i want to scream at the top of the world
and proclaim to the people
that you are the one i love
but i sit at the base of the mountain
with my legs crossed over each other
breathing deeply into my lungs
patiently waiting for the trees to fall
around me and upon deafening ears.
you bring out something inside of me
that i don't believe i've ever felt before
and yet, this feeling is terrifying
for i fear its longevity and weight.
but there is a calmness in this chaos
for in the center of the storm is peace
and i find it quite nice to be sitting here
with you beside me as i calculate the stars
and how they aligned to get me here with you.
compassionate eyes rest on you and i give
my most vulnerable self to your open palms.
how much my open heart bleeds for your love
and yet, how much i want to wrap it up
and store it away for you to never see.

but you've had that key round your neck
and you unlocked me from the very start
my soul got outta the box,
the second you held my hand in the car
the second(s) you played your favorite song(s) for me
the second you opened your closets
and allowed those skeletons to scatter
the second you laid on me and fell asleep
with my hands in your hair
the second you looked at me with truth
and told me you loved me, really.
the second you held me all night long,
in a way that i've never been held before
the second you put on those cheap sunglasses
to hide your poker face
the second you let go of your fear
and let love take over
the seconds in between our silences
the seconds in between our kisses
the seconds in between our meetings
the seconds in between dumb jokes
and stupidity and reckless abandon
the seconds in between our competitive stares
the seconds in between one song and the next
the seconds of peeling back another layer
of who we truly are...

poindexter says: the greatest second of your life,
is the moment you fall in love
but i have a contrast and complex feeling about this
because we fall in love many times in our life
so rather, the greatest seconds of my life
are the ones i'm spending with you.
regardless of the fear i hold deep
there is something special about you
and something special about this --
i don't know what it is yet, but as I've learned
i don't need to know everything
and that is the greatest lesson of them all.

i'm made of iron
cast beautifully
each curve
marking the miles
i've run
each bruise
marking the fists
or cuts that mark
those words spoken
a statue, a goddess
hardened by years
of life gone awry.
but in honesty,
i live quite the
charmed life
lucky in most things
i do, with the exception
of love.
so, i wait patiently
for the moment
that my heart will
crack open to reveal
crystallized sweetness.
that will happen
the day that the
world stops turning
because of him.
for now,
i keep my walls up.

My body shakes as I wait in line
Is your plane going to be on time?

I can feel my heart, beating so fast
My hands tingling, my arms burning
I just want your touch, your eyes upon mine

And my heart comes up into my throat
As I think about my love for you
And that time that I see your face coming towards me
Feels like an eternity

But there you are, walking into my arms
From long flights and hard days spent apart
You kiss my waiting lips
And I dare not pull away from the moment of true bliss
Give into me, let me hold you up.

I have your heart.
No matter how long I must wait to keep it forever.
I have it and will take care of it.
Let me.
And I will let you take mine.

From dust we came and to dust we will return.
But my love for you,
Absolute.

Music to my ears, the rush of water un-
mistakingly caresses my hand. I re-
member looking at my hand close to yours wishing
maybe you'd hold it and see.

Graciously, you leapt to me and be-
grudgingly I floated away.
Gracefully, you closed your heart and like
glass I shattered you, but still you stay.

Soft against you, I push and pull.
Straining to escape what I had begun
Simply because the answer was yes
So now my eyes blink hard in the sun.

I swim to you, but you're too far now
I have lost all hope of holding you
I submerge into the coolness of your gaze
I desire so much to be, not one, but two.

Licensed diver, I went too far
Longing now to swim to the very deep
Longing to dive into you, close to your heart
Living with your ghost, it's close enough to sleep

You, in my veins, pressure on my body
You, in my heart, pressure on my soul
You, in my mind, unlocking the chest
You, in my body, one with the wind you become.

The difference between
in love
and love
is a dispute through every relationship I have had.

Poindexter says;
the greatest second you will
ever have on this earth is
the exact moment you fell
in love.

I remember, looking at your face
through a computer screen
and reminiscing on our moments
and I remember that moment;
you were laying on the bed
yellow wallpaper
orange mattress
faded sheets
bare back to me
freckle constellations
and I touched you
and fell in love.

and you said, "I love you"
and I pretended I couldn't hear you just so you would say it again
"******, of all the times to cut out, THIS is when it does?!"
I smiled.


I remember another moment
another human
laughing
bright smile
hair long and sheen
slender and poised
boots
leggings
eye contact
and I fell in love

and you said, "Do you love me?"
and I ran away.
Heated face.

