Creating oneself
is the most difficult thing
because sometimes
you must consider another creation
other times
you must consider a created bond.
but what happens when it's
necessary
to create oneself?
What happens when the right person
is there
at the wrong time?
And you still must finish creating
your painting
of golds and blues upon
your flesh?
Continue to paint,
young child
of God.
Continue to paint
upon your heart.
Give yourself to those
colors.
Give yourself to your
calling.
And hang onto the
hand of your beloved.
Kissing it
as your run through fields
of golden dreams
with skies of
indigo, brushed with rose
Light a fire.
Gather round.
Create. Be.

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow, learn as if you were to live forever" – Gandhi

it sits on my lips
waiting to spill out
marks of old books
on my heart, black.
ink on the page
remember what you said
before in that old store
in New Orleans

My heart drops further into my stomach
as I stare at this picture

I can't help but want you even more,
as I stare at this picture

I've been staring at it for so long
that I almost believe that it's real
and I reach out to touch your face
but am rudely denied by reality.

Who are you? Who am I?

Who are we?

Is it even possible anymore
to see the beautiful lines of your face
or do I just shudder back
and understand it won't be anything

How do I attain that simple mind?
The simple thought of happiness
and of understanding suffering?
How?

I must not, to start, dream
as I stare at this picture.

I dive down again, into profoundly deep waters.
This time, I have nothing to shield me.

As I sink to the bottom, I'm aware
that this feeling is not something I've ever experienced.

The fear takes over my body,

my Breath is taken from me.
This beauty around me is all that I see.

Of course, look at that –
behold the exquisiteness of this terrifying place.

The azure of the depth
The softness of the sands
I reach out and caress a dolphin
and it even kisses my hands.

Though I sense the similarity of
the Pacific waters before,
I can surely tell it's the Atlantic
by how my body adores

and explores those endless drops
of the frightening sea
My soul expels its discomfort
and suddenly, I'm Free.

I breathe in fidelity and twist
my mouth into a smile
I can already tells that no matter what,
this dive was definitely worth while.

I allow the ocean to wrap itself around my figure,
as I swim to the sky with strength
and new found vigor.

They dazzle
and dance among
the branches
bright rubies
lively viridescent
frosted blues
and sparkling white
mixed with a golden yellow
that makes the fuzz around
my vision grow

I sit there with you
we can see our breath
dragons amidst the forest
curled to each other,
arms wrapped in one other,
close and warm, hearts beating quick
you look into me again
and I look back.

There it was, my heart
stopping once again
as you gave me that warm look
in those deep, copper eyes.
How could someone look at me
like you do?
I've never felt someone probe so deeply
into my very soul.

"I don't know and I'm afraid to say"
en español, you speak

I huff, waiting for you
but you still say you're afraid

This is the moment
THAT moment
where I look around me
at the sparkling trees
and wonder
how this could even be happening...

and the words
roll off my tongue
like honey off my spoon
and I feel our bodies
sing together, truly,
for the first time.

Your chest rises and falls slowly,
to the rhythmic meter in my head.
Slow and silent, you breathe
and I watch you gently fade into your mind.
Safe in your head.
Safe from the world.

My hands gently stroke your cheek
as it is stubbled and soft together
What is our path?
What is our purpose?

Pondering comes with adoration
and looking at you induces a comatose
I become one inside your body
and one inside your mind.

We will walk together in eternity,
if the heavens allow such a fate.
We will create life, see beauty, and comprehend

power.
passion.
pain.
patience.

Over and over again we will experience
and I will forever adore you.
Every night or morning, I'll watch you peacefully be.
And just love you in that single moment
and on.

Every other moment
I think about those times again.

Am I wrong?

Wheezing, I stand before this throne.
Curious as to my position.
Keep me alone
in my disposition.

My body curled up
I don't understand why
Who will I be one day?

With my own?
my own.
my own.

I'm frightened.
Will I act like that?


swipe.
across.
the.
face.

scared.
for.
this.
fate.

It's a choice. It is.

I hope.

