp edges
And ruin your favorite songs
Give you the power to crush me
And love your every wrong
I'll teach you that love is easier than you've made it
And hand myself over to you
You'll find I have much to give
But scared that it'll be abused
And if you happen to reject
Or take me for granted
Don't be upset when I don't stay
Because I'm not a counterfeit romantic

It’s the worst at night
Alone
With ink-lit quietude as company
I feel the disconnect
And miss you
When I’m with others
With guards of delusion
The illusion schemes
And I only need myself
Or whatever phantasm I can attach to

I can’t go to places that remind me of you
Knowing that familiarity is gone
Returning a little wiser
A little sadder
Lingering in a certain spot to get a feel of what’s left
I used to listen to my heart
But I can’t rely on it anymore
So now my mind plays tricks on me
I thought I saw you walking on campus the other day
And in the dining hall
And in the car that passed me
Hell
Even in my rear-view mirror
I heard you in my best friend’s laugh
And your criticism in that song you hate
I’ve fallen in love with a ghost
Scenarios burden my conscious
Romanticizing a lie
I make excuses for why you’re gone
Why you ignore me
That it’s my fault
I want to remedy this disconnect
But I don’t want to change
If you’ve given up on me
Someone told me that you see what you want to see
I guess that makes me a masochis t
Because seeing you is pain
And I keep looking for you
I still see you
Knowing you’re not here

Do you still keep all the parts of me I gave to you?
Or will they be forever lost?
Your memory of me drawn to abstraction
My name a generalized jumble of blame
The love you didn’t want I now lack
Is it lost in there?
Cemented in your thick skull?
Does the fire ignited between us now only exist as a shadow?
Does it haunt you like it’s absence haunts me?
I exist as a figment of your imagination
Whatever truth you choose to believe
Am I still in there?
Still human?

My heart has risen from it’s dormant winter
No longer blanketed by clouded skies
It’s cold comfort no longer appealing
And can no longer cover my shadows, my footprints, my pride
They parted like window drapes
To a view so intimidating and sublime
Of all the possibilities
For a future- to myself- I denied
During this season
It took too much effort to bade off
The allure of such a melancholy dream
It took a strength I did not possess
A truth I could not confess
But now I have found the courage to find the warmth inside of me
To brighten my tunneled vision
To see my own faults
But realize things happen for a reason
As if warmth gives to warmth
And misery feeds into misery
But no one has to be the villain

What is it about late nights that sparks words soon forgotten in the morning?

You said you would leave

"Don’t leave"
Quietly whispered in the tucks of your arms

"I won’t
You’re the reason that I’m staying"

But why such a glance
Or an unfamiliar fear in your eyes in the morning

"I shouldn’t feel the way I do about you
It’s wrong"

But

I do

In the night

But let’s forget about it

Sweet surrender of love, cast down your sorrows
Your fingers gently seize onto my flesh
I willingly submit to your invasion
Plucking my heart ripe

I remember when you used to love me
The sweet nectar linger on your lips
Dripping tears of reconciliation
Speaking words of declaration

I'd like to believe that you're not satisfied
That our love preserved in your eyes
Those scopes which used to adore me
Now glossed over with hazy indifference

I now know by this deafening silence
And the weight left on "goodbye"
That I was never enough to love me
You never even tried.