On your bed, another human
you said the words
and I had already fallen
and been in that vulnerable state for weeks
already said I loved you in french
to which you said, "No, don't say that"
"Too soon"
And you were leaning against the wall
guitar in your lap
fingers strumming
staring at me tenderly
"I love you"
"What?" I said.
I ran again.
and now, empty handed

uncomfortable in my next encounters
shying away
even more venomous am I now.
Disgusted with love
and with being in love.
Wanting anything but.

you leaning over me
"Because, I love you."
and me saying carefully
"I'm in love with you."
discomfort in my body

Not wanting to waste precious words again
but I did anyway
throwing them about.
just like I threw others about
tearing up hearts
relentlessly.
tearing up lives
effortlessly.
tearing up people
nonchalantly.

a dangerous siren.
remembering each moment
she fell in love
and wondering;
was it real?

Cold between my lips
Warm inhale, heated exhale.

Clicking fingers to create fire.
Burning scent, sweet and complimentary.

Elegant smoke, pouring from the mouth.
White, thick, warm, alive.

It makes life bearable when I'm without you.
The sense of lifelessness, but of life.
My body is just a vessel
for the music and the visions I see.
I'm in the clouds, above the pain
Behind the wounds
Across from the aches.
Away from the life I am a part of.

I see what I desire, and yet
I cannot have it yet.

So I sit here
And I create an escape for myself.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
And all the pain slips away.

It rings in my ears
as I see your pictures displayed on my screen
It rings in my heart
as I see your name displayed on that playbill
It resounds in my soul
as I feel my eyes water with tears
It feeds into my mind
as I cry over you and your return to music.

I would have never thought, almost two years later
that your name would still be on my lips
I would have never thought, almost two years later
that your voice would still be in my mind
I would have never thought, almost two years later
that your voice would be back on the stage
And yet, I see your name there and I weep for joy.

I weep because I was afraid I had ripped music
away from your life
I weep because it is not the case any longer
I weep because I know you are over me
I weep because you are happy and I am not.

I hear your song, forever imprinted
I feel your body, forever felt.
I feel your soul pushing farther and farther away
Scrambling, fighting, resisting my call...
My call for another chance, for a seventh one, for an eighth
or however many I have begged for again
and again.

I weep because I know you will never see this
I weep because your love is gone
and my heart is empty.

As empty as the ski slopes early in the morning
As empty as the theater after the show
As empty as the alleyway where we parked the car
As empty as your home when all were gone
As empty as the roads, when they were covered in snow
As empty as our beer glasses
As empty as our summer days
As empty as those hours on skype when I was asleep
As empty as my promises to you
As empty as my promises to you
As empty as my promises to you
As empty as my promises to you.

Empty.
Empty.
Empathy.
Never.
Felt.

"I can't do this anymore"
I hear.
"I can't handle this."
"I'm sorry."
Empty.
Empty. Empty.

Deafness is an understatement.

You slash words at me.

I can't breathe anymore.
I'm done with this constant chain.

binding me to your side.
You just want me to be something else.

I just want you to know who I am.

The truth is that I love him
and you don't understand.

Life is too short to pretend
to be someone else.

Life is too short to never love.

Too short, like this po

The rain comes as a shock
to the dry Texas land

The soil can no longer remember
a time where its thirst was quenched.

The hills are painted with clear intentions
and the earth smells of a fresh upheaval.

The roots dig profoundly into the planet
and extend from below to the cosmos above.

Awakened, within the terra firma,
a seraph reaches up into the leaves
and caresses the lush branches.

How long it has been
since the being could attain
and comprehend
the artistry of this world.

At the touch of life,
the being steps out
of its transcendental state unlocked from

her chains
of depleted soil.

She is cautious to be held in the bough.
But a flower blooms merely at her gaze
and obsequiously transitions from colorless
to the deepest amethyst ever beheld by eyes.

Down it comes, drenching the forest,
spreading its nourishment.
Small crystals appearing as tears
brighten the cheeks of the seraph's smile.

Color
rushes into her skin and she appears
to blossom
in her comfort and confidence,
mirroring that flower.

Snuggly she rests her seasoned heart
within the boughs she's only just
begun to fathom and question.

Is this renaissance ephemeral?
Even if it is, this,
this child of the earth knows the rain
is a feeling – and it's ineffable.

I am a child of the earth.
My God holds me in his arms
Gives me challenges
Always pulls me back up

I am a child of my mother
My God gave me breath
Gives me joy
Always brings me to freedom.