Sweetness is graced by the sun that yields the first crop
And sweetness is graced by the kiss that yields the first touch.
For you, though unaware of me composing
my thoughts and intentions towards you
brace the wind with compassionate care
In a constant state of thoughtful presence.
You turn toward the sun, just like me
away from the shadows, away from the idea
of something bad in this world.
For nothing is bad, but simply not good
and simply, will always get better.
For I have told myself this a thousand times
and it is hard to believe
but easier to believe when someone like you
runs your fingers through my hair
looks at me with intentional interest
and care, and understanding, and a desire to know more.
For you, the sunflower I hold
are warm and canary yellow
and you flutter in my arms like the bird I hear
across the crystal waters of the ocean song.

There is a certain spark that occurs
When one finds their place
A spark that ignites a fire
And enters your spirit into a race

When one finds their purpose
All hope and beauty is not lost
Dreams become a reality
And you'll do anything at any cost

To get to that place
Where you feel you belong
You'll even end relationships
That you treasured for so long

At first, the feeling is terror,
Was this all really worth it?
But when you see the shimmering stars
You know you didn't really quit

On that horizon you see the moon
Coming up over your head
And you close your eyes to weep
Because you're soul has been fed

It has been fed the spiritual food
it needs to survive and thrive
You cry and you cry and you cry
Because, finally, you are alive.

nature answers with wind
making a hush sound through
the leaves of yellow and green
and i make this sound too

as i lean into you, exhale
and you sigh into me, inhale
divinity and cosmic creation
within one single detail

that detail being your existence
something so great but seemingly small
the world, so large and so many souls
but your heart and soul standing tall.

your eyes hold such degrees of pain
searing burns, deep cuts, wounds of old
and yet, they also comment on love
true, deep, bronze, and gold.

i wish you could see what i see
behind your smile, and dimples, so cute
i wish you could see what i see
inside of your heart, inside of you.

we all have our demons begging to return
we all have emptiness knocking on our door
we all have evil, we all are villains
and yet, we still stand at the shore

of another person's life, and love, and loss
and we allow our toes to sink in their sand
the water so deep before us, an ocean of emotion
we make a choice to go into the water or stay on the land.

my choice is to dive in, though the water is dark
i know not what is there, it's disarming
but knowing that you're with me in this
makes the journey not seem so alarming

the moments i spend with you,
i become more enraptured
the moments i learn with you,
i become more captured

you're the answer to the question
you're the fire in my heart
the coffee i need in the morning
you're part of the life i want to start

so will you join me in this crazy world
will you take my hand and run?
will you dance with me, make art with me
will you allow me to be your sun?

the choice is yours, it is not mine to make
but you, yes you --
can have this heart to break.

Maybe I'll find something
Something that's not from hell
Maybe I'll find something
To ring that ****** bell

Maybe I'll run into it
At the store or park
Maybe I'll run into it
And I won't be left in the dark

Maybe I'll see it
Behind book after book
Or Maybe I'll see it
And I won't have to really look

The seconds seemed like hours

as we swayed back and forth to the song

blissfully

Your eyes painted my skin with ease

And you looked at me like you had known me

forever.

Never had I smiled so simply

And had someone cherish every crease and corner

lovingly

For even though, though all the pain and loneliness

we both had to endure, it was

for us

We had to become numb to pain

And our bruises are now beautifully

displayed

Hold onto me as I hold you

with fervor and strength in

my heart

For like a seal I have placed you

You, my soul

eternally.

Comfortably numb together

Unchanging hearts, unchanging words

finally

Never to be torn

A rarity.

The finality I’ve burned for since

love was perceived.

"In a dream, I was untrue
Shot up in sweats and I knew it was you
All the while as I traced her spine
You tore up my head, through my peace of mind"

I wept for you again
with the slow music playing
in the back of my mind.

I brought it forward
All of it.
I faced the truth, the fear
the connection I still felt.

But I saw it.
I saw you.
I heard you.
And I felt the pull down

Into that blackness
that you so love to dwell in,
Unforgiving.

"If you breathe in, then I breathe in
And slowly let go
If you need it, then I need it
And only we'll know"

I feel our hearts still
connected in a sick way.
******* our lives,
draining our colour.

But slowly,
painfully.
We let it free.
Let ourselves be free.

"Can't be the same as we lie in the light
Knowing full well, your virtue's my vice
In the night we are one
Till the moment is gone
Till my race has been run"

It's over.
We've both crossed that threshold
and can no longer return.
But we are still connected.