I am a free soul.
I channel my God.
I am the earth.
I am myself.
And you -

You tried to jail me
You tried to take away my God
in exchange for your own.
But you-

You lost.

I am free.

I will never kiss you again
and let you steal my spirit away.

Reverb into my bones
Shatter my fears
Tease my thoughts
Whispering fearlessness
Smoothed touch
Pulsating glances
Endless night
Senseless sunlight
Aching hearts
Dearest darkness

Inside of you and I.

there you were,
standing in your
yellow aura
and i blinked.
and all that was
left was this gold dust,
shimmering
and the ethereal
shadow of what
we could have been.

i loved you.
i still love you.
i always will.

the sunshine of your
smile will be imprinted
in the palette of my mind
as the softest and brightest
of daffodils.
your eyes will be
painted with
aureate flecks
and chocolate
and your hair a collective
shade of the deepest
parts of my soul, dark
and distinct against
the daylight
that collapses

                    to
         its
            
knees
when it reaches your cheeks.

I outline you in my heart
with the clearest acryllic
so as not to ever forget
your form and the
way that it nestled to mine.

You, my darling
are the color that I used
to despise the most,
because that color represents
a part of me I could
never understand and love
before I met you


my forever sunflower.

My heart is so heavy,
as I walk down this street.
All I wish is to come home
and to have you to greet.

The spaces in between
my hands are empty and numb
and as I sit here longer
the emptier they become.

I look upon your side,
where your precious smile should be
And all I see in space
and a living shadow of me.

So here, I rest my head
hoping the time goes fast
And I close my eyes
and inhale the past

I smell you, even though it's been months
and I feel your skin smooth
as I snuggle in my pillow.

What would life be without my love?
My soul, my dreams.

What would life be without that simple kiss
Every morning
Every night.

What would life be without the simplistic beauty.
Without his green eyes.
Without his copper hair.

I could never imagine such a place
As I am sure it is far from fond
A place where I roam in darkness
And reach for you beyond.

So darling, know I suffer
Know that I feel as you do
And think of all the kisses I will bring
Once I am with you.

The clouds in the sky are fluffy runs
With the imprint of skis passing through them
In perfectly rounded patterns of the experienced skier
And in zig zags of someone who may not be so inclined.

I drive to my next task, the sun burning my face with intensity
And I breathe in the cool spring air that juxtaposes the blazing star.

It's so beautiful and yet so dim.
Those memories fill my mind with a thick smoke of remorse and regret.
Beautiful images turn to ugly truths as I drive down 95.

I turn on the music to hear a good song,
Hoping that my playlist of feel good music will help to lift the burden.
And yet, I'm still caught thinking about you
Amid the overbearing wash of depeche mode.

I love their songs as much as I love you still. It's a forever love that even after weeks of not thinking and not listening, I still return to that hollow yet comfortable place.

My mind rolls on to other thoughts as I roll the window down to aid the wind in caressing it's fingers through my hair. I allow nature to substitute for you.

I only wish the rays from the sun would be as gentle as your touch once was and not harsh like the words that were spoken between us.
And I wish the clouds did not form into such shapes as to remind me of that smirk you held as you skied beside me, so proud of my progress.
And I wish the wind was you instead of simply just being wind.

But instead, as I drive and think all these wishful thoughts, there is not an element to nature that can dry my tears like you.

I sob as the sun presses and the clouds move. The wind continues to caress me and I can only accept the little bit of solace I get from it.

God bless the wind.

Quiet whispers from along the road
The misty morn cool and polite

I keep my head down low
And cross my heart, hoping

Though the whispers are faint
They have always been there

Creeping and crawling
Under my skin
Urging me forward
Yearning for me
to come to them.

My body is like the river along this path
Ebb and flow, always changing
Cool and collective
Calm and seductive

I close my eyes
And the wind picks up
Kissing my ears,
Fostering my mouth

A flower blooms
along the road

Cerulean against the gray

I feel I am that flower.
Water in me
Open space before me

I have vivid dreams of you,
wrapped around me.
One moment you're there,
the next; gone.
Last night, I dreamt of you again.
Like I do most nights.
And I talked to you
and it was so sweet hearing the honey pour from your lips
and so relieving to see a smile again.
For though I thought loneliness would be the answer
to keep you safe and sound
and to protect myself...
This is not the truth; it has only made my journey more difficult
especially now that I can only speak to you in dreams.
Only in dreams can I share with you my secrets,
my desires,
my hopes,
my fears.
For of all the people I've met in this lifetime...
You were the only one who has understood me the most.

Maybe I'll be stuck in this purgatory forever
Looking for you in every woman I meet
Maybe I'll only be able to ever speak to you in my dreams
Looking forward to those nights where I can feel free once again.

I talked to my mentor; told her what I did to you
blamed myself
blamed everything I did wrong
my stupidity
my insecurity
and all she could offer
was that I shouldn't have burned my bridge

and I sit back and look at it still smoldering
just like those glances you gave me at the airport.
Filled with pain,
anxiety
betrayal.
How dare you.

How dare I indeed...
to take such purity of heart and give it away hoping it would help
but only destroying what was most precious to me.
How dare I.

How dare I take your trust and burn it.
Never trying to hurt intentionally
but always slicing so deep...and deeper...and deeper.
Until three times was the charm
and you only meet me at night
in my vivid dreams
where we can speak
with no pain
no sadness
no concept of betrayal
just us
just us
just us
just me.
only me
awake
wanting
to
be in...
in my vivid dreams...

with
you.

Your lies in your eyes as you sit and realize. What a mistake was made when you threw it all away. Don’t you feel upset when you think of that day, when you brought yourself to one knee 2 months after May. Wasn’t it sickening when you said those words that ended it all in a rushed fashion. Turning your cheek and completely leaving, empty handed. Running from what you were afraid of, and leaving me abandoned. How could you just cut me off, and never speak to me again? Like I’m a ghost in your past. A ghost in your closet, grey and black. How could you do this simple deed and leave me on the side of the road to bleed. As if I meant nothing to you in your life, you were willing to toss it away. Trash, never treasure, that’s what I hear you say. I loved you to the very end, no matter what I constantly would bend. Maxing out my credit and taking out a loan so that you would never have to be alone. Not only that but I pushed all aside, in school and family and in friends, so that I could abide. With you, I would feel you were my soulmate and now knowing you could easily sever my tether, I wonder if my worth was ever so great. I based my reality on this dream of us, being together and never having to fuss. And yet, we talked about how we never fought and when we finally did we saw what it brought; Pain and suffering to a relationship too perfect it seemed, how could we have been so stupid to think it would always gleam. In the light, we saw some true colors of each other, but I think those bad things are not enough to make us hate one another. Could you please just look once more at our photos together and see those smiles and know it was worth while. That we were not meant for a separation such as this, and this emptiness we feel is nothing like our kiss. All I can recall from our moments together is all the beautiful times and the beautiful weather. Positives outweigh negatives that’s what I’ve always said. I even told you with that other guy that’s how I felt, and now I’m telling you here. Out of our two years together, this was only the second major fire and I really cannot fathom why the building came crashing down so quickly. We have our faults and I definitely know I have mine. But I can’t help but think that there is some sort of line. Did I cross it? Yes indeed, but I couldn’t help it when I felt threatened and helpless. Misunderstanding your words and feeling attacked…when in reality you were just fighting back. A never ending circle that could have been stopped if we had both just calmed down and talked for a spot. Like cool headed adults that we really are and not impassioned children that we became. I really feel like we could have retained all of this anger and sadness. I really do. I really feel we could repair it if we just started with a bit of glue. Glue of compassion and glue of understanding. Glue of love and comprehending. Darling, you made my world worth while. You made it all ok. And that was the happiest moment those two months after May. To see it all shatter, right before my eyes. I can’t even believe it, I feel as if my soul has died. So please, I urge you to look once more. Make a list if you must, but look again into the dust. See our relationship as a whole painting and no just the smattering of ink upon a dim page. Look at the positives. Look at the beauty. For I see it and I know that we are more than our mistakes. More than our flaws. I know that I am more than what you saw. Forgiveness is a key part of any relationship, friend or lover. So please, do you have it in your heart to take the blemish and cover? It would be the best day of my life in these past weeks, if I could just call you up and not have to weep. What joy I would be brought to have that person back, who I met between the romantic buildings of Europe. What joy I would be brought to have the person back, who kept me upright in the snow. What joy I would be brought to have that person back, who kissed my tear stained cheeks and held me so close.
Look back, darling. Look back into the past. Look at the picture as a whole. Don’t you wish the same things? Don’t you want to restart? Refresh? Renew?
I know that I do.

Ambitions are behind
my back.
Crossed, like my fingers.
When I promised

Eternity, in the bottom of my glass.
Leaking along.

Away you tremble.
I may come closer.
But turn.

Cover my arms in white,
you said.