And will always be.
Unfortunately.
Fortunately.
But only we will feel it.

"If you breathe in, then I breathe in
And slowly let go
If you need it, then I need it
And only we'll know"

And you say to me:

"Your sorry words need not know my mind
So refrain from use"

And I finally close my eyes
and shut my mouth,
forever silent to you.
From this moment forth.

But just remember
you can never rid me from yourself
and I can never rid you from myself.
You are forever imprinted.

"If you breathe in, then I breathe in
And only we'll know"

It's a delicate subject
future me.
who will i become?
or have i already
sprung into my current
majesty
or will i stay
bitter to the very end?
this self
i see her in the mirror
and i wonder what
will be at her side?
honor?
love?
distant self disillusion?
mirrored.
in the woman she wishes to
be?
or in the woman
she wishes to hold?

****** from the start
im still affected by you.
because even after the sickly
sin of creating a web of lies
and of deceit.
i fell in love with you
and then i broke you.
and you in turn
shattered my heart.
burning a thousand words
deep into my skin
entering the flame
of your shadow over me
called to enter into you
by this flame
by this fire
forever licking my wounds
and creating deeper impressions
of sickening wonder and
caustic desires that will bring nothing.
for you, my eternal
I can n̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ forgive myself.

The smell of old books and beer
spilled upon the streets
leaves my mind at ease to wander
amid the smokey bars and jazz beats.

I speak to an old woman
who sits upon a velvet stool
She runs the lovely book shop
but swears she was once a fool

"A fool for love." she says to me
and my mind begins to race and run
"I once too was a musician.."
Of course! She was listening to Beethoven for fun!

"I left college for him. I gave up music for a normal life "
My heart sank further, as I thought about her strife.


Her blue eyes became a bit watery
and I asked her if she liked working here
She looked at me and smiled and said,
"Of course I do, my dear."

I let my eyes meet hers
and there, I saw the past
The person that I could have been
If I had given up at last.

I ran to the bookshelves
and hid behind their words.

I felt terribly ill all of a sudden
and began to sob uncontrollably.

It didn't help when I turned around
that there on the shelf,
was a book of John Donne poems
and therefore, you, yourself.

I searched through the book
to find that one sonnet

that you showed me after we parted
...my eyes quickly darted...

But, to no avail would I see it,
for I had forgotten the phrase
Much like I had forgotten all the good
in our life while we were in that daze.

So I sobbed upon the bookstore floor
and threw the poems away from me.
For I knew that no matter where I was,
you, there, would always be.

You're just another girl I ******.
You're nothing more than a girl
I ******.
I was to say this to you.
I want you to hear it.
Day after Day
in your head
until it drives you crazy.
Because
it's becoming more and more
apparent to me
That you do not DESERVE
who I am
what I am

You're just another girl I've ******.

the simplicity and ease
of loving you
gives me the hope and courage
that our bond is true

for unlike before
you see right through me
and you break down those walls
crack my core at sea

my heart breaks open
like a crystallized quartz
blushed in the center
bruised at the edge

delicate hands,
you push my hair aside
your eyes, copper discs searching
for meaning,
for answers.
finding solace in the places
you never sought
and finally, some great reward
beckons you forward and you grip it
i, behind you, gently taking your arm
ready for the leaps and bounds
across mountains and seas
hoping, knowing, finally,
that you are the one for me.

inhale smoke
exhale divinity
your body
close to mine
jewel tones
candlelight flickering
in our eyes.
music tugging on our
heartstrings
liquorice lips
and lime flavored *****
twisting into me
your delicate soul
resting on my shoulder
praying for a lifetime
of gracious smiles
and aquamarine eyes

grey skies
with cool water
crying from the
soft faces above
how beautiful
to run through
puddles
soaked shoes
and dark hair
how beautiful
to see the sun
shine beyond the
mountains and
mountainous buildings
glowing effortlessly
in the evenings
and bustling with life
during all hours.
only quiet in the very
early (or late) hours
of the starting day.
oh, my soul.
torn and tired
but full of life
full of music
full of hope
for a life complete with
self satisfaction
and love
for each human
and each cell in
my own body.
when it rains
it pours.
in love and in tragedy.
embrace the art
around you
dark or light.
happiness or sadness
for the rain is a cleanser
and a sign of change
growth
and refreshing life.