Cover my body in cream,
you said.

Cover my face in veil,
you screamed.

"You're gonna be somebody"

So I dropped the glass.
Blood wine on the floor.

Threw the promise
in your face.

And stormed away
My legacy thundering

Like my laughter when you first said you loved me.

The wrinkles by your eyes
the beauty of that smile.
The deepness of your sighs
please stay for a little while.

The shade of your eyes
under that snowy cover
Showed true love, true skies
Soft beneath the arms of you, my lover.

If I could savor this,
please allow me to feel
the kiss of subtle bliss
A kiss to seal our deal.

It was love from that moment, here
It was love from that moment...
Though you are not near.

I've watched many a documentary since you've slipped from my arms
Sinking deep into the earth, becoming part of the spiritual world.

I've read many a book and focused only on school since you've
evaporated into the sunny atmosphere above my blonde head.

The most recent documentary, Cosmos, is all about what is around us
and how insignificant we are in such a vast and expansive universe.

When I watch it, I think of you of course
And I can't help but think how insignificant our problems are
in such a vast and expansive universe...
And I can't help but think how foolish it was to fight.

The Australian Aboriginal people believe in something called
"The Dreaming"
Where the earth was once covered all in water
And the "creative-spirits" came from the water...
Forming the mountains, the plains, the animals, and the people.
Then, when done, the rest of their energy

Went up into the heavens to become the constellations
Or down into the earth.

It's funny to compare, but I feel like you were a creative spirit in my life.
You came, and conquered my heart.
You came and captured my soul, bringing me joy and light and happiness.
You painted beautiful ideas and wishes and dreams and imprisoned them into my being.
And then, when all of the energy you could give was expelled...

You were gone.

Different parts of your spirit flew up into the heavens or sunk into the ground.
And now, you're constantly all around me.

I see your shadow in the things you liked and the things you disliked
I feel your unspoken and spoken words.


I can never look at an apple again without thinking,
"He really hated apples"

Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, because it's not.
Sometimes I do cry.
Sometimes I do get very angry at myself or at you...
But I never think, "I regret that relationship."

Because I simply do not.
Everything,
and I mean Everything
happens for some kind of Purpose.

Our "Dreaming" was meant to begin in those cobbled streets of Prague
and end in a desperate and angry text message.
Our "Dreaming" was meant to make an impression on our hearts.
Our "Dreaming" was meant to create a beautiful painting of two people who loved each other so much, they could not even be together.

And then our creative spirits were meant to become the constellations
and the earth we walk upon so that someday
we would truly appreciate the person we
were really meant for.

Maybe, maybe we are meant for each other.
Maybe, we just need more time.
But I know I can say with one thing certain
in my heart,
I loved you. I love you. And I always will.

With you,
Nothing else need exist.

soft and rough patches
covered in scars and old stories.
blood under the shield, hiding away
blue, not black like the circles beneath my eyes.
yours, I still smell faintly
when I lie on that side of my bed.
wish I could sleep well without you.
wish you were next to me.
with you, I am at
Peace.

The steady pulse
of my beating heart

Swings in time with the soothing cello
And strings of earth and air

I see my body, I am outside
I am no longer within

My thoughts are just bubbles
floating in the air

My feet are just stable
but not part of the earth

This is my death
The passing away of my soul

Deepening the plunge,
as I immerse myself within the sorrow

Give away my soul, you say
Stay, you say
Do, you say
Don't, you scream
muffled.

I cry out in those leaping intervals
The painful pulls of your desires
ripping at my already weakened heart.

My strength deteriorates as the dominant over turns
I, lying on the ground, cold to you.

Amen, they say.
To men. The end.

My heart is a house
and it's open for rent
To stay and to sleep
I thought you were meant
to live here for good
I was about to hand you the keys
but you lived and you left
without paying the fees.

More tenants came in
and they messed up my floors
they ripped off the wallpaper
and they knocked down the doors.

Then you came along
and you spackled the wall.
You painted the doors
and I began to fall
down those stairs so high
I tripped and I hurt
but by the time I got up
all that was left was your shirt.

It was stuck on the banister
as if you had fled without thought
I fell to my knees
because my breath was not caught.

Tears clouded my eyes
as my hope was shattered once more
To love is too dangerous
now I will forever lock my door.

Sacral, sacred, ******, sensual, satiated, subtle, superior

Svadhisthana entwines. In and out. Creativity and ***.
The more you engage yourself with another
the stronger the bond becomes in your sacral region
So the stronger the bond,
the harder it is to break.