this desire inside my bones
is deeply ingrained.
it fills my body with urges
of experiencing life with someone
else who is not just me.
myself. and i.
so i wish for you to come
away with me.
whoever you are.
that shadow clinging
to the fingertips that meet
with the rays of sunshine
blinding and beautiful.
you, whoever, that ghost
knee high in yellow grass
beckoning me with your sweetness
smiling in the rays
encouraging me to pursue the light
that i so wish to see shine on earth.
pushing me to speak goodness
and kiss each moment with grace
adoration and grateful heart.
come away with me
my darling.
let us see the world
in all of its splendor and tragedy.

honesty is the best policy
and honesty has been
hard to come by.
for some odd reason
truth is sought out
by only those who weep
and those who constantly
grace the world with smiles
end up the most dishonest
of all.

For life, as I've learned
is a balancing game
of crying deep into the night
and laughing pain away.
those who believe life is
all good and no pain
truly are the most dishonest.
and now, that I've finally
rested my eyes and opened
my heart to what the world is
the truth has truly set me free.
life is balance
and fervor of regret and regeneration
the bad creates the good
and the sadness pulls through
to happiness and strength
only with eyes wide shut
do we reach our golden
edge.

Southern moonlight with arrogant stars
shining down upon my pale cheeks

How I wish I could just have an easier time
dealing with things like love and war.
I'm not one to question the way the universe turns
Instead, I simply let it happen and do my part

I let those stars grin and cackle
I let that moonlight ease my mind
I just let it happen, whatever it may be.

But just because I bow to the winds
of the ever changing storm...
No, it does not mean I will falter in my ground.
I stay rooted here on this earth,
with infinite space above me.

Never touching. Never burning. Never suffocating.

After all the experiences I've had,
my feet lifted off the ground,
I have learned an important lesson -

Never. Never. Never.

Never be lifted so high up
that if you are dropped
you may break and die.

Never be lifted so high up
that if you are stuck
you can never get down.

No matter how beautiful that moon is
Guard your heart.

No matter how enticing the stars
Guard your soul.

And when you give yourself to the universe
and you are spat back down,
NEVER let those same constellations
con you into an even deeper black recess.

Only take those strong and gentle,
and let them guide you and give
them, give them your love and attention
for they are the true providers of beauty,
and kindness, and unselfish love.

I look up again at the moon,
and smile as it beams back.

I stand on the rocks by the river,
soaking in the wisdom and peace
the leaves rustle in anticipation

The waterfall brings in the
newest, freshest, cleanest water
and I drink it all in.

I place a silver ring, given to me before,
on my heart and I say a prayer;

"This is for you, for all of you, who have trampled me."

And I clench my fist,
and laugh out loud,
and I throw it into the river.

"May no one ever find you."

I walk home with tears running down my face.
The moon smiles at its good little witch of the south
and urges me to run once again.

I do it. I run.
A slave to love.
A slave to good intention.
A slave to this beautiful life.
A slave to my own pride.

"May no one ever find you."

In my ears, Music
I memorize
every note, phrase, word
and play it over and over
again in my head
followed with some picture
that helps me to remember
the next soaring melody
or simple pattern
I memorize music, the same way
I memorize the patterns of your
face and presence
I measure each facet
every shadow
every line
every phrase you inhale
and every note you exhale
lyrical is your voice
on the air, which seems to stall in our
intense conversation
and tense, but warm, moments
of stillness
where there is connection
between our
eyes
but no movement in our bodies
except maybe the pounding
of our own hearts
I do memorize you, like a song itself
wishing I could somehow
transcribe your very being
to paper and carry you
close to myself, or inside a book
of poetry.
I realize,
e.e cummings said it best;

I carry your heart with me,
I carry it in my heart
I am never without it
anywhere you go, I go my dear

and just like that song, I learned,
lord, who knows how long ago

You
are already somehow etched
within those lyrics
and are inscribed in my own memory.

For in my ears, Music
I memorize
and in my heart,
somehow,
You, as well.

Aching
you make me ache,

tantalizing my body
and gently caressing my mind
with the way you simply
look
into
me.

How is it
that something that I long told myself
I would never indulge in
suddenly
and I mean
suddenly
becomes something I slip into
like negligee
seeking to taunt and tease

or simply to hold your desire for one second more.
or simply to hold you
or simply to hold your heart
just simply

you look into me
not at me
but into me and around me
searching for the answer
to your burning question

Mamihlapinatapei
that's what it's called
"A wordless, yet meaningful look
between two people who both desire to initiate something,
but both are too scared to initiate themselves."

Here we are.
Speaking golden words
with no sound at all.

Falling slowly
and yet closely
plummeting
into a sea of euphoria

Aching,
you make me ache.

i have a vision in my head
of the person you will be
with your long, delicate fingers
and with your love of the sea

i see you in my dreams
daisies sprouting round your feet
for wherever you walk,
there, always the stars meet

aligned in some fashion
the coat of orion bright
and your eyes sparkle gently
in the low, dim lights

i have a vision in my mind
of you, laying across my bed
your body an open book
just waiting to be read.

how i could kiss those lips
so thin and ripe with thought
how i could kiss that forehead
if only this love could be bought

from the store or down the street
i promise, anything i would give
just to have that vision in my head
come right to life and live

If I had one wish,
it would be for the sun to never set.
For darkness to never fall on the pale skin of my uncovered body.
For all of life to rely on pure light and never dark.
For my skin to turn bright; rose and tangerine.
Instead of pale, sinking eyes with a translucent scarf of plum
covering my arms and wrapping me in it's embrace.
What would it be like
if roses bloomed purely for the enjoyment of my eye?
instead because it was just "what they did"
What would it be like
if I would bloom purely for the enjoyment of my eye?
instead of blooming for the hand of another.

If I had one wish,
it would be for the grass to turn into a sea
that I could jump into.
evergreen, lemon, and icey...soft waving blades
not cutting, just caressing
as I make my final bows at the edge of my stage.
For darkness to never fall upon my sea of escape
would be bliss.
and my skin would still be ivory with blotches of color.
instead of clothed in royal robes
that are transparent and failing.

If I had one wish,
it would be that my mind could be open to those around me
an open box
to pull out various thoughts, and spoken words
but always keeping the unpleasant ones for myself
locked away in a filing drawer.
locked away from the eyes of my beloved.
The key would be glittering gold and would be kept under my tongue
Until I spit it out onto the grass, blood.
As the night comes again.
Hoping no one will find it.

The sun broke through the window of that dusty room
Yellow walls and orange bed sheets
Sleep, clouding my eyes as I opened them
to see your body lying next to mine.
What joy it brought to me
to see those freckles dotting your back
I wanted to connect the dots
Draw the constellations
Kiss them in every spot
in That Moment.

The lights turned on and the cabin opened,
the fresh smell of airport washed over me
fluorescent lights guiding my path
to see You.
What joy it brought to me
to feel those butterflies
I wanted to jump into your arms
kiss your face
telling you how much I loved you
in That Moment.

The sun shone in to that darkened room
Bunk beds and snoring siblings
Sleep, clouding my eyes as I yawned awake
to see you next to me, smiling.
What joy it brought to me
to see that smirk on your face
I wanted to fall in the snow all the time
just to have you pick me up
Kissing my cold face
in That Moment.

The clouds gently covered the sun
Sea water, spraying our faces
Bliss and ecstasy filling our souls
to see your hand upon mine.
What joy it brought to me
to see those seals on the shore
I wanted to stay there forever
kissing you on the island
looking at the commitment ahead
in That Moment.
The skies then greyed…so slowly
Darkness covering our hearts
Anger and Remorse filling us
to see your tears and mine.
What sorrow it gave to me
to see us fall apart before my eyes
I wanted to repair it
to be able to kiss you again
without a black cloud hanging
to be able to understand it
in This Moment.