Firsts especially. First love. First ****. First whatever.
Orange and bright and with long creeping fingers
reaching into you and wrapping around you.

Do you ever wonder why after
a bad breakup...
you can't seem to do anything?
Your creativity is gone.
Any motivation. Everything aches.
You have guilt and a sinking feeling of loss.

It's Svadhisthana. It's your sacral being
which has been entwined with something
too much
too deep
too intense

and now you're stuck
and forever you're stuck
in this place where each person
you sleep with
is constantly
there
somewhere
in
your
head

For an instant, I saw your reflection
and, for a moment, I touched your fingertips
through the glass, as if it were water
Your glance was so clear
and sharp through that light
I almost stuttered as I shook
from the force of it all.
But I pushed too far and it cut too deep
and the edges of your face
slipped from view and I was left
shattered on the floor,
once again.

Fingertips graze the spine
as the mind unhinges its
large jaws of speech,
Gnawing at the prospect
of knowing you through time
and space.
What enters my heart is
no longer darkness
But only the light of the
beautiful earth. I
descend into my body
again. Even after my
trancendental experience.
I give myself to the music
as it always is rushing
through my veins. Blood
that is an inferno of
statement and philosophy.
Where do you stand in this
game with me? Checkmate?
Pawn? Bishop? King?
Slide into me oh Rook.
Destiny calls to us.

We wait, with baited breath,
for the summer to finally arrive.
And yet, when that summer
engulfs our lives
We are in stasis.
Our passions, our drive
are emptied into the warm
lonely days,
Where we seek solitude
and yet company from those
who makes us feel.
We lose ourselves in each other
and fall backwards into arms
that we wished so dearly to escape
from, and now, can't get enough of.
Our passions begin to divide
and our path is no longer clear
as that bright sun moves across
the day and burns our skin
to a crisp, candy apple.
Summer brings about the best
and the worst of my desires,
how quickly I wish the fall
to come.

Kiss me goodbye
Just do it already.
Let me slip through your fingers.
Let me die alone in my bed.
Let me feel nothing again.

Please let me go, if that is truly what you wish.
If you mean it, do it.

Just kiss me goodbye.
Do it already.

the more i'm alone,
the better i like myself.
it's like i constantly
must look into a mirror
and identify every curve
every blemish
every scar
every piece of myself
that i used to despise.
and even mentally
the loneliness and solitude
is like someone who is constantly
bandaging and tending
to the bruises and cuts
in my mind.
the more i'm alone,
my confidence and love of life
flourishes.
every person should find their
solitude
and relish in its absolute.

Away you walk
Into the line to fly away
Your feet shifting as you stand before me
And kiss my forehead.
I died in my heart
And my eyes watered
And my stomach dropped
As you turned away and left me.

As soon as I lost sight of you
My body felt empty
My soul lost its fire
My lip trembled
My tears fell fast and many

I died.

I no longer was alive.
No longer did I desire it.
All I wanted
was to go with you.
Fly away from here.
Come away to you.
To live in your heart, in your home.
I no longer had arms or legs.
For you were my everything.
You are my everything.
Still. Now. Here. There.

You are part of me,
my completion.

without you,
I am dust.

I exist only to see you again.

You are stable,
grounded and tall.
Sinking into you,
I have no fear of failing or falling.
For I have soft grass beneath my feet
and a purple and azure sky above me.
You, are my first and foremost.
You, provide it all
You donate your love unconditionally
and you fall at my feet.
You, are all I truly need
For I am you, and you are me.
Self-Love is the only love
you can get without hesitation.
Self-Love is the only love
grounded in earth's rotation.
Day or Night
Winter or Summer
Hardship or Success
You, yourself, will always be.

Though the sun has barely set,
the course for tomorrow has already begun.
I imagine you putting on your armor
to embrace the night.

Though the sun has just gone down,
the course for battle has already begun.
I imagined you fighting
to keep me away.

Though the night has fallen now,
the course for pilgrimage has already begun
I see myself crawling through the grass
searching for your armored figure.

Though it is now midnight,
and the sky is pitch black
I see your figure dancing in the moonlight
taunting me to come closer.

Though it is now past 1,
and the moonlight is bright and vivid
I see myself edge closer to you
trying to beg for mercy

For it is not battle I wish any longer
For it is not pain I wish for you, any longer
For it is not what I wanted from the start
so now I am here, at your feet, with you and your sword

And you place the blade upon my shoulder,
and you pull every so slightly,
to cut into my skin
revealing my blackened blood
which then turns red as I look into your gaze.