Now, it is quite dark
And I wonder if I will ever

have

That
Moment

If I will ever

have

You

the wheels of life
and the winds of change
led us to this place
where we lay
in the sun so bright, and
the fields so green
our lives mirrors of
reflecting light and love
and yet there was that
single moment, and yet
it happens many times,
where I think of you in your
most incredible hour of
gorgeous lemon and pigmented
indigo behind your head held high
and I think to myself,
"What could have been?"
And now I have glimpsed
into your copper eyes once more
and seen an angel and my
heart just completely soars again
down, down into the earth
where I feel rooted in what
was once your touch
setting my body on fire
and into a trance of complete
and utter happiness.
Your fingertips brushing back
my flaxen locks as we lay
in the sun by a river so cool
or the time when I leaned into
you as we listened to that band
M83...how I could relive it again
and again and again
the memory is burned into me
with a fondness that is surreal
for any relationship I've had
has always brought bitterness
and yet your laughter,
your charm, your intellect,
and your absolute love
has left me breathless
by sheer memory.
Now that I've heard the lyrical
tune of your honeyed tone
I can't but help to think:
could a flower bloom once more?

stardust is where we began
and to where we return
souls outstretched
to grab that golden thread
we find ourselves
looking up for an answer
and yet that answer
lies within ourselves.
for we are as numerous as they are
and as exalted as they have been
our souls as inconceivable
our sprits as infinite as they
and though we lay
on this hallowed ground
our bodies desire to push outward
it is our choice
to be free
and our choice to love who we must
our freedom to glisten
as our burning, passionate counterparts
for when you look into someone else
don't you see the universe looking back?

your soul is a chosen landscape
charmed by masqueraders
and revelers
dancing under the moonlight
in a minor key
with a certain sadness upon
their glimmering cheeks
stardust kissing those hands
that caress the side of your cheek
your mask, removed
bathed in some azure glow
eyes, bright and intensely
staring, beyond just yourself
but something deeper
and more meaningful than ever before.
to know you, without your mask
is like knowing why the moon
sits in the sky as she does
or why the birds fly
or how the water on the shore
pulls forward and backwards
bringing in and out creatures
and memories of past lovers.
there is something in us
buried, warm, alive
that speaks to me when I see you
it whispers to me in another language
that I cannot yet understand
impassioned voice
intently seeking my attention
so that I may look upon you
and fear nothing any longer.
a song, you are
the universe, inside of you.

You crossed my mind again
a bitter taste formed on my tongue
like the coffee that has sat too long
I wish you were absent from my memories
but you stick like the gum under my desk
and seep under my mind's door like muddy water

I forget that bitter taste sometimes
when I think of you
It's like honeyed trash, sweet at first,
and then sour and gag inducing.
Your memory makes me ill.
Sick to my stomach
to my mind.

You'd think, after this time, you
would be less present
And yet, here you are in the palm of my hand
sticking your finger in my face
and giving me hell while I still flounder
to figure out who I am.

Bless you, *******, I hate you, I love you.
All words. Spoken. To. You.

I wish I could rip that memory from my mind
but I can't because you sunk your claws so deep
that my blood runs black from your toxic waste
I wish, I want, I can't, I won't.
All things. Spoken. To. You.

for the past 8 months
i've been hating myself
for loving you like this
because you don't respect me
you never have, never will
you cheated
you cheated
you cheated
you were "curious"
you were "wondering
if i was the one"
you "wanted to be sure"
in truth, i couldn't see
the tearing down that was occurring
but now that i finally
said
"enough"
i'm sitting here empty
feeling less than enough.
you did a number on me
without me even realizing it
i've got bruises on my ego
on my soul now
who are you to have done this?
is this my karma, my choices
reflected back onto me?
i feel like a mirror of an old person
someone i used to be
battered and broken
when i should be walking on
golden fields of lavender and
smelling sweet kisses of self loving
breezes.
i needed this. i needed to feel this.
for now, somehow
i will truly

accept the love i think i deserve.

there was a time
when all i needed
was to see your face
and that put me to rest
but now, it's like a faded
painting of some sky,
somewhere, with streaks
of light and a sunset so pure.

i remember sitting on the bank
of that small island with you
the ocean in our palms
and the promises of a future
wrapped around our fingers
how simple life seemed
for me, i thought of building
a home with you and a life
that would bring happy
christmases and merry times
with family and friends
everything seemed so right
so perfect, fitting together
like a perfect puzzle would.

but now, after a tumultuous
break and fiery words
and angry calls and lashes of the tongue
i look back and wonder,
where did it all go?

that seemingly beautiful and
simple life has simply vanished
and in its place, as far as love is concerned,
there has been nothing but heartache
and attempts to find someone
who matches me as well as you.

but the truth behind the veil
and the question i constantly seek
is: did you really match me as well as i thought?
or was it another attempt
in another part of my life
to recreate a love i never had
never saw
never experienced
never knew

the answer lies in my heart
and it is burned into the palms
of my hands as they wrap
around my next attempt
my next love
and hopefully the last

You knocked on my door:
"You ready to go?"
And I took your hand
and we walked the streets of Teplice.