You mouth words to me,
that are so floral and elegant
and you say to me those words I've been
dying, to hear.

For this love, it is what I wished for
from the moment I knew who you were
For this love, it is what I hoped for
from the moment you knew who you were

And now I lay at your feet
a saint with a past
and a sinner with a future
Admittedly imperfect
Admittedly cruel
Kissing the warm earth
where you walk.

Indeed, I can't believe it
It's been almost two years
Since we broke each other's hearts.

Ah, indeed, two years ago you got down on one knee
can you believe it?
You and I?
Were to be married?
I scoff at the fact now;
promising to never trust anyone as much
like I did you.

Looking back though,
all I see was the good in us
the good in you.
It makes me smile now,
instead of weep uncontrollably.

Finally, after almost two years
I feel at peace with your disappearance.

I remember last year,
calling you,
crying,
pleading.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
But now, I look at the phone and roll my eyes
whenever I have the brief thought.
Usually after way too much to drink. Usually whiskey.

I still am in shock. Two years? Impossible.
That means, almost four years ago we met. Weird, isn't it?
I wonder if you think of me with disdain,
or disgust, or sadness, or happiness.
To be honest, I'm not sure if I ever wish to know
how you feel of me.

The reason I write this,
well, I had a dream of you.
As usual, I write my poetry due to dreams
why not?

In my dream, I ran after you trying to talk to you
and you ran away from me, not unusual really.
You finally let me talk to you,
you invited me into your home
showed me pictures of your girlfriend (do you have one? I don't know)
showed me your success and I just smiled
I was so happy for you.
a feeling I haven't ever felt for you since we separated.

Happiness for your happiness.
Hmph, what a concept.

and when I awoke,
I realized I had finally accepted your absence.
Finally. I was free from your *******.
Free from my desire to ever be with you again.
Finally. Free. Free to be free!

I went outside of my tent (I was camping at the time of my dream)
did yoga in a field full of wildflowers
kissed the air
worshipped the warmth of the sun
and let you go.

Finally. Free. Finally.
Almost two years later.

Goodbye.

No longer can I run and not think of you.
you spitting and hissing
go faster. don't quit.
I hate it.
I can no longer try to better myself
without your name flashing before my eyes

the sweat on my brow feels like blood.

you have killed the simplest thing for me,
you murderer.

When I look in that mirror, I still hear you
you're fat. you're not worth it.
you need to be better.
you're not good enough yet.
sometimes i wish you were prettier.
you think i'm not doing you a favor?
i'm only with you because i'm trying to help you.

It hurts my heart to hear that still burned into my head.
your Words so vile.
my stomach aches just to think about it. about you.

Everyday, though, I become stronger.
And ruin your vice grip on my life.

I'm trying to run from you. I will.

it's sunday morning
i'm sitting at the table
you're still in bed
but i hear the alarm go
you'll be down soon.
i'm the morning person.
i've made you tea,
and myself some coffee
stirred in some honey
some toast
some jam
a few slices of fruit
the birds outside are
joyfully conversing
about their warm
restful evenings.
cars pass our home
and the sunlight
that reaches through
the window begs me
to stay in this infinite
paradise that is a life
with you, my darling
whoever you are
this figment of my
imagination
whom i dream of at the
earliest points of the
day, wishing and waiting
to spend a simple
sunday morning
with you.

The crimson wax burns onto the edges
and I press down to close the letter shut.
My eyes are focused intensely.
The emblem beneath my hand
shows the crest of my family name.
Enclosed in this parchment
are the last of my words to you.
I will send no more letters,
no more sighs,
no more abrupt sobs.
It's all in here and it's all closed.
Handing the letter over to you,
I gaze into your cold stare
and shudder.
Your eyes still make me melt
and my stomach turn.
Place me as a seal upon your heart
as I have placed you upon mine.
Forever and ever I will remember
your voice,
your tears,
your smell.
Burn me into your mind
as you have been burned into mine.
Never forget those words I have spoken
Never forget the touch
or the warmth of my hand.
Place me,
as I have placed you.

I look back at these photos
to a time where I never wore make-up

and then you came along.

Inside my heart is where you live.
I opened it for rent and
You came in and became a tenant.

You cooked meals and the smell
came into my nose.
And you spoke of religion and of space
And you charmed me greatly.

You look at me every time
I
      come
                  downstairs

and you smile in every part of your body.

I realized that you wished to renew your lease
and I was hesitant.
But there, with bended knee, you proclaimed.
And I couldn't say no, because I knew.