It began to rain
and we ran, laughing
Gelato on our faces,
questions giggling out of our smiles
How easy it was.

You sat close to me
in the opera house on the stairs
we were alone and you pointed
out a fake tree and said it looked like a person
"Ghost stories!" you cheered
and I said,
"Absolutely not!!"
We laughed, bumping shoulders
hearts racing more as we looked
outside of ourselves.

I joined you on your beds,
which you pushed together
foamy and orange mattresses
uncomfortable wooden space
in between us.
More the reason to scoot closer
to you.

I waited
and you froze there in the dark
and I said, "***** it"
and leaned over to kiss you.
How young and innocent it was.

Who knew, that one kiss
would lead to this
pained and empty heart
memories smoky and distant in my peripheral
I sigh again as I remove my bandaid
my knee is skinned and my arm is bruised
I've tried everything to get rid of you
but you are stuck
wedged into my heart
like a shard of mirror or glass

It's cloudy outside
I checked the weather where you are
cloudy too...slight chance of rain
same here.

I sit in a coffee shop
up to my eyes in work
and still I can't shake you.
Whatever you are.
No longer a person, but a spirit of some kind
still breathing down my neck
your cologne lingering
on my shoulder

How I wish you would go away
your prescence makes me ill
in my mind and spirit.
but I can't
can't let you be free...
no matter how hard I try
or no matter how many times I think I let go

I can't.

Probably because you said after I'm done
here, in Texas
that maybe we could start again
but I know
you wouldn't really want that.

you hate me.
don't you.

it's ok.

i hate me too.

From that moment you chose yourself
and from the moment I broke
I turned to honeyed wine
carbonated gold
sweet and sickly
rounded in glass or plastic
I turned to it
I turned away from myself
and my temple that I was guarding so well
and I let this part of me
addictive and intoxicating
take over
drive me into a sinking depression
filled with tightening pants
and hanging gut
and acne
and low and poor self-esteem
I would blame you
but in turn
I would need to blame
me
So here I am.
Prepared to throw aside the bottles
and the flasks
and everything to regain me
To regain my consciousness
and my care for my temple.

i wish i could have felt this way
for longer
i wish i could have freed myself
sooner.
this heart beat and skip
because i'm open and willing
to be who i am.
why did it take so long
to become myself?
the internal hatred and pain
blocking my fullest light --
i have finally cleared the
cobwebs and dark sheets
to reveal a kaleidoscope
of colors
a spectrum of light and love
i am who i am
and i will love who i love

because love always win.

I sleep with my eyes open
and dream under the blankets
of my own fears
suffocated by the desires of
my unconscious mind.
Dying in increments
passing by

you
       me
it
       what
                   passes
        is
you
         what
is


this
The words, blank
filled in with gold
when shattered
standing here, unable to
understand
this brief weakening
of my consciousness
Deafening me
though I fought so
hard
to make it not so.

All that remains
are my remains
of soliloquies
sought after and
excluded from
conversation
Blanks in between blanks
Words between the lines
Empty spaces, where something belongs.

Weakened by you
what can I do

You lay perfect across the red sea
Blue and yellow blankets
you're truly all I see

You rise and fall
in deep sleeping breaths

To think...

Two years ago, almost to this very day
we laid together in the dark
And I first admired your body the same way.

I feel my fingers crossing over your shoulder
gliding to your back
And I feel my lips turn colder
as the memory comes back

My desire to touch you burns me
As the sunburn on you
How I wish I could make it better
And, in turn, also kiss it too

To think...

Two years ago my eyes ran along your body
Curiously admiring, loving, learning
And little did I know that today
I would be aching and yearning.

I still remember breathing quietly in the dark
And feeling your body next to mine
And all the time wondering
"Is this comfort a sign?"

From the moment I met you
I knew I loved you for life
From the moment I kissed you
I knew I would be your wife

I remember gazing at your back
and seeing freckles abundant and round
I remember tracing the constellations
and thinking about how I was now bound

Your eyes sparkle with such brilliance and fire
When I look upon you I can't help but admire

To think...