You were looking to buy.
You were looking to supply and to give.

And how could I say no...
for you are perfect.
for you are mine.

I will rent my kisses
for the rest of our lives.

I may be drunk
But at least I'm writing

I may have sunk
But at least I'm lighting

Why is she so much prettier than I?
Do you feel the way you used to?

Jealously stirs within me
I know it's not possible
But I still see every possibility.

A bottle of jack
A bottle of wine

Please keep me
Please pass the time.

I can't. I can't.
Please go away.

My body stirs and aches
for you to touch it once more.
Your hands are warm and they shake
and my breath quickens for

You, to be close to me,
breathing into me sweetly
Your lips tracing so free
down, down, encompassing completely

Your fingertips are soft against my skin
tracing the lines and curves
and I sink in to a place I haven't been
and my brain stops and swerves

You set my whole body on fire
with complete and utter ease
and my heart is constantly filled with desire
as I get down on my knees.

I worship that feeling of you within me
Your body is a temple and I fall
down to kiss and caress, you see
me touching every inch of you, so beautiful and tall.

Those eyes, filled with animalistic passion:
Kiss, tug, cuddle, tease, slap.
your hands in my hair in a gentle fashion
and I lean back and lay gentle in your lap

To feel your heartbeat against mine
is something I cherish dearly
So lean into me and take this sign
and listen to me say sincerely,

I think I'm falling for you.
I hope you're feeling this too.

All the way to the end
It burns, burns, burns.
Crumbling, and crippling
as the ashes fall on your lap.
And you inhale with a smirk
and you exhale without gasp

I watch you take in the heated smoke
and I imagine how it passes through your lungs
gently caressing the inside of your body
just as I lay my fingertips on your back
and barely trace across you.

I try very hard not to stare at you
but it's almost impossible to keep my gaze
away from your radiant smile
and the way your mouth wraps around that cigarette

I feel almost embarrassed to be so intent
on watching such a small mannerism
but I'm overwhelmed by an intoxicating feeling,
a desire to learn every thing I can about you.

My face gets hot and I try and focus on something else
But it's so difficult not to look, so I stare at my shoes.
I feel like a child, overwhelmed and nervous
and my breath quickens
when your fingers wrap around my hand.

Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
Laughter. Conversation. Thoughts.
Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
The rhythm settles and ignites
just like that lighter you click
to start over again. A new cigarette.
A fresh start. To a new song.

I can run no longer
from this soul inside of me
Clawing to be let out
Clawing to be free

I can shroud myself no longer
Letting my clothing deceive you
For I am simply a wolf
in a sheep skin of a fool

I have led you to the pasture
to take you into my breast
only to claw your throat out
and leave you to the rest

You cry out in pain
and say, "I thought you loved me."
But I can only stare at the blood
and turn away to flee.

This person I've become
is not who I've wanted to be
This wolf inside of me
Is dying to be set free

I'm tired of hiding
and hot from the wool
Please just let me out
You silly, ignorant fool.

Two sugars, half and half
went to just half and half
to 2%
to skim
to soy.
No sugar.

Now I look into my cup, only seeing light from above
reflected in the steaming waters.
No sweetness or fog to cover up what I wanted truly
which was the opaque deafness of this reality.

Confused at my choices, I sip deeply
wondering whether the grounds I tasted
were karma for those actions against me.

Some people say, jokingly, that they like their coffee
black
like their soul.

Here, I wonder if I simply like it black because it IS like my soul.

Unkindness seems to reek from my pores
and my tongue is black from the words I forged.
People say it's human nature...
but my true nature, as I once believed, isn't so cruel.

And yet, here I am, cruel and deceitful.
Drinking my soul to the end.
To the last drop.

How then, can I overcome this blackness and just take my coffee
for what it is -- simply coffee?

Sip. Swallow. Think.

Forgiveness in oneself is only in the eye of the beholder
and I've done more than just to myself.
So there it is -- uncanny sobriety to the actual issues at hand.

The unfinished apologies and countless "sorry"s.
Black. Deaf. Swimming.
Around my head and through my mouth into my whole body.

The heat making me flush and fever.

If my father had never left my mother
If my mother had taken me away
If my grandparents had never raised me
If people had never made fun of me
If I had never found out about music
If I had continued to push myself into harm
If I didn't experience pain
If I didn't have to be in those terrible relationships
If I didn't see the error of the church
If I didn't understand what it means to be alone
If I didn't experience hate

I would never know love the way I do.