Two years ago we would be here
Almost in the same place
With me gazing upon your body
And me with a smile upon my face

To think...

Two years ago we would be here
Almost in the same place
With you about to pop the question
And I, thinking about being in lace.

there you are
leaking in

a toxic figure
glued to the inside
of my shallow

mind
a crucifix
with your arms outstretched
you try to find a way in

sinking
but i won't give in
for you have been
before
and are unwelcome

clawing
you try to
get inside
and live

but i won't have
you
i won't

for you
are nothing

and i am everything.

My body is like patchwork
with threads through and through
keeping me together
keeping me from you.

Under these patches
are open wounds, sores
that bleed and are blackened
by the blood dried into my core

I am clawed at in the middle of the night
Haunted by something,
by someone who drags me into a hell
and sits on the edge of my bed,
pillow in hand,
over my mouth.

I suffocate,
the memories are shoved into my throat
like cotton
like paper
like razors
peeling back my skin on my wrists

I start up in shock
I haven't seen those scars for years.
Sob. Sob. Sob.
Ruthless. Unhealthy. Obsession.
I see the fuzz come into my vision
only the corners
as I fade back into the dark game of dreams
night terrors. Far from dreams.

Haunted by
you and him and her and him and her and him and her and her and her and him and her...
Those open wounds covered never spoken of
I tie my strings tighter
pull myself together
and scoff at the fear.

she
she has a mind
deeper than marianas trench
eyes bluer
than the vast texas skies
the pools of barton springs
the aquamarine stones
we stare at in a shop
that dares to dream
of our fingerprints on their doors
from years ago

her hair
is like flaxen silk
strands of sunlight
fresh picked sunflowers
veils of green tea
and bouquets of
roses and tulips and hydrangeas
permeate the air that wraps
around her delicate wrists
body like devils backbone
i drive on her thinking
of her
those distant memories
now a full reality
like the lips i now can kiss
not only in my dreams
but in the moment
of moments
here and now

photographs no longer hurt
but remind
of what was and what will be
promises wrapped
no longer in the guise of champagne or wine
but in sobriety, truth,
and the firm knowledge
that love knows no gender
no time, no place, no wrong
love conquers all
even the tender truths
of loves lost, battled, and won
over years of waiting
and searching for each other
in the eyes of other women
or men
or people
that never meet the same exact
proportions of laughter
of care, compassion, tenderness

she
she looks for the answers in me
and now, made of glass
i show her all
bare and naked to her
not hiding
unafraid to speak the words
that have always sat on my shoulders
whispering into my ears
lightly kissing on the collarbone
a touch so sensitive
and word so full of meaning
love

it means more to me now
than ever before
it feels like her
the sun
the moon
the eyes from across the room
the carress of cheek
the embrace at the gates
of the rest of our lives

she
she knows me
she loves me
she is everything to me
my forever muse
my forever love
mine
hers
ours

i write letters to you
in my head
of things i wished i had said
cursive font
blue ink, your favorite
penned swiftly
but also with care
how i wish you knew
what you've done
to my eternal mind
and the heart inside

We measure the spaces
between    us
by    our     goodbyes
and how I wish you

could hold me as I
collapse into my bed and
cry to sleep

a touch of your hand
a kiss on my lips
a loving embrace

more than ever

every night, I wish we could close our
eyes together

right here with your arms around me
rising bodies
rain

on those window panes, your arm
over my body

night after night
never leave me again
never say goodbye

I love you.

it is so
that i cannot run
from the thing i wish for
the most in this life
stability and love
from a person who cares
wholly, fully, in depth
why is it that i need this
treasured feeling so deeply?
and why is it that prior
to these days i am spending
that when i came close to
that feeling of love and forever
i ran away and with a knife in their backs?
is it fear that paralyzes me to my ends?
or is it the raw feelings of love
that scatter my emotions to the bitter
ends of hades itself?
it is undeniable that i desire love
and it is undeniable that i hope for finality
ease, comfort, passion, someone to hold me
when the seas are really rough
my golden era is approaching
i feel it in the tips of my fingers
i am hopeful.
i am grateful.
i am